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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feel like i've failed...aibu?

23 replies

toomanypillows · 12/12/2011 16:28

Regular- name changed for privacy.
Had a really rough 2 weeks in terms of workload etc. Normally work pt, but have had major project on& been doing 60+ hours a week. Really exhausted me, as still have had main care for ds at weekend. Entirely my choice- enjoyed it, but so tired.
I am also involved in a major project as a hobby. Had huge issues with venue (it is a fashion show for charity). Massive back story here, but the crux is that i have had to change date and venue due to unreasonable attitude from original venue at v short notice. This has and is causing me lots of stress and anxiety.
Today was my first day off in 3 weeks. Had a lovely day with ds (aged 2.3) and spent it cleaning and refereeing. 3 weeks worth of cleaning taken me all day. My usually calm toddler has chosen today to have minor meltdowns, and then I received a really nasty email from the person from the venue, which has really upset me. Also, i have a stinking cold.
DS is having trouble settling at night, (new house/ new bedroom) and was up 5 times last night. I anticipate similar tonight. Normally I would be ok, but am at work at 7am tomorrow, DH is not home tonight, and I have asked my inlaws to take him for the night to give me a break. I will take him there tonight at 7 and DH will pick him up at 10am tomorrow morning.
Thing is, that's really shit isn't it? It gets a little bit tough, and i decide I can't cope. I feel like such a shit Mum. It's not an unusual situation is it? Most parents just get on with it... but here I am, just shirking my responsibilities just because i've had a very slightly rough day.
I should just get on with it. I'm an idiot. It's not even an issue, but as soon as I find it hard i reach out for help.
I feel so bad about it. He was a much wanted IVF baby...and after all we went through to have him, i feel so guilty doing this. IABU aren't I? Should phone them and cancel.
Sorry about the rant. Just needed to say it all i think.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 16:30

Why is it failing. You are knackered and under a lot of pressure. Your child will enjoy being with his grandparents, to whom he will be a much wanted grandchild and they enjoy having him to themselves. You get to recharge your batteries, so everyone wins.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

Original poster
toomanypillows · 12/12/2011 16:36

Do you think, squeaky? It just seems like the minute it gets tough, i'm bailing. And i feel guilty for being relieved that i have the night "off"
Thank you.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 12/12/2011 16:39

YABU- that's not failing, it's sensible. You've got an extraordinary amount on your plate at the moment and you do sound like you are struggling. DS will have a wonderful time with his grandparents and you can get a full night's sleep and be firing on all cylinders tomorrow. Make the most of having lovely ILs available and happy to help!

bugsylugs · 12/12/2011 16:41

ooh poor you. Your are not a repeat out loud NOT a bad mum. You have recognised that you are struggling need to be up early and DS is not sleeping well at present possibly due to house move and you have no support with you tonight when DH is away. My DS always used to kick off ie not going to sleep easily on the weeks his dad was away things got better when I put a photo of him and his dad by his bed and he kissed it good night he was 1.5. I would end in tears and feel dreadful that I found it so hard those nights, and guilty because it was so much easier than stories other mum s had. You are being a good mum as he gets to spend time with his grandparents brill for both sides. You hopefully will get some rest and then can be a lovely calm mummy when you see him next. I see this as a win win all ways round. I think they pick up when we feel tense.
Sorry about the horrid email.
Enjoy the evening to yourself spoil yourself long soak rubbish tv to get your spirit picked up.

CalatalieSisters · 12/12/2011 16:43

You needed a break and you are lucky enough to have inlaws who can give you a break -- and give DS the fun of sleepover into the bargain. It isn't a failure at all, especially since you have just had a nice one-on-one day with him.

Enjoy the time out. Spoil yourself a bit. Don't waste it feeling guilty.

I wonder if having had to work so hard to become pregnant means that you irrationally feel you ought to adore every single second of parenthood? As if temporary exhaustion means you aren't sufficuently cherishing a baby that was so hard to come by?

You are just as entitled to think "Enough! I need a break!" as someone who fell pregnant at the drop of a hat.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 12/12/2011 16:44

I'm assuming he's stayed there before? If he has, it's even better, as he can catch up on sleep in a familiar place, and you can get some rest too. It isn't failure, it's a responsible decision for you and your DS.

featherbag · 12/12/2011 16:45

YABU - don't be daft, look forward to the lovely sleep, why not have yourself a nice relaxing bath too, make the most of it? Enjoy!

