to not cope when DH has to travel for work?

[naturalbaby]

I don't know where to put this, it feels like nothing compared to the other stuff in relationships/mental health but I need a bit of perspective.

Dh travels every 2 or 3 months for a few days. I have never been able to cope being away from him overnight. He's only been travelling for a few months but I have a feeling it might increase so I'm trying to get my head round the future.

My moods are like a rollercoaster - utterly depressed/angry/resentful when I find out when/where he's going, pull myself together, have a great few weeks as a family then start all over again when the next trip is booked. I went through a bad patch a few months ago and saw a GP - I'm a bit stressed and anxious (who isn't?!) but nothing major or serious. I am strong and I do get on with it and I do cope. I just need him here first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I have things to do, things to look forward to, I even quite enjoy the peace and quiet when all the kids are in bed and I have the house to myself. I just don't want to be a complete emotional wreck every few months from now on.
The only way I've been able to deal with it is to totally shut off from him. I've avoided him completely because I'm so upset and angry that he has to go. He has a great job, he puts his family first all the time. I just need to cope with this a bit better so I can support him like he supports me.

My thoughts are that my contraceptive might be messing with my hormones and emotions a bit (1st depo a couple of months ago but was feeling like this before), I need counselling, I just need more to look forward to because I'm stuck in the daily grind of being a sahm to 3 v.young kids, I just need to get a grip.

You have to find the plus side of it, and enjoy that.

Having the bed to yourself, watching something on TV that you like.. eating something nice for dinner, when you feel like eating it..

Agree with him that he will give you a call before he goes to bed, and in the morning, so you can have a quick chat..

My husband works away occasionally and I love it.

It might be better to put this in general health or depression and anxiety?

Tbh it sounds like you are depressed and you need to go back to the gp

it's not normal to feel so upset, if it is your contrception it really needs looking into and changing

I do kind of enjoy it and have things to look forward to.

The other sections have such serious issues, this just feels silly in comparison. I saw the Gp when I was like this before and the conclusion was nothing wrong, I have high standards and need a bit more time to myself etc etc.
I just keep telling him to be flattered I care so much to be so upset about missing him!

DH travels a bit with work and I sometimes feel the same way as you. I think it's because being a SAHM is such a lonely job and DH is the only other person who really shares the load - suddenly being told I'm on my own is a bit scary I think and makes me anxious. I so look forward to DH coming home in the evening and I feel much more stressed during the day if I know I'll be on my own till bedtime. Once DS is in bed I feel much better as I have some time to myself and I do enjoy a bit of time on my own.

Are you a worrier? I definitely am and I think that's half the problem. I worry that something will go wrong while I'm on my own or that something will happen to DH while he's away. I hate having my routine disrupted and I get quite pissed off when DH announces a trip away, even though I do try to hide it and be supportive. DH hates being away too so at least he understands how I feel.

Can you get any extra help during the days when he is away? Is it worth paying for a babysitter/ad hoc nanny to come and help with the bedtime / morning routines, just so you don't dread the whole thing so much and end up taking it out on him, when clearly it's not his fault and not really such a big deal? I have friends whose partners work nights so they always do the bedtime routine on their own and suck it up, but I am a bit more like you (not as extreme - I do think you should check out the hormone aspect and see if that's aggravating matters) and am a bit frantic whenever DP is away and I have to do it all myself. If it became a regular thing, I'd be looking for back-up.

It isnt as though he is going away for nights out with his mates though. He is working. You have to put it into perspective and not let it upset you.

Do you have a friend who you can invite over to stay while he is away, or can you go visit someone, so that you are doing something different from the normal routine too?

It does sound like you are anxious and not a little depressed if you are getting that upset at your partner going you are shutting him out for weeks in advance. I do get that it isn't nice to be on your own, but I think there's more to it if you are worrying about it in advance and punishing him for working.

I would go to counselling if you can to talk through with someone why you feel like this, just a few sessions might help.

It is harder when you have three and no-one else around, but for a few days I would think it would be doable, even if not enjoyable and it's a shame to let fear of these trips spoil everything. My husband works away in the weeks, so I'm doing the bedtime stuff 5 days a week on my own (sometimes more), and I don't mind it. I think your anxiety is driving this more than anything.

agree with others to try and find the positives to the change of routine. my hubby goes away too and so I try and get a friend over for a glass of wine one night and maybe another night try and do something for me that i am rubbish at getting round too - something vaguely fun like a face mask pamper, read a mag etc.
i tend to eat with the kids at their tea time and then my evening is free-er than normal as no hubby to cook for etc.
btw, i could never take the contraception pill as it made me so depressed too. definitely something to check on asap.
take care

I've got family who help but it's never the same as your partner is it? I've looked into nanny's or getting family to come over at 7am (they would if I asked) but I don't think that's the issue.

