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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sorry, its a MIL one, but I'm feeling used

18 replies

natenewt · 12/12/2011 21:59

My first AIBU. I will try and just state facts as I really want to know if I'm being the bitch I feel like I am.

Bit of backstory is that DH does not get on well with his Mum and for very good reasons, the relationship is very much that he holds her at arms length and tells her like it is (and stands up for me if needed, very good DH) She loves the children so I am the one who deals with her when she wants to see us/them.

She has never once cooked a single meal for us or invited us to her as a family in the whole 12 years I've been with DH, yet she quite happily used to eat with us 2-3 times a week although this has stopped as I have a 4 month DD2 and 2 other DC and because she was mostly here to help me out and babysit while I go out and work (self employed hairdresser, can work around the DC) the deal was she would babysit and in return she would have free hair do's (she pushed it to every 4 weeks on those terms) and lifts to and from ours as she doesn't have a car. This worked til she got a job (fair enough) and couldn't do as much, so as I was pg and had spd I pretty much gave it up (fully supported by DH) Her choice I know BUT she still expects free hair do's, she still expects lifts everywhere, she talks to us like utter c**p and the final straw came when I had a very traumatic birth and after saying I wanted no visitors in hospital while I was there, (including my Mum) I broke down and wanted my Mum and only my Mum, not so much to see the baby but for a hug(DH was with me too). She went into a major huff and said to my Mum that it was unfair she would get to see baby that day and not her! Since then she has been awkward, asking to come and see the DC at really awkward times, asking us numerous times what we are doing Christmas day (we are going to my Mom's) and wouldn't we be having one at home this year (so she can come presumably) I am point blank refusing to have her and her new man over for dinner again until she has had us to her just once, even if its just for tea and biscuits,I'm just sick of being expected to play host!! (she is coming Christmas eve to see the DC)

So, sorry its so long, but AIBU to be so infuriated by her that I'm having this childish standoff with her?

OP posts:

ZillionChocolate · 12/12/2011 22:01

Have you told her you'd like to go to her house?

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 12/12/2011 22:03

She sounds awful. Why do you want to go to such lengths to keep her in your life again?

In your shoes, honestly, I'd just back right off. If she truly does love the children, then limit contact to her visiting them at times mutually convenient take it or leave it.

She is your husband's mum and even he can't stand her. In the nicest possible way - take the hint!

Original poster

natenewt · 12/12/2011 22:05

Sorry I meant to add that, yes we have said more than once the most recent being in Sept When she first asked about Christmas, that it would be lovely to come round and meet new man. She said yes great how about the weekend after next, then stopped answering our calls for 6 weeks. She only got in touch again to ask for a haircut!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 12/12/2011 22:06

Yes I don't like the sound of her but I think you're a bit mean not to do her hair.

GoingForGoalWeight · 12/12/2011 22:07

I get NO help from family. Nada.

HecklerNotKoch · 12/12/2011 22:08

so while she was your unpaid babyminder, you were happy, but since she has stopped that, you have got the hump and she is a nuisance? hmmm,

LemonDifficult · 12/12/2011 22:11

Hmmmm. I think YAprobBU but it's difficult to tell as it all seems a bit complicated and a little stroppy on both sides.

I think if you try to do the nice thing she'll probably respond the same way, but maybe I'm naive.

Original poster

natenewt · 12/12/2011 22:12

Haha Hecate, I know I should, and have tried to distance myself since the hospital thing, which seems to have resulted in only very short and rude texts from her when she wants something. She does love the kids and she is a good Grandma. And she is one of those people who is very charming on the exterior, which always makes me look like the bad DIL, but then she slipped up and said something awful to DH not knowing my Mum was in the lounge and even my Mum couldn't believe she could speak to him in such a vile way!

OP posts:

Kayano · 12/12/2011 22:13

Agree with heckler

And it is pretty rubbish only having one grandmother allowed in the hospital. I would have been displeased (is that a word... Have I made it up?) too

Original poster

natenewt · 12/12/2011 22:14

Heckler, sorry no I have still been doing her hair, I have never refused that. I refuse to play host anymore.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 12/12/2011 22:20

I understand about only having your mum in hospital, you wanted a cuddle, a hug. You didn't want someone to come see the baby but to come see you.

