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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to want overnight visitors when i have a young baby

52 replies

chocolatehobnobs · 12/12/2011 18:25

My DS is a month old and DSis has not yet visited . She has 2 DD 34 months and 11 months. She lives 2 hours drive from me. She always attacks me and DH for not spending more time with my family. She views herself as a childrearing expert so I'm surprised she has not visited. The truth is that my family are difficult, especially en masse and argue a lot , DH finds them stressful. My DM suggested that I again invite my sister to visit so I phoned her to invite her offering 10 days in next 2 weeks bringing the girls. She wants to come and stay overnight midweek with her 2 girls as she feels 2 x 2 hours in the car is unreasonable for her DD. I would find a daytime visit an easier proposition so I asked her to think about it. AIBU not to want them all to stay overnight?

OP posts:

Sparklingbaubles · 12/12/2011 19:15

I think it's that people expect to stay that bothers me.

blackteaplease · 12/12/2011 19:24

Can she afford a hotel/ or do you have other relatives she can stay with? You will find the extra people in your house annoying but they don't have to be that much hard work.

I have 1 dd 23 months and I wouldn't drive 2x2 hours with her in one day as she screams the car down unless she is asleep. Could you compromise by going to visit her when your baby is a bit older as they sleep more and are easy to transport when younger.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/12/2011 19:25

Sorry sparkling, that wasn't my intention at all. We moved for my Dad's job, and so we always had family and friends to stay, and went to stay with them so for me it seems really normal to have other people in the house.
I'm not one of these that has an open door, mates popping in and out thing going on, that would drive me bonkers, but a planned visit is - IMO - a lovely thing.

But, we have a spare room which makes it very straight forward. If we didn't then I would probably feel a bit differently about it.

Sparklingbaubles · 12/12/2011 19:29

I think I would be better if we had a spare room (with ensuite!) Alibaba. Come to think of it we hardly ever had overnight guests when I was young, so I may have inherited it!

Also when DS1 was one month old most nights were spent jiggling/pacing him round the upstairs while he screamed.

CamperFan · 12/12/2011 19:39

I think the point is more that the OP finds her family difficult and she seems to be a bit bullied into inviting them over.

RaraGigglePixie · 12/12/2011 19:46

YANBU

2x2 hour drives in one day is easy.

Set off at 10am after kids have had breakfast, give them a snack in the car, arrive at midday, have lunch with you, stay for a couple hours, set off at 3pm ish, give kids a snack in car, arrive home in time for dinner.

We do it and more all the time with a 15month old and a 2 1/2yr old.

Last thin I wanted when I had a month old baby is have any overnight guests.

TheBolter · 12/12/2011 19:49

YABU. She's your sister. Grit your teeth and get on with it.

Sparklingbaubles · 12/12/2011 19:52

I notice it's chocolate's Mum that suggested the visit. Yes she's chocolate's sister but she sounds but she also dishes out personal attacks and unwanted child rearing advice. So why would you want her round at all.

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 12/12/2011 20:04

Mixed responses - it was an honest AIBU as I don't have experience travelling with children. Still not sure who is in the wrong here , she certainly seems to think IABU and a cowbag!
I did suggest weekend days if she wanted to come alone while DH looked after her DC or they could share the driving. She is too busy. We do have a spare room but she is quite full on as a house guest. She would be outraged if I suggested a hotel with the 2 DC and I would not suggest it.

I would go to her but had c section so am struggling to drive short distances as my abs are sore so I can't visit them for another few weeks. It feels like we are in a stalemate. I'd like to see her but my idea of a good visit is short and sweet before world war 3 breaks out as usual. She likes long visits where she gets to give me advice on everything ad nauseum.
We could agree to leave it but this is in danger of being brought us as an issue for the next 30 years by DM and DSIs. (That's how my family operate)

OP posts:

KD0706 · 12/12/2011 20:44

I can see its a tough one. Although I can understand her not wanting to do the drive I do think it's unreasonable of her to expect to stay when you have such a young baby.

Could you arrange a date now for when you'll go and see her, eg early in the new year, so that gives you a few more weeks to recover. But if a date has been agreed then it doesn't seem like you don't want to see her. Did you say your dc is one month old? So say in another three weeks the drive may be realistic for you?

Meglet · 12/12/2011 20:47

YANBU. I barely wanted people popping round at that stage, let alone stay overnight. Luckily my house is too small for anyone to ever stay .

I hate staying anywhere with my kids so would rather drive for 2 hours each way than stay in someone elses house.

Sparklingbaubles · 12/12/2011 20:51

Meglet it's not just me then? I wanted everyone to leave me alone when I had DS1. People I hadn't seen for ages suddenly wanted to come round, it was so stressful.

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 12/12/2011 20:58

I just don't want guests with a screaming baby...

