To get miffed about DH being extravagant and lying about it

[mistressploppy]

I genuinely want to know if IABU as this has pissed me off. DH says 'well, I'm not going to feel bad about it' and I want him to feel bad - for a bit, at least.

(Background info: we're comfortably off. DH is naturally extravagant and I am not. I'm a SAHM and he runs his own business. We have a 2yo DS and one on the way.)

DH has bought himself a couple of Christmas presents - rock memorabilia at an online auction. I protested after the first one, saying that he's a PITA to buy for and why couldn't he let me get it for him . Then he says he's bidding on another one. I get a bit 'shouldn't we discuss large purchases as it affects us as a family blah blah'. He wins. He tells me he got it for $400 so not too bad.

Now. I know he's a fibber, always has been, about stupid stuff like whether he's checked the cat litter tray for poo. So I let it lie for a week and then said 'so how much was that guitar REALLY?'. He denied lying but then said 'ok, it was actually $540.' Bollocks, I said. Now he won't tell me how much it actually was because 'you won't like it'

I've told him that I'm waay more pissed off about the lying than the money. He says he works hard for the money and should be able to buy himself stuff without feeling guilty, which is fair enough.

I haven't been stroppy and I'm not giving him silent treatment but I'm pissed off (have I mentioned that? )

AIBU? It IS his money after all

If you can afford it whats the problem? Get yourself a hobby and spend more money so he has less disposable income to spend. Simple really.

tbh, if he can afford to treat himself without it affecting you as a family financially, I'd leave him to it.

Obv, if not, then not.

My dh earns 10 times what I do, we don't have to keep to a budget, so I don't feel the need to tell him what to do with his money. If we were skint, of course it would be a different story.

Luckily he rarely spends anything on himself, anyway

If you can afford to spend it without feeling it then I wouldn't worry, but if the $1000 or whatever he has spent would be the difference between a family holiday this year and not, then YANBU.

I too would be annoyed at him lying though, because if you really could afford it then why not just tell you the truth?

He lies because she kicks up a fuss, if she just said oh is that a good price and just showed an interest in the item rather than the cost he wouldnt lie.

Fabby this might be the first time ever that I have agreed with you

Its your money, both of yours, but you are still BU. If its not going to affect your standard of living, or leave you unable to enjoy your current lifestyle, YABU.

I do hope though, that you are able to be extravagant when the mood takes you?

He's lying because you give him hell. You give him hell because you worry about money, you worry about money because you're not in control of producing it, you are not extravagant because as much as you feel equal, you don't feel equal, and you don't feel equal because you are not valuing your own input as much as you should.

I'm a SAHM by the way, and by very clear argeement, any money that comes into this household is OURS regardless of how it got here (unless in a friend's purse).

Its very important to talk though, DH loves ebay bloody crap but if he sees something that's expensive, he'll mention it to me, we'll agree a top price (based on his knowledge of the thing's value) and he has no need to lie. I often phone him if I've spied something... I'm not asking permission, that's a given from both of us, but a second opinion and an agreement to splurge. If DH says to me 'well the car needs taxing etc., soon' then I accept I can't have. And vice versa.

You're both BU.

This would drive me batshit.

Spending money, not a problem. Treating someone like a brainless idiot not worthy of the truth because 'they wouldn't like it' - not ok.

And I'd expect my partner to feel the same if it were reversed.

Thanks all, I think I just have to admit I am being a bit U then. The thing is though, I don't give him hell. I'm generally laid back/horizontal about most things. It's just a bit insulting to be lied to, as GreenIce says

YABU. In this family, I'm the extravagant one. Not prepared to wear socks with holes in, don't eke out things to the bitter end, don't own a jacket I bought when I was 21, don't make little lists detailing exactly what I spend every day. I really push the boat out and buy the odd Radley handbag and divine pair of Russell & Bromley shoes, and spend about £500 a year on my hair and like taking the dc's out for supper once a month.

I earn less than one tenth of what DH earns - he has never ever complained about what I spend - either of his money or mine!

The money wouldn't bother me but the assumption that I am such a shit that I will moan and nag would.

The lying would piss me off hugely. I would feel like I couldn't trust him with anything, if he can lie about little unnecessary things, what else does he lie about?

No, no, no. In a relationship, over a lifetime there might be things we do , or stuff that happens that one or other of us might be pissed off about. I want to be with someone who tells the truth to me anyway.

Oh come on, most of us have all done it I would have thought..

"new shoes darling?"

nah.. had them ages....

well yes, I bought them in the sales though..

well, they were a bargain only £50..

If money isnt a problem, then I would either not ask in the first place, or I would check the auction and say "how much was it really then?", but I wouldnt be going too mad about the fibbing.

Nah I don't go in for all this naughty schoolboy or little wifey bollocks.

I'm actually a great advocate of 'fibbing', I think lying has it's time and place. But I prefer honesty in matters of fidelity, money and sex

I'd be pissed off about the lying, and the fact that he values your point of view so little that he's not even going to give you the facts to form an accurate opinion- apparently only he is worthy of any kind of financial decision making.

In most households, spending hundreds of pounds on anything has a significant impact on family budgets; we'd certainly discuss something like this in advance just to make sure we weren't caught out.

Does he generally hide finances from you? Are you "allowed" to see/ be involved with the household finances? This would really bother me TBH.

I'm generally quite an advocate of the odd fib too, Green, it's just this was..so deliberate and repeated! And the thing actually cost over $1400, not that that's the point.

He was obviously feeling guilty as he did a lot of tidying up last night

He doesn't hide finances and is very generous - if I wanted something expensive for myself he'd be totally happy with that. I think the main issue is mine - that I pride myself on not being naggy - I ignore his sneaky fags (he knows I don't particularly like it but quite frankly it's none of my business and I'm just jealous as I've given up properly ) and badly concealed porn history on the laptop (ditto but without the jealousy!) BUT I am not a moron, nor do I lay down the law, so being out-and-out lied to is a bit of an insult, as many of you have said.

Thanks, I feel better now.

Any suggestions for an expensive hobby so I can follow Fabby's excellent suggestion?

Horses. They'll clean you out :)

YANBU, IMO. Drives me bats when DH randomly lies unnecessarily about stuff. He always gets caught out as well, which just makes it even more stupid behaviour. It's so bloody disrespectful!

Expensive hobby, you say? Gemstone polishing, gold jewellery making, wine collecting, vintage Chanel (or other designer clothes) collecting, art collecting - the list is endless! [evil ]