To think this IS a problem, and that is WILL affect our marriage?

[HorribleDay]

Am a reg but have name changed for this for fear of being outed under usual name as DH sometimes scans my posts....

So, we have a 1 year old DS and both work FT, not using childcare at moment but managing with me working 4 days per week and DH working 2-3 night shifts at weekends. We're both a bit tired and have had a heck of a year in terms of bereavements, family illness and a range of day to day ARGH's.

DH has completely lost libido. Nothing happening, at all - not even 'trying' to see if anything happens. Been for approx 8 weeks, and nothing at all for a while now. Affection much less too. Sex not really returned much since DS born, maybe once every 3 weeks or so. We've been together for 8 years, married for 2, always been a 2-3 times / week couple and always been v v good.

Had a long chat today, he seems to think that it's not a problem, is natural and has no ideas for solutions - I suggested trying, not trying, spicing things up, forgetting sex for the foreseeable to take pressure off etc etc. He just shrugged and said he didn't think it was a problem so why would it need a solution? He denies feeling depressed or any kind f stress cause other than the usual tiredness that comes with a 1 year old!

It is hammering my self confidence - my default psychology is to absolutely take all blame, must be something I've done / not done, must be because I am fat / ugly / unattractive.

So, I know I ABU to want a magic cure, but I DO think it is a problem and that it will become more of one - DH disagrees.

Any ideas - how do I cope with this? Is it a problem or not? And please be gentle-ish - self confidence through the floor!

He probably needs time to get over the embarrassment of not being permanently priapic like the media tells him he should be.

Also night shifts are a killer, most people just don't sleep as well during daylight - it's something to do with melatonin production.

Give him a big cuddle and tell him how much you love him?

Did give him huge hug, told him I love him an will do til the day I die, and ultimately left it that it's not a prob and we'll just see how it goes, no pressure to try etc. But no idea how to stop feeling rubbish about myself as a consequence :-(

Just recognise that it's your tendency to feel rubbish in response and remind yourself of this. It's completely natural for libidos to increase and decrease. Allow your partner the space.

So it's clearly a problem - or you wouldn't have posted. Solutions, I have no idea though I'm afraid, he actively rejects you if you initiate something or are you just someone who likes to have it initiated and have normally "hinted" at things when you want it - if that's the case, becoming more dominant might be enough to get his libido to return, I don't think it's unusual for a gap to cause it to be reduced until you go back to do things regularly.

Keep giving him cuddles and telling him

I have been known to tell DP how his behaviour affects me - I have anxiety ishooos anyhow, so when he gets stressed about work and goes quiet I tend to blame myself. He now knows to make an effort to give me at least a brief outline of what's up, even if he then needs a day or two to sort his head out before we can discuss it properly, iyswim

Would he be willing to go to the doctor, to rule out a physical problem?

How often do you want to have sex? You haven't mentioned that at all in your OP. Are you trying to instigate sex because you feel that you should be having sex a certain number of times a week, or because you want to jump your DH's bones?

The thing that becomes a problem is not lack of sex, but mismatched libidos.

fredfredgeorge he activly rejected last 2 times and has actively ignored hints/suggestions too. So figuring feeling actively rejected not going to help either of us at moment hence have agreed to to try come on's at mo.

katmabeliver I suggested do but he snorted, laughed out loud an said not to be daft!! Right before he told me he still desires me as much as ever - which seems like a contradiction to me, but think that's my self blame head??

purple yeah he figured something was up by my quietness (v uncommon!) which prompted the talk today.

Part of me thinks it's really not that big a deal and I should get over myself - another part thinks it is a problem, or will become one, and another part wishes he'd at least acknowledge how it's making me feel - he just shrugged and said - actual words - 'but it's not you, it's me' !

Did he see the birth happen?

I was just going to say that Karma. I had this problem with Dh but I had an inkling there was more to it and sent him to the doctor to get checked out. Turned out he was diabetic and not far off ending up in a coma! His 'lack of interest' stemmed from his inability to get an erection and he was too embarrassed to tell me.

thistledew no idea! Just sometimes. We are slightly mismatched - think everyone is - so I initiate slightly more than he does, but not by much. I think because affection missing too it's a double whammy and I miss the closeness rather than the sex per se (tho obv miss that too!) - and think I equate sex with closeness which is prob something else I should hire a therapist about :-)

melted yep EMCS post 39 hour failed induction - so didn't see the 'birth' as such.

pixel hadn't thought about that as being a possibility - as in erection prob - hmm. May have to give it a few days and have another chat? Don't want to push it today after long chat earlier.