OP posts:

Sparklingbaubles · 12/12/2011 21:00

I think that's fair enough chocolate. It's just how to explain it to your Mum and Sister. Maybe just tell them that.

rednosedreindeerhead · 12/12/2011 21:01

this is really hard OP, I have similar issues with my sister although my baby isn't born yet. Because I've been able to drive so far we have tended to meet up half way most of the time but as I am now heavily pregnant I don't want to drive for long and I also don't want any huge long visits. I'm seeing them at Christmas when they are staying the night, and I'm already feeling worried about it - there's not much you can do at Christmas though. Other times... well I would say she has to like it or lump it and wait until you are up to it and fit enough. Remind her that a c-section is a major op and you are still recovering. It's not fair for her to expect you to entertain her for a whole day, evening and morning under the current circumstances.

AllGoodNamesGone · 12/12/2011 21:21

Neither of you is being U.

It's perfectly fine to not want overnight guests. Tbh even a daytime visit with two little ones can be tough when you are not recovered from the birth and getting less sleep than you ever thought possible (shudders at the memory of one of my best friends coming round with her two little boys after a night when I'd not had more than 30 minutes unbroken sleep! I love my friend and her boys dearly but really wish I had put them off!)

However, I wouldn't really fancy 4 hours in the car with two such little ones, especially in the middle of winter - there's another thing, she might get stranded at yours for days if it snows!! - and a hotel stay wouldn't be much fun either.

If you were my sister I would have left my children with DH and come for a day by myself before the placenta was delivered by now, however, I would be sort of guest who would bring food and offer to put the kettle on at regular intervals as I remember the new mum days very well!

It sounds as if she doesn't especially feel the need to see her new nephew (I wouldn't be able to stay away!) so I think you should stick to your guns and suggest meeting in the middle when the weather is better, somewhere like a national trust place where you can have a nice meal and a walk and there will be a playground for the three year old to run off steam.

zumm · 12/12/2011 21:31

Your sister sounds like a bossy cow. YANBU. I bet if she'd have asked you what might work for you/how about next month/come to some joint good decision this wld not even be an issue. Is she your older sister perchance?

However, as others have said, I'd just agree to put her up - but maybe push it to next month? (explain to her that the baby is still waking every night and you won't be able to look after her properly) My goodness, thinking back to the first month, I think it was one long breastfeed - I definitely would not have wanted overnight guests and I love entertaining. Not even my - very very bossy sister - was this assumptive!

Good luck.

NinkyNonker · 12/12/2011 21:35

I don't hugely like guests, especially difficult ones. For that reason yanbu.

Sassybeast · 12/12/2011 21:47

YABU. It's 'one' night.

zumm · 12/12/2011 22:30

Yeh, but Sassy, my bet is that OP's sister knows OP won't be thrilled at this - it's a difficult one since OP will be in the 'wrong' if she puts off her sister, even though everyone (including the sister) must know what a PITA it will be for the OP. I reckon OP's sister is doing this partly with the hope (even if she doesn't quite realise it) that OP will say 'don't come'. That's why I reckon OP sd put her up - and as you (Sassy) say, it's just one night.
Pfff, there are some siblings who just lurve to make life difficult... But maybe it will all be good in the end. I know lots of people who have had better relationships after children - same playing field type thing. OP give it a go - your sister may actually be OK.

zumm · 12/12/2011 22:32

oooooh and if she does come, will you please do a thread on how it goes

MoTeaVate · 12/12/2011 22:36

YANBU, but neither is she. 2 of mine would have been (and one still is) hell with 2x2hr car journeys in one day. Equally, you've had a major operation and have a v young baby. Putting up and adult and 2 small kids would be a big deal.

I guess you need to acknowledge the difficult situation and suggest an acceptable way forward for you. e.g. we are looking forward to seeing you and would love to be able to find a way to make that happen soon, but cannot manage any guests until X. Repeat that last part like a broken record as necessary. Maybe stress how much more interesting the baby will be at Y age?

Firawla · 12/12/2011 22:49

i think yanbu. 2x 2 hours is not that bad really, but if she does not want that then she does have the option of any hotel or b&b nearby? i sympathise with you op because i am not keen on overnight visitors and with a young baby who will be awake in the night and a bossy sister who thinks she is childcare expert i can understand why you would not be keen on that senario..
regardless of whether 2 toddler is more hard work than 1 newborn or whatever people have said - that may be the case but you are a new mum still recovering from birth and this is your first child too so people should be expected to comply with your needs more, rather than just doing what suits them. you should not be getting guilt trip from your family about 'havent invited sister' - you have invited her, for a day trip. if that is too much hard work for her that is up to her not to come but she cant say you havent invited her. and tbh she should come to visit, its rude not to as its her new nephew. okay its not always easy travelling with young children but its a one off occasion, to see your new baby so she should suck it up and get on with it!

blackeyedsanta · 12/12/2011 22:53

you are not being unreasonable to say no to overnight stays with a one month old. she is not being unreasonable to not want to do the drive.

just say that is fine, perhaps we can meet up another time when you are up to either travelling or having someone stay.

Birdsnotbees · 12/12/2011 23:02

How come it's OK for her to say she's 'too busy' to see you at the weekend, yet it's not OK for you to say an overnight stay would be a bit much?

My lovely SIL left her DD at home and travelled 4 hours to see my newborn, then went home same day. She wouldn't have dreamed of bringing her DD.

If your sister was that desperate to see you, she'd make time on one of her 'busy weekends' and thus make life easier for both herself and you.

YANBU.

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