Loosing my faith in humanity(women?)

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Posted first on feminism.

I was brought up in a household that was volatile - (dad -alcoholic) but lucky enough with a mother who insisted gender was not an issue and tried very hard to provide some stability. I am 34 and appreciate my mam was ahead of her times. She NEVER commented on what I looked like or the clothes I wore. I realise how lucky I am.

I love reading,and without being boastful, would consider myself well read and well informed and consider myself a feminist. However, few people know this about me.Until recently, I have had many, many friends.

Since I got married however, I have found myself withdrawing from everyone. And this is something I vowed would never happen. I have started to see that most women/relations/ friends are primarily concerned with how I look and what clothes I wear.

I have been through a lot in life and achieved so many things I am proud of, like many women. What I look like, the weight I am and the clothes I wear are miniscule in the large scale of who I am, yet I feel this is what I am judged by constantly by others, especially my in laws. I know people commenting on what I look like is small talk, and trying to compliment me, but it makes me so mad!!!I am so much more than that.

I am avoiding being with women because I am realizing a lot of what they talk about concern their looks/ weight/ clothes and I am fed up with it. I have a beautiful baby daughter and am worrying how people's opinions's on her appearance/ clothes/ weight will affect her. I know I am strong enough to always ensure she is proud of herself, but find myself loosing myself in humanity and looks obsessed culture.

Do I need to wise up and stop taking things so seriously or start standing up and shouting 'no, fuck you, we are not defined by how we look?'

Your circle of female acquaintances/friends needs to change/vary/expand, along with your tolerance for discussing topics you don't want to. You don't need to change anybody else, they can discuss what they like, you don't have to listen to it or take it on board or teach it to your daughter.

I also think you need to consider what 'humanity' really means to you. There are plenty of sources of 'food for the soul' and good examples everywhere in the world, if not on your own doorstep.

Option 3 - accept other people judge on things you consider to be unimportant without changing your views on what YOU consider to be important, share your values with your daughter as best you can and encourage her to be a happy confident young woman, accept a compliment where it's intended, and maybe broaden your social circle to meet people with similar views?

You are conflating two issues OP. One, your relationship with other women. Two, a looks obsessed culture. These women you avoid are reacting to a culture that is perpetrated by both women and men. Men may not be interested in the brand of clothing you are wearing but there were times when I was a young woman when I was made to feel (by men) that my worth was in my looks (or lack of!) alone.

I wish I knew a way of tackling that OP, it is such a large issue. As for your personal relationships, its OK to move away from people who no longer reflect your principles. I can assure you that there are many women out here in the big world who have more to talk about than our weight or hair styles. We're here, just come an find us!

Can't help with your in-laws though. Depends on how good you are at letting things wash over you.

Round peg, square hole. I have the same problem. Key to this is realising that some of these mums are just playing the game to fit in. Keep putting yourself out there. Be true to yourself, without offending hopefully, and eventually you do connect with a few like-minded individuals. Try not to judge them like you feel you are being judged and you will be in a better place, and your daughter by association. In the meantime it can feel rather lonely. Thanks for posting though as I was feeling low for a similar reason.