I'm so proud of him and happy for him, I just can't talk about it or express it because I'm so upset that part of it means he has to be away. The poor man just wants to talk about his day like everyone else but I can't do it.

I am a worrier, it just doesn't feel like something I need counselling for when I can cope and get on with it 90% of the time. Plus the amount of time it takes to get referred and into an actual appointment really puts me off, and our finances don't really need another major outgoing. I keep thinking something else can deal with the anxiety, I can deal with it myself if I know how. I've read books but they deal with much more major issues so it just made me feel silly. I'm not housebound or having panic attacks. I just want him to be here.

I'm so sick of all the gp appointments re. contraception. I can't go back to what I was on before because I'm BF.

naturalbaby I'm an old biddy and I've been there and done that. In fact am still doing it, though not to the extent it used to be. My DH was a merchant seaman, so was away for up to six months in the early part of our marriage, and four months at a time when he was promoted, etc. We have four children, and I never had any help with them (didn't want or need it), apart from my Mum occasionally babysitting. The trick is to treat it as part and parcel of life, and to look on the good side. The excitement when Daddy was coming home was something to behold!

Some women would say to me - I couldn't do it. Well, do you know something? I did it, because this is the person I love with all my heart, and I'd rather be with him that be with someone else who's there all the time, and no way would I ever have expected him to give up the job he loved. Nowadays DH is office-based and only travels out to ships for a week or so at a time on inspections, and I look on it as a wee holiday from the usual day to day stuff. In fact, I dreaded the day he started on the 9-5 thing - I knew it would come one day - although it's worked out better than I had thought.

Anyway, just mentioning the above to let you know that there are good and bad sides to what you're experiencing - you just have to try and find the good and concentrate on that.

It's a little sad that you seem to look on the SAHM stuff as a bit of a grind. Maybe I'm different, but I loved looking after my children, and I do miss them being little these days. Please try not to push him away, as that way lies grief. Look forward to him coming home, prepare a special meal, get a bottle of wine in...whatever it is that can make it that bit special.

As others have said, perhaps it'd be a good idea to pop along to your GP. It does sound as if you're a bit depressed, and if you can get out of the depression, then life will, I'm sure, improve for you, and you'll find his absences easier to bear.

You say you don't think having practical support is the issue, that it's just wanting him to be there. In that case, I would say that you definitely do need counselling or some kind of help as this is not a normal level of anxiety. It's quite normal for partners to go away for work and he isn't away all that much. The level of upset you are talking about is a concern. You don't have to have panic attacks or be housebound to have a problem that is worth addressing. But in the meantime, it does seem worthwhile getting the practical help, especially as you say it's available, as the reality of him being away might then cease to be such a burden and your views on it might start to become more balanced.

What would happen though if he had to get up at 5am for work, you would still have the morning routine to do.

How old are the kids? Do you have a school run to do?

Maybe change the morning routine a bit if you can, so that it isnt as hectic if that is the problem.

I don't know about you, but I am madly jealous that dh gets to travel for work.
He sees people I know and love (I never see them now).
He eats out in great restaurants, socialising for work is part of the trip.
What he sees as a 6-hour transatlantic pain in the arse, I see as 6 hours on a plane with a button which will bring me champagne.

In the past he's left without a care for details like: is there enough food? What could he do in advance so I wouldn't have to? Is there maybe a small treat he could organise for me? He got better for a while but now I don't need him to think about things (older child, and just the one, not hard work).

I have on occasion just not spoken to him about trips, particularly if he was just going to tell me how he went here and there (in free time) with friends of mine who I miss terribly.

Also, frankly, I kind of resent (but try not to) that he gets to have this job plus no childcare worries because of me, and takes it utterly for granted.

Is it something along those lines?

I hear you over the counselling, but turning into a complete emotional wreck every time your husband goes away for a few days is quite extreme, and it is very very common as many people travel away for work (I do myself for 2/3 days at a time, I don't love going to be honest, but I don't get worried or upset about it and I would be very concerned if my husband was distressed by it).

I think you are just jealous and insecure, you have a fabulous life and family and see his work away as if it is "the other woman" threatening your relationship.

I am not seeing counselling as a solution here, you just need to keep busy busy busy. It could be worse, you could have been like I was about 15 years ago and positively salivated at getting rid of the (now exh) for a few nights.

LePrune I am so envious too that my dh gets to travel so much. He's off to Singapore in January for a dry dock, and I have my fingers well crossed that he has enough AirMiles for me to get a business class seat to go with him! Mind you, I'll go cattle class if need be, but will still be well envious of him up there getting his comfy seat and lovely food and drink.

