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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unreasonable grandparents

23 replies

Jamesmillar · 12/12/2011 20:13

Hi everyone. I'm a dad and new to mums net but have a problem and need advice.

My son was 5 on Friday and that evening we drove to my parents house in Birmingham.
He was very excited about seeing them and looking forward to his present. We were there all weekend and they simply forgot to get him anything or even discuss it with him..

In addition to this they had invited us and my father in law to visit on boxing day. Father in law is in his 80s and this would be the first time they saw him since we got married.

On Saturday they booked to go skiing on boxing day but didn't tell us. We only found out by chance.

There is obviously a lot of history here but the long and short of it is that I have written them a letter. Tying to explain how we feel and that we need them to be reliable and a positive influence on the children. Is this too much to ask?

Obviously they have taken this as a personal insult and they have started involving the children in their sniping and arguing.

I want to tell them to get the hell out of our life but just don't know.

It wold be nice to talk and sort it out (hence the letter) but there very difficult to talk to. Suggestions??

OP posts:

NeedlesCuties · 12/12/2011 20:33

Welcome to MN!

How have they been with your son up till now? Are they active in his life, or the lives of any other DC you may have?

What is your relationship with them like?

Are you saying that you went to their house all weekend and they didn't have any present for him? In itself that might not be too bad as they could have considered him coming to their house all weekend as a treat for him. If they sang him Happy Bday and made a fuss of him then that's okay, in my view. If they ignored the fact that it was his birthday at all then they are mean people.

I don't think you should tell them to go to hell - at least not from judging what you've said here - but only you know the full amount of the problems.

I think letters have their place, but sometimes people can agonise over each little word, but if no reply is forthcoming or if they take no heed then it has all been in vain. From experience I have dealt with something similar and a letter just was fuel to the fire :(

I'd say you (and maybe your DW) need to sit them down, look them in the eye and have a grown-up conversation. Preferably when there are no kids around, especially if they are prone to bringing kids into the argument.

randommoment · 12/12/2011 20:36

I'm amazed about the invitation to Boxing Day and going ski-ing bit! You may need to fill us in with some back-story James. And welcome to MN by the way - a partially sane forum in a distinctly insane world....

RomanChristingle · 12/12/2011 20:38

Are they quite old? If they are forgetting things such as your sons birthday and invites etc then you need to start reminding them. Maybe get them a diary or something?
Writing them a letter saying that they need to be a positive influence on the children seems ott as does cutting them off completely unless there are bigger issues than you have written on here.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 20:38

I want to tell them to get the hell out of our life but just don't know

Simple... dont go to visit them.

randommoment · 12/12/2011 20:39

I mean - WHY are they taking as a personal insult that you are rather naffed off about an invitation being withdrawn unilaterally, by them, without them actually telling you? If you hadn't found out, you'd have driven all the way there to find an empty house, complete with a bewildered 5 year old.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 20:39

Are they quite old? If they are forgetting things such as your sons birthday and invites etc then you need to start reminding them. Maybe get them a diary or something?

They cant be that doddery if they are off skiing!

elfyrespect · 12/12/2011 20:40

With the FIL being in his 80s, I was going to ask how old the are - old enough to be getting confused etc.
But then I realised that they're going ski-ing!

RomanChristingle · 12/12/2011 20:43

They could be in good physical health but still forgetful.

That's why I was asking. If they have genuinely forgotten your sons b'day and that they invited you all on Boxing Day then it's pretty forgivable imo if they are old and starting to forget things. If they deliberately didn't mention your sons b'day for some reason then that's a different matter.

runningwilde · 12/12/2011 20:44

You need to give us much more info!

SugarPasteChristmasCake · 12/12/2011 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 20:46

OP, did you not discuss your reasons for visiting before you arrived on the Saturday.. ie (hi Mum, dont worry about posting a card for Juniors birthday as we are coming over to you on the Saturday)...

Did they even know it was his birthday?

bigpigeon · 12/12/2011 20:47

Easy solution is that until they get their act together you don't visit them, make them come to you and don't tell the children too far ahead of time so they don't get their hopes up. If they start to cause trouble in front of the kids you can deal with it any way you want to as you are on home turf (ask the kids to go into another room and then explain gently to your parents that if they have matters to raise that they should do so in an adult fashion and not use the kids as ammo). When you have a few visits under your belt that have gone okay (look no-one is perfect, so you have to allow for some rubbish) then you can look at going to them again- and when you do, double check that they will be there before you tell the kids. It is also worth planning a get-out if they turn petty and try to cause trouble while you are there. If they won't play by your rules then you are perfectly entitled to tell them that it is unfortunate but they will probably see a lot less of you and the kids. Always allow them some wiggle room to back down without losing face though or you back folk into corners that it is difficult to get out of and you may later regret. It is never easy being the bigger person but I think you have to try to be on this occasion.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 20:49

Obviously they have taken this as a personal insult and they have started involving the children in their sniping and arguing

Sorry to be a bit though, but, if you wrote a letter, did you write it and leave it there on Saturday, because otherwise, I am amazed at the postman getting a letter there by Monday.. or did you perhaps send an email?

I think a conversation may have been better rather than an email or letter, as words can often be taken out of context too.

Original poster

Jamesmillar · 12/12/2011 20:50

Wow so many replies!

The boxing day issue was what sparked it all off. We spoke with them Friday not about it. Told then the at father I law was excited about visiting. Then the Saturday morning while we were in bed they booked a bloody holiday. They just can't be relied upon.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jamesmillar · 12/12/2011 20:51

I emailed the letter. And while I understand that it's better to talk face to face. That's very hard with my mother. She listens but does not hear

OP posts:

randommoment · 12/12/2011 20:52

OP come back, we need more info! If you've been lurking on MN before posting, you'll understand that.

randommoment · 12/12/2011 20:52

Sorry James - cross-posted.

RomanChristingle · 12/12/2011 20:54

We really need more info. You say they forgot your sons b'day. If they genuinely forgot then, as upsetting as it was for your ds, they weren't being nasty. Did you say anything about it being his b'day while you were there or since? How did they respond?

Original poster

Jamesmillar · 12/12/2011 20:55

They new it was his birthday. They told him they hadn't forgotten him. On the Saturday they took us into town, I to John Lewis and his face lit up at all the toys. But they were shopping for themselves

Don't get me wrong I don't expect them to buy him a present. But I don't want them to build up his expectations and fail to deliver. They could have told him they would or wouldn't get him a present. He cried hime.f to bed on Saturday not as he didn't understand what was happening. I ended up bursting into tears

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 20:58

Had you told him he would be getting a present? Most kids I know wouldnt even notice if someone hadnt given them a present when they were that age to be honest. My granddaughter certainly didnt.

RomanChristingle · 12/12/2011 21:00

When did they tell him they hadn't forgotten? It's just that in your op you said they forgot . Do you think they are just unreliable or deliberately trying to upset your child?

Also how did you find out they'd booked a holiday? I would be tempted to say something like 'oh I thought we were meant to be coming for Boxing Day' and see what they said.

RomanChristingle · 12/12/2011 21:04

You shouldn't expect a present but a 'Happy Birthday' costs nothing. I can't quite get my head around the op being sure they hadn't forgotten despite the birthday not getting a mention though

randommoment · 12/12/2011 21:25

Most grand-parents can't be PREVENTED from buying presents for grandchildren IME - even when they can't afford it! Did their parents - your grandparents - buy presents for you when you were little? Do they have other grandchildren? Do they remember their birthdays?

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