Original poster
toomanypillows · 12/12/2011 16:48

Oh thank you all. It sounds ok when I read your posts. I just think of other parents who just get on with it, having much, much worse days than me. And if dh wasn't working tonight, i would be ok. He works in the day, but with 2 evenings a week, and he stays over at work as it's 50 miles away. Normally i enjoy having ds to myself, but felt myself almost dreading it tonight. I love him so much, and hate feeling like this... but maybe you are right and the recharge will perk me up for tomorrow.
Thanks again

OP posts:
Original poster
toomanypillows · 12/12/2011 16:51

He has slept at inlaws before, we have moved a little bit nearer to them, and he does love staying there. Calatalie- i definitely feel guilt when i'm not enjoying parenthood... it took 9 years to become pregnant, and there is definitely an element of having had so many years wanting this that i feel i can never complain. But i am aware of that, and am trying to chill out a bit. Thank you all...you have made me feel better. :)

OP posts:
angelfire · 12/12/2011 16:59

I have an IVF baby
I adore him
But if I had as much on my plate as you do at the moment and I had willing in laws to give me a well earned break i would bite their hand off
ENJOY!

DeckTheHallsWithPopcornMice · 12/12/2011 17:02

YABU, you are not bailing!! Have a much-needed night of sleep and it'll seem much better in the morning. He will love being spoiled by grannie and you will love the sleep :)

JamieComeHome · 12/12/2011 17:03

in the nicest possible way. STOP IT YOU WALLY.

nativitywreck · 12/12/2011 17:08

I left ds at my mums on Saturday and went to London for a wild party.
Because I could.
Damned if it didn't completely energize me!
Silly woman, go and get a bottle of wine and some nice cake and have a lovely time.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 17:10

It doesnt make any difference at all that he is IVF, that does not make him any different to any other child in the terms of tiring you out!! Grin

And it certainly doesnt mean you are letting him, yourself or anyone else down just because you are knackered and need some help from family.

Yes, loads of mums on here have worse days, some have better days, some get on with it, and plenty wish they had supportive parents and in-laws who want to be part of their childs life. There are also plenty of grandparents who would love to be more involved in their grandchildrens lives but get left out because the childs parents are unwilling to allow them to play much part in their lives.

Dont feel guilty for having the opportunities. :)

QuietNinjaMincepie · 12/12/2011 17:23

You dingbat. Failing? I don't think so, good nights sleep will do you the world of good and you'll be ready for another busy day tomoro. You sound like you have a lot on, when you gt back from dropping off have a well deserved glass of Wine and an earl night. Enjoy.

QuietNinjaMincepie · 12/12/2011 17:24

Oh fgs. Dropping ds off and pls ignore typos.

Original poster
toomanypillows · 12/12/2011 17:27

You're all so wonderful

OP posts:
JamieComeHome · 12/12/2011 17:31

Honestly, please don't put such pressure on yourself - that way lies madness. It is strong to be able to ask for help when you need it. And fortunate that it's there.

halcyondays · 12/12/2011 17:51

It's only 1 night, it's not like you're sending him off to stay with them for 6 months! If they're happy to take him, then just enjoy the break and son't feel guilty. Yes, some people get on with it, but very often it's because they have no choice, I wish my dds had gps that could take them overnight to give us a break.

CailinDana · 12/12/2011 18:23

You are doing absolutely the right thing. It's silly to carry on all martyr-like when you're exhausted, yet that's what many people do, women in particular. You have help available and you're using it wisely which is what a good mother does. Make the most of your night and stop feeling guilty!

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 12/12/2011 18:44

Does your DH feel guilty? No, then neither should you.
You sound like a great mum, stop beating yourself up!

ReindeerBollocks · 12/12/2011 18:49

You are being daft, you haven't failed.

However don't ruin your restful evening with guilt, your DS will be back tomorrow. Have a good one:)

Pishtushette · 12/12/2011 18:55

You haven't failed. You've got so much on your plate at the moment, you need to get some decent sleep so that you can get through the day.

Have a wonderful relaxing evening and enjoy the peace.

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