Affair?

Honestly, I think you need to deal with how YOU feel about this as an entirely separate issue from it actually not happening. From what you describe I am not in the least surprised that sex is as infrequent as you say. DP and I are very happy, still fancy each other but have done it about twice since DD was born in may just because we are too damn knackered. If he doesn;t want to talk about it you can't force him an as someone else said, libidos do vary. As for how feel about yourself as a consequence, really, the fact that you are able to consciously recognise the problem suggests that you know you are being silly, he does still want you and you just need to get past this patch. Are you happy with yourself post baby? If not, are you able to exercise / diet / whatever is necessary? Not for his benefit, I stress, but yours.

I think this COULD result in a problem but I think you are creating a problem by being too needy.

The pressure of young DC's and shift work it a nightmare.
DH and I are the same. No formal childcare, two full-time jobs and a house to run = no sex drive (for me at least).

I like sex when we do it but the thought of it seems like really hard work. I know DH quite often just wants to sleep rather than have sex.
We still love and fancy each other and hopefully things will improve.

I bet your DH is scared he's not going to get it up so is avoiding trying rather than failing. Poor bugger, I bet he's knackered.

My advice - cool it with the pressure, back off and try again in a few weeks. You have been together long enough to be able to work through this, surely?

trixie and ilocedaintynuts - you're right in that I'm aware the 'problem' is more mine than ours I suspect, and we will of course get through it - after 8 years it's not the biggest issue we will ever have to face and have faced I'm sure! My confidence is always rock bottom anyway. - I have to take a range of medication which causes massive weight gain as side effect so on permanent diet to not put more on, am about the same as pre-birth which is usually comfortable for me but at the moment is something I'm wondering about, tho not massIve by any stretch. C-sec scar is still very very sore so any exercise bar swimming tend to hurt massively. I have had a lot of abdo surgery so stomach muscles wrecked anyhow!!

Thanks anothermum - glad it's not just me, tho obv not glad you went through it! Distancing harder than knockbacks for me I think as all affection gone too :-(

Please don't blame yourself, I know it's easy to say, but I'm sure it has nothing to do with how you look/not desiring you, and everything to do with him. We have been through phases like this after having kids and it is a very normal thing, you're certainly not alone, and sounds like you are trying to address it. I love my dp and still really fancy him but sex drops right down when I'm feeling tired, as there always seems to be something else that needs doing, or sleep, and without time to sit and unwind together I sometimes find it hard to get in the mood. What really helps us is the odd weekend away, where we can relax, get some undisturbed sleep, and just enjoy each others company. Is there any way you could get a night away together? Take the pressure of sex away by suggesting its a shopping trip, to see a show, anything really as there's a reason to just enjoy time together.

Yeah I could (prob) live without sex but am a very very cuddly person so missing the closeness massively :-( and thankyou, both.

The last time things ... Err... Worked Properly was when we had a night away about 3 months ago, it was like being with a different man! Might see if I can get a weeknight away somewhere so he doesn't have to miss work (no AL left) and see if a friend can have DS - we're 450 miles away from all non-incapable family - tho was worried that might put more pressure on?

But if I can put something together like theatre that may work....

Horrible have you tried going to a physio/ pilates instructor about your tummy muscles? Might sound like an aside but I have had renal surgery recently and found this really helped. If you can find one who is qualified in both areas they might be able to help you recover this area of your body and thus feel better about yourself.

As someone who has had similar issues with my DP we found massage helped enormously. Lush Cosmetics Co do these massage bars which you rub between your hands and they melt. You can get all kind of flavours. Or use Nivea or something. We found this was a really nice thing to do for each other even if we weren't feeling sexy. It'd hit the closeness button.

If you do think he might have ED problems ask him about this directly and then drag him down the GP - apparently it can be a sign of incipient heart disease - a poster whose DH was a consultant cardiologist once told me that.

yonder I have thought about asking GP for physiotherapy referal - it shouldn't hurt so much after a year :-( Just signed up to yoga too so hoping it'll help. Massage may well help - feel a bit like he doesn't want to be near me at mo but he's not able to rationalise that really. As for ED problems think I'll broach that in a few days - had no idea it could be caused by physical health issues!