Just a thought naturalbaby - does he travel within the UK or abroad? Is there any chance at all that you could occasionally go along with him. I know there's children involved, but is there anyone who could look after them and allow you to go? Just remembered - my Mum looked after mine (only three of them at the time) while I went out to join him on a ship in Dubai for a couple of weeks when he got his 'big promotion'. Ah the memories.....(missed my babies like mad, though).

so much for your experiences. I've searched for and read similar threads to prove to myself how lucky I am and see what other wives do/think. I keep telling myself I couldn't have fallen in love with someone in the army - how would I cope with him being away for months?!

I wasn't keen on going to the Gp because she was lovely and very understanding but nothing changed or happened the last time. I did blub a bit to the receptionist who got me an appointment this afternoon so I'll at least be able to deal with the contraception issue (which is a whole other thread in itself ).
I count my blessings, I don't like to complain too much because I know other's have to deal with much worse, and he is such an amazing man.
So can I just blame the hormones then?!?

naturalbaby, you can't stop yourself falling in love with someone, no matter what their job is. I went into our marriage knowing full well what I was letting myself in for, in fact, I met my husband already knowing what his job was (blind date), and I've never looked back. Please be kind to yourself, and try to see the good side of things. If you do, perhaps you'll be like me in a lot of years - almost 39 years married, with five fantastic grandchildren, and still with the boy I fell in love with all those years ago.

natural baby - my DH doesn't travel for work, but he's always working late/nights/weekends. Up until recently, i've been fine with it - it's hard work, but sometimes it's easier just being on your own and getting on with it your way, and i've relished having a bit of time to myself. And a bit of quiet to be honest!

HOWEVER, this week, DH had to work late two nights in a row, and it just really, really upset me - i couldn't fathom why, and had to apologise to him for handling it so badly. It was my period, and i'm pretty sure that's why i flew off the handle about it all. So, what i mean to say is, don't underestimate hormones and how they can affect you. They are very powerful. I've recently considered getting the mirena coil, but after reading on here how anxious and depressed it's made others, i'm not doing it - and i'm even planning to come off the pill. Just don't think extra hormones are the best thing for me [though appreciate sometimes there is no choice ]

Hope that helps

Henrietta he's abroad, and we had decided to go as a family for this trip (which wasn't supposed to happen) but it clashes with dc's school Christmas activities so I couldn't take him out for a holiday. I think that's why I'm worse this month.
I know we have a long and happy marriage ahead of us but I feel like I'm sowing the seeds of bitterness in it and don't want to wreck it at the first big hurdle. I find it really hard to apologise and take the blame so it's easier to blame his job for all my issues, which makes him feel guilty, which isn't fair.

' The poor man just wants to talk about his day like everyone else but I can't do it.'

I'm sorry but I think that's really sad

could you maybe look into getting some hobbies, new frineds, possibly a part time job? To be blunt it sounds like you're in danger of ruining your relationship if you don't let your dh talk about work with you, if you bring him down all the time he might get bitter and resentful

naturalbaby if you were hoping to go this time, then it looks like you will get to go in the future, and as a family, which is wonderful! I took my children with me a few times (of course not always possible during school time), and it will be a wonderful experience for both you and the children.

It's good that you realise that your feelings aren't helping, which goes a long way to making things right. I might have given the impression that I saw my dh off with a happy heart - I didn't. I was always sad at the thought we wouldn't see each other for a long time, but if there's nothing you can do about that, then you just have to get on with things, and look to the future. Also glad to hear you have an appointment with your GP this afternoon. Strangely enough, my GP was/is in the same boat as me (pun intended) as her husband does the same job as mine.

One thing I tried very hard not to do, if I was feeling a bit down about him being away, (and I did at times) was to project my feelings on to the children. I'm sure you're not doing that, of course, but, with them, I always tried to keep things bright and happy, and to keep them looking forward to Daddy coming home, rather than concentrating on the fact that Daddy was away.

Yes, it's hard bringing up children on your own (I used to say I was a single mum about two thirds of the time, but without the money worries!), but at the same time, they are the link to your dh, and it's all worth it in the end. I'm so incredibly proud of my grown up children, I almost burst with it!

Do you feel getting your feelings out on MN is helping you? I do hope it is.

it is really sad. That is my point, I'm worried about ruining my relationship as I have put him through a lot over the last few years. It's bit of a slap in the face when I hear him chatting away with others about his job and it makes me realise how little effort I make. I have new hobbies, new friends and when baby is old enough I will get a job.

I couldn't even tell dc1 this time that he was going away because of his Christmas party, I didn't want a crying child as well as well!