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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lost a shed load of weight husband still doesn't fancy me.

25 replies

fluffy123 · 11/12/2011 13:20

I have been thinking about posting this for a while. Following a conversation some months ago regarding our lack of sex life my husband admitted he didn't fancy me as over the years I had put on a lot of weight. I felt heartbroken but started a diet that evening and have lost loads of weight and now weigh more or less what I did when we got together over 16 years ago. There has been no change in the personal side of our relationship. He says he is not sure why but that it could be stress at work as can no longer use the weight excuse. He works long hours in a highly paid, highly stressful job. Another problem is he won't go out with me if it is just us , saying things like it is because I don't drink alcohol much. This has upset me as it would be lovely to go out on a 'date' wearing a size 12 dress. AIBU to be considering separating from him in the new year. Other aspects of our lives are good. We have no money worries , a nice home and amazing holidays. I am not showing of but trying to set the scene. My other plan is to hang onto the marriage until my youngest has grown up - he is now 12.

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 11/12/2011 13:24

I'm sorry to hear this - sounds like he just plucked an excuse from the air the first time around and, now that you've lost weight, he is looking for something else to blame.
Maybe you've just outgrown each other. I think you need to sit down and talk to him about what you do going forward and explain that, while it may work for him, you just can't stay in a love-less marriage.

OldGreyWassailTest · 11/12/2011 13:25

Just sounds to me as though your relationship is a bit 'tired'. It happens in most relationships, I think. But congrats on losing the weight that you wanted to.

nativitywreck · 11/12/2011 13:26

Have an affair. That'll cheer you up.

WhiteTrash · 11/12/2011 13:27

Seperating just for that? Isnt that a little premature? Im thinking you cant be that 'into' him or the marriage either if youre reading to chuck it in so easily.

How old is DH?

A highly stressful job can make anyones sexual desire take a hike. New mums are tired and stressed, they're always being told its understandable they dont want nooky. Why cant men suffer the same? They do!

Have you done anything to light up the bedroom (not literally-or maybe! Depends!) or had a weekend together just you two, alone? Etc etc

Earlybird · 11/12/2011 13:29

How long has it been since you/he have been happy with your sex life? How long have you been together? Are other areas of your relationship satisfactory (communication, etc)?

Interesting how you phrase your dilemma - it is your fault that your dh doesn't fancy you, or won't go out with you. And, based on your description, both of you seem to think it is down to your weight/your drinking/your fill-in-the-blank issue (he is happy to blame you, you seem to accept the blame).

Have you (or he) ever considered that the lack of intimacy might be his problem?

Whichever - it should be viewed (imo) as an issue you share jointly within your marriage. So, both should be making an effort to find a solution. Unless you both are happy to leave as is......for now.

Original poster

fluffy123 · 11/12/2011 13:33

Whitetrash I have lost 4 stone to make my marriage work, arranged nights out ( which he won't go on if is just us two) . Brought sexy clothes, grown my hair long. But it has to be a two way thing. Being in a sexless marriage feels like having a guilty seceret . Friends have said I bet your husband likes your new figure nudge nudge wink wink and I feel ashamed.

OP posts:

SeldomSeenCake · 11/12/2011 13:40

congrats on losing the weight

IMHO if your DH is plucking random excuses out of the air and blaming you for his lack of sex drive, he needs a kick up the arse. how dare he blame you! i have gained weight since meeting my DH and he still fancies me...if he decides he doesnt then bully for him! his issue not mine. If i decide to lose weight, i do it for ME and my health not for DH.

you need to sit your DH down and tell him you are not taking the blame for his issue and he needs to be honest with you and tell you what is really the cause of the issue. High levels of stress can lead to high BP and high BP can cause erectile dysfunction...maybe thats what is really happening and he is too ashamed to talk about it.

Original poster

fluffy123 · 11/12/2011 13:43

Seldom I didn't know that about the blood pressure . He does have to go to the doctors for extremely high blood pressure.

OP posts:

SeldomSeenCake · 11/12/2011 13:45

its something my mum told me my dad had an issue with a while back until the BP got under control again...it still makes me want to bleach my ears...

SeldomSeenCake · 11/12/2011 13:47

here is an article about it...

Earlybird · 11/12/2011 13:49

Some people think women put on weight if they feel unhappy/disconnected/unappreciated at home - it is one way of 'comfort eating'. Those feelings could also be a reason for drinking 'too much'.