When she wants a haircut next say you are too busy, try to leave it to six weeks, then 8 weeks and so on.

Cut out the dinners full stop.

HeadsRollingInTheAisles · 12/12/2011 22:20

I sort of agree with Heckler. Is it possible she thinks you'll be offended if she goes to a different hairdresser?

WilsonFrickett · 12/12/2011 22:26

I think you need to draw a line under the eating / playing host thing tbh because according to your post, you only fed her when she babysat for you, which seems fair enough to me. And I can understand why the hospital thing upset her - have you explained to her that you only wanted your mum? If you take a hard look at your post it could read that you were happy to have her round lots and cut her hair etc as long as she was being useful to you in terms of babysitting. Now her services are no longer needed you want her to back off. She could be feeling very hurt and unwanted, actually.

Original poster

natenewt · 12/12/2011 22:28

She see's another hairdresser when she fancies it but prefers me to do it bacause she doesn't want to have to pay £20, which makes me feel like crap! I can see why she would be upset at me wanting my Mum and not her, but like someone said it wasn't about the baby it was about me feeling traumatised and needing a hug off someone who doen't care that I looked utterly terrible and sat in a pool of blood!!

OP posts:

Original poster

natenewt · 12/12/2011 22:32

Thankyou all for the posts. I think you all have good points. Yes it does read a little like that doesn't it and I am wrong to think like that. I have been host on just random days too, at least once a week where it is just social but I'm terrible at getting my point across properly. I have a feeling I might just be being as selfish as she is...

OP posts:

slavetofilofax · 12/12/2011 22:45

YANBU about any of it.

It is not mean of you to not do her hair if you choose not to. Just because you are capable, does not mean you are obliged. It works the other way, it is a nice and kind thing to do if you want to do it, but not doing it is fine.

I would suggest you go over to hers instead on Christmas Eve, just for mince pies or something so she doesn't feel she has to cook. If she says no, then you know you don't have to bother to have her round if you don't want to. There is no reason you couldn't see her over sunday lunch in a local pub.

slavetofilofax · 12/12/2011 22:49

Oh, and just because you want your own Mum around when you have just been through something traumatic does not make you selfish! Giving birth is as much about you as it is the baby. You are the one doing the giving birth, so you get to choose who you see. Anyone who doesn't respect that, even if they are disappointed, it not worthy of any effort from you. If someone can't bring themselves to care about you, you do not have to make effort to care about them. MIL or no MIL.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2011 23:26

I decided you were NBU as soon as I reached "she talks to us like utter cp " in your OP, natenewt.

There have been a couple of threads recently about people doing regular favours for others (e.g. taking friend's DC to school so that friend can get to work), and the fact that it is a favour being forgotten over time; with the favoured feeling entitled to the favour, and the favour-giver becoming resentful at the other's sense of entitlement. It's not quite the same thing here, as there were reciprocal favours happening; but she withdrew her favour (understandably for job reasons, as you said) but still feels entitled to receive your favour. And so creating resentment.

TBH, she doesn't sound the sort of person that you can be subtle with (your DH "holds her at arms length and tells her like it is"), so follow your DH's lead here. Next time she asks for her hair to be done/given a lift, say something like "Ooh, are you offering to babysit again then? That would be nice, we haven't gone out for a while!" Basically you want to make sure that you remind her the lifts/hairdo's were part of a reciprocal deal. If she demurs, just be blunt - "Well that was our arrangement, wasn't it? It stopped when you got your job, but I'd be happy to reinstate it if you feel you can fit it in with your work hours." DO NOT LET HER OFF THE HOOK.

Similarly, every time she mentions Christmas/dining at yours, a cheery "Oh, I think it must be your turn to play host, when would you like us round?"

And finally, that MN staple for when "she talks to us like utter c**p " - "That sounded so rude. Did you mean it to?"

Hopefully, once you also hold her at arm's length, you will feel less used. Because you will be less used .

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