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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish that i could enjoy all of motherhood?

23 replies

toptramp · 11/12/2011 10:04

I love my dd. She is 3 but at the moment I am not enjoying motherhood 100% and really miss my old life. This is not the first time I have posted on this.

I love; Christmas and doing the Santa thing for her, going on days out with her, chasing and tickling with her when I'm in the mood. Watching her enjoy herself or learning new things, meeting up with my fab mummy mates and bedtime

I don't enjoy; never having time to myself and not being able to sit down and enjoy a good book, the cleaning and washing, lack of spontaeity, having to go to the loo with her every single time, her relentless demands, the lack of lie ins, the fact I have to pay £6 an hour for a sitter whenever I go out. I feel so sad that I don't enjoy all of it and feel irritated and resentful a lot of the time.

I am a single mum and the emotional impact of that has affected me and I work which I absolutely love. I prefer it to childcare. [guilty]

OP posts:

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 11/12/2011 10:06

YANBU to wish it but YWBBU (you would be being unreasonable) if you expected it.

I'm in the same boat as you except my DD is now 4. It gets easier...

tammygirl · 11/12/2011 10:16

I do guilt really well, too. It's rare that I get through the day without feeling irritated by children's demands (which are not unreasonable for their ages).

I don't think any mum truly enjoys the drudgery side of stuff, but tries to do enough nice things to keep it balanced.

In another thread you said you'd lost your mum recently (so sorry, i feel for you), maybe this is affecting how you feel at the moment? x

Original poster

toptramp · 11/12/2011 10:24

The trouble is I don't really enjoy baking and crafts with her either due to mess even though I love doing baking and crafts for myself. I would rather read a good book than play with dd a lot of the time. I do enjoy playing sometimes; just not 24/7. grrrrrrr. And if I see Mary Poppins one more time I am going to scream; I used to love that film! Having said that i have to see the funny side of it!

OP posts:

fatfingers · 11/12/2011 10:28

But do you really enjoy 100% of anything? I enjoy work but there are certain aspects of it that I find boring and some that I positively dread. I enjoy going out with friends but not 100% because I hate choosing what to wear, get stressed out getting ready, etc. I don't think motherhood is any different. I love certain aspects of it and find others boring. I don't think there is anything wrong with that unless you are more miserable than you are happy IYSWIM.

tammygirl · 11/12/2011 10:31

I get sick of being the ugly sister. It wouldn't be so bad if i was allowed to be cinderella once in a while, but not a chance.

I don't know that baking and craft are enjoyable as such, more endurable for the delight factor for them. I do quite a lot of sneaky baking when they're in bed.

I also think that 1:1 is a pretty intense family set up. I notice friends in this situation struggle as there's no one to dilute the intensity.

Did you have a long day yesterday?

fatfingers · 11/12/2011 10:34

There is also nothing wrong with going to work and letting someone else do the messy play if that is not your strong point imo. You might find that you enjoy activities more as she gets older. Find things that you like doing during your time at home e.g. going to the park, reading to dc, colouring, jigsaws, visiting friends so dc can play together and let them do the other stuff in childcare.

callmemrs · 11/12/2011 11:02

Fatfingers- agree 100% with your posts. I think its very harmful when 'motherhood' is paraded as some kind of entity which some people are 'good' at and enjoy every minute of, while others are somehow lacking.

A better way to look at it is that you are still the same person you always were, with your own interests,'strengths, weaknesses etc . Its illogical to expect anyone to completely change when they become a parent. The difference is that you now share your life with this little person.

Look at it this way. Your dd does not love you because you play barbies with her or bake cupcakes or take her to endless playgroups. She loves you because you're her mum, with your own personality and interests and because you are YOU.

Certain aspects of parenting ARE a grind. When you read the same story for the umpteenth time or you are accompanying a toddler to the loo again, or getting up in' the night again, it's not madly exciting or stimulating.

Just don't fall into the trap of thinking you must try harder all the time, or that if you do xyz your child will be happier. As long as your child is fed,'clothed, loved and stimulated she will be fine.

NinkyNonker · 11/12/2011 13:09

I think there are ups and downs to everything, this is normal.

blackeyedsanta · 11/12/2011 13:30

I don't think it would be normal to enjoy getting up in the night to mop up vomit and wash out the sheets the next day, or clean up diarrhoea.

repeated washing/washingup/other monotonous jobs are not thrilling either.