Original poster

fluffy123 · 11/12/2011 13:57

I don't drink at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

fluffy123 · 11/12/2011 13:58

Thankyou seldom.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 11/12/2011 13:59

Oh sorry - i misread your OP.

runningwilde · 11/12/2011 14:00

I think you need to ask him to be really honest about things. You have done SO well and big big congratulations on that. If he doesn't give you the love and affection you need after asking him why and asking him what you both need to do to get to a loving stage then you deserve to find someone who will. X

MatLeaveForever · 11/12/2011 14:09

Do you love eachother? You haven't said if you love him...

springboksaplenty · 11/12/2011 14:17

Well done for losing the weight!

But... You dh needs to actually start putting some effort in too. I gained masses of weight during my pg which has taken ages to come off. My dh went out of his way to compliment me on the new plus sides to my, well, plus size. Your dh not only picked an excuse out of thin blue, but chose one designed to make you feel bad and put all the blame on you.

Absolutely a high stress job and not feeling particularly up for it are allowed in a marriage. But he needs to be actually honest and not try and maximise your hurt in the process.

Helltotheno · 11/12/2011 14:32

Sit the dh down and ask him what HE wants to do about the situation. Unless there's something you're not telling us and there are other problems, you've done your bit and it's down to him.
So have the conversation, then see where you're at in the New Year.

MrsPepperpotty · 11/12/2011 14:42

Am I right in saying that a crap sex life is the only issue in your marriage, and everything else is good? You mention that you have no money worries, but what about other aspects of your marriage - do you still get on well, make each other laugh, have fun with the DCs etc? If the sex life is the only problem, then I feel that is something you can work on - but I agree with other posters that you have tried hard and it's up to him to make an effort too.

Does he realise how serious a problem this is for you (ie that you are considering leaving him)?

EllenandBump · 11/12/2011 15:32

You do really need to talk to him. Have you considered (sorry for putting this in your head) that his lack of sex drive and long hours could be that he is actually having an affair? It does seem like he is all too happy to put the blame on you for the lack of intimacy and take no responsibility himself.

If you still love him then there is hope for you both AS LONG AS he feels the same, if not i am afraid that it is time to let it go and move on. It will be hard, but at least at the age of 12 and with an amicable split your child/ren will be able to understand and accept it.

WhiteTrash · 11/12/2011 15:34

Ok Fluffy I appologise for making that assumtion. I shouldnt have done.

HaveUrselfAFaithyChristmasBaby · 11/12/2011 16:49

I agree, well done for losing the weight. Rather than for him, think of the benefits to your health.
I would query if he has underlying health issues. If he is highly stressed, it could lead to a few different health issues that could cause decreased sex drive. I would suggest he needs checking out by the GP. My DH had high stress levels and low sex drive. After some investigations, it turns out he has problems with his pituitary gland. Treatable but has caused a few issues while we got the diagnosis. He said he still found me attractive but didn't feel like having sex. I would try to establish if it's really you or if it's his sex drive and push for a GP to investigate bloods like thyroid and prolactin.
Don't give up just yet. Hth.

Original poster

fluffy123 · 11/12/2011 18:23

Thankyou everyone for responding, It isn't something I can talk to my friends about. We do get on well in other areas of life . Not in a brother/ sister way but in a good team way . I would obviously like it to be in a husband/wife way. I think we do need a chat and like some of you have said the new year is a good time to do this. If the relationship carries on like this then I need to make a decision of staying in a celibate marriage(which I find sad) for the sake of the children and the good things we have going for us. Or moving on and perhaps find happiness with someone else.

OP posts:

JosieZ · 11/12/2011 18:48

Maybe things are a bit boring between you.

Perhaps you could take up new hobby. Apply for jobs. Have a makeover, and he might see you in a different ligtht.

On the other hand it might be him who has a low libido.How old is he? My DH has recently discovered daily dose Cyalis. It promises to make his sex drive as it was in his younger days (he is 63).

Wow it definitely works and he has no trouble finding saggy old me alluring!

PessimisticMissPiggy · 11/12/2011 23:40

It sounds like he's got out Of the habit?! Sometimes when me and DH haven't had sex for a while he takes a bit of warming up! The more sex you have the more you want it. I have you thought about trying to put a bit of spice back into things or are you trying to make it happen by appointment?

Flip