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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex ignores me but wants to come here Xmas morning

19 replies

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 10:49

This really I've always tried to be reasonable but he doesn't make it easy. He played some serious mind games with my son this year and I had to tell him to back off, my son refused to talk to him for months as he hurt him so badly. I have to pick up the pieces.

Since I told my ex to back off from my son, he has ASD and can't cope with conflict, Dad gets angry at the drop of a hat, and lost his temper with son, became verbally abusive, very distressing for my son. Sorry waffling now. Anyway I have always allowed the ex to see my son on Christmas Day in my house but being as we haven't spoken since June, I really don't feel like letting him in.

The atmosphere would be frosty at best. He lives in the same city but won't let my son into his house, won't let my son meet his girlfriend of a few years now and everything locally is closed.

I think I might suggest to the ex via text that he has his Christmas Day on Christmas Eve, takes him around to the extended family then and forgets Christmas Day. The other problem is that my son might not even want to go this year, he's a teen.

AIBU to not let the miserable gobsheite DX into my home on Christmas Day?

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 12/12/2011 10:52

No you have done your best. Ask your son whether he would like to see him and then ask him what he will be doing about it if the answer is yes.

I had a miserable christmas day last year as xh was frosty all day - never again.He is picking up 2ds for a couple of hours this year.

Hugs

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 10:52

Even with ASD, what would your son like to happen?

Original poster

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 10:58

My son actually hates Christmas if he got his way the whole thing would be awash. We'd go away on the 23rd and come back when it is good and over. He'd go somwhere that Christmas doesn't exist. He finds it incredibly stressful, hates surprises, change of routine, different food the whole thing is awful for him.

I'd rather try to sort it so he doesn't have the additional stress of making decisions too because that would really put him in a difficult position. If he said he wants Dad to come here for a couple of hours in the morning we'd have frosty city.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 11:05

Have you actually heard from your Ex then?

Original poster

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 11:13

He's not talking to me, but I am trying to get this clear in my head before I tackle it. If I was being unreasonable not letting him in here then I'd rather know it now before I tell him he is not welcome in my home this year. He's been here most Christmas Days for several years just for a couple of hours in the morning, he's never invited for dinner or anything more than a visit to his son.

One thing Ive noticed on here is that I am very likely to get an honest opinion.

OP posts:

Original poster

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 11:14

My son is now seeing him again, he's done the usual, get nasty then send presents through the post routine to butter up my son. I just don't want my son to have to make the decision about whether he is allowed in here I think that's my decision to make.

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squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 11:15

Has he not seen his son since June either then?

Sorry for the questions, just trying to get a bit more before I can really say what I think you could do to make Christmas easier for you and your son.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 11:17

Ah right, bit of a cross post there.

So I assume that your son and his Dad make their own arrangements to see each other.

Would it be better if they could try and stick to normal routine, rather than doing anything special for Christmas, that could just upset your son.

Does he go anywhere with his Dad at other times normally, or have any hobby that they do together which they could do on the day for a couple of hours.

Original poster

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 11:17

Xposted Squeaky I think, he's back in touch with his son, and they normally arrange any contact between them, I just get told which I don't mind at all, not in the slightest.

I wouldn't put it passed the ex to think he can come here Christmas Day ignore me and spend time with his son. I am preempting. Don't worry it's not a dreaded anti AIBU, just trying to decide in my own mind just how much rope I should cut the ex then put the boundaries in.

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Original poster

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 11:20

All his hobby places are closed, ex will want to be in the pub for opening time which will be across the town so it will only be a couple of hours in the morning if he asks my son or arranges it with my son of course. I just dont feel that he should be able to come in to our home and ignore me which to me would be the height of ignorance.

He has done it before.

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squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 11:22

I agree, he shouldnt just presume to enter your home. That is your personal space, and you should be under no obligation to let anyone in who you are not comfortable to be with.

However with your son having ASD I can understand that it puts limitations on options too.

What about your ex's family. Are they nearby, and would it be an option to drop your son there and your ex to go there too.

Original poster

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 11:30

It's the other side of town, my ex has his own house just won't let my son visit him there. That's weird IMO.

My son normally likes to be in his home so he can play his games. I have been invited to a brothers 80 miles away, I think I might just go there and it is problem solved. It will be nice too as son can still play his games with cousins, there's a new baby and more of a Xmasy feeling. Son hates Christmas but loves his cousins to bits so that might work well. I'll just have to stay sober to do the driving, so no wine with dinner for me.

I think just typing it out has made it clear what I should do and that's to go where the most amount of fun is and if that upsets the ex tough. He can see him on Xmas Eve.

OK I think that's decided and there's no conflict which is better for me and my son.

Now next. If I go to brothers family I have a puppy who can't be left all day. Would it be really really rude to ask if I can bring the puppy up and stick her in her crate somewhere out of the way. (Not that she'll stay crated, the cousins love her). Is it rude to ask, they have their own dog and cats too.

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wheredidiputit · 12/12/2011 12:48

I would just ask your brother if it ok to bring the dog. I presum that he knows the situation with your ex anyway.

pigletmania · 12/12/2011 13:03

Your ex sounds like a total nob, ask your son whether he wants to see his father, if not tell ex not to come. I He does not sound like he bothers, I just would not have him round.

kelly2000 · 12/12/2011 14:29

Why should you enable your ex to exclude DS from his home, by allowing him to useyour home for christmas visitation. If he wants to see DS then he can invite him to his home, and let DS decide if he wants to go.

YellowDinosaur · 12/12/2011 14:37

What kelly2000 said. With bells on.

If he wants to see his son then he can invite him to his house. No reason why yolu should be made to feel awkward in your own house. Or he can take him out for a walk or something. Your ds isn't a baby and if they want to see each other they can arrange something together.

I'd preempt it though with a message to your ex saying that as you aren't talking you are not happy for him to come into your home for contact, including Christmas morning. That you are happy to drop your son at a mutually convenient place for a couple of hours (if you are of course) or if this isn't acceptable to arrange another time over the festive period.

Or go to your brothers - problem solved

AMumInScotland · 12/12/2011 14:37

There's nothing rude in asking if you can bring the puppy - if they have a dog and it doesn't mind other dogs then there isn't likely to be a problem. I'd offer to bring the crate "in case they don't get on".

It certainly sounds like both you and your son will have a beter time visitng brother/cousins. And your ex can arrange to see DS another day, if they both want to at all.

Original poster

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 18:47

I've decided it's the brothers, I'm sure they'll be fine with the crate but I'll call to ask. I've just thought of another problem in my dysfunctional world. My son is too scared to tell his Dad about the puppy in case Dad goes off on one because he doesn't like dogs and thinks we already have enough pets. We have three cats and now a puppy.

So having Dad here will mean he will have to know about the puppy which my son doesn't want. I'm seriously a sane normalish woman, how did I end up married to such a complete and utter plonker.

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Original poster

sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 18:48

Thanks to everyone for helping me to sort this out in my mind.

OP posts:

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