I think you have to enjoy the good bits and put up with the not so good bits. it is harder having to do everything though because there ios noone else to share the load. ok so there is less washing up and washing when there is just one parent around, but you can never have a break from it ithout it still being there and worse the next day. and there is no-one to swap jobs with, it is all of it all the bloody time. I have to keep tellin gmyself to pace myself as I might have to keep this up for another 15 years and there is no point wearing myself out on the first lap.

nativitywreck · 11/12/2011 13:35

I get you OP. Iam also a lone parent of one, and the sameyness and drudgery can get you down.
Don't beat yourself up! It's a lonely, often boring business. My ds is five, and it does get better and better imo, now he is more independent.

The thing is, I am not great at a lot of "mother" stuff.
I forget dentist appointments, don't brush his hair enough, burn the tea because I get distracted by something on the radio, and if I have actually told ds that I just can't play "Cars" anymore because I am no good at it, and he has to do that with his friends!

However, as I am a LP, and therefore Mum and Dad, I realised that I am a pretty good Dad.
I am ace at rough play, chase and tickle, building spaceships, lego, kicking a football in the park, teaching him to ride a bike. All that classic Dad stuff, I can do in spades.

Also, it's great that you love your job-you are being a good role model for your dd.

We all have our strong points and weak points, and none of us have to do everything.
You are already doing double duty, so give yourself a pat on the back.

WhiteTrash · 11/12/2011 13:37

It gets easier!

CailinDana · 11/12/2011 13:44

Does anybody in the world really 100% enjoy being a parent?? I think someone would need to be a bit deranged to actually like wiping a shitty bum or putting on the 4,000th wash of the week. I come from Ireland where I think there is much less pressure to be perfect as a parent. It surprised me when I moved here and discovered there was such thing as "baby sensory" and other pointless classes which a lot of my mum friends felt compelled to go to despite the fact their babies clearly weren't interested and they found them incredibly dull. In Ireland the attitude is more that if the child goes to bed fed, safe and without injuries you've done a good job. There's no expectation that you'll spend 24/7 playing with them or entertaining them - that's what other children, toys and a bit of tv is for. Of course it's good to play with children now and again if they want it and you are up to it but IME children only like a little bit of input from adults now and again, not a constant stream of interference and begrudging attention. My DS (11 months) will interact with me now and again and likes a smile and bit of encouragement but for the most part is happier playing on his own or around other children. I'm sure as he gets older he'll want more focused playing but again I don't think I'll ever feel obliged to play with him all day every day. What time I do spend with him, I enjoy, as I'm not forcing it.

It must be very hard to do everything without help so I can understand that you're feeling worn out. Is there any chance of getting a break any time soon to help recharge the batteries?

hermioneweasley · 11/12/2011 13:52

TT, sounds like you're doing pretty well to me! I would say I feel the same, but I am lucky that my partner is a SAHM. If I had to be a primary carer, let alone a single mum, I wouldn't be doing half as well as you. Give yourself a break and permission to not be perfect.

callmemrs · 11/12/2011 13:55

Absolutely true that many people tend to be 'better' at certain phases of parenting too. I remember feeling a tad intimidated by a friend who had her first dc same time as me. She seemed to love every second of those very early years, never tired of play dough, finger painting, always cooked home made meals etc. However, as her children grew older I felt she really got it wrong at times-'she was one of those intense people who would micromanage every bit of homework etc and I think her kids found that hard. Our eldest dcs learned to drive recently, and she seemed to transfer a lot of anxiety onto her dc, whereas I quite surprised myself by being remarkably chilled about practising with my eldest. So even if you don't feel naturally tuned in to a certain stage of childhood, your time may come later on.

valiumredhead · 11/12/2011 13:55

No one enjoys something all of the time it's just not realistic. What you talk about is totally normal. Show me someone who says they enjoy motherhood 100% of the time and I will show you a liar

Hardgoing · 11/12/2011 14:01

I think expecting to enjoy 100 percent of life with a child is simply unrealistic. Moments of happiness are much more realistic. I never play toy cars with my children as I don't enjoy it, but I do listen to their tales of school and enjoy cuddles on the sofa. Do more of the bits you enjoy, try to ditch some of the less fun bits, though, I think there are too many mummy martyrs around doing really unfun stuff with their children, and chores are just that, chores (that's why they are not called 'funs')

stubbornstains · 11/12/2011 14:04

Oooh, I so needed to find this thread today! Having a low day- exhausted, depressed, it's raining......I've got a stall at a Christmas market this weekend, but a friend's running it because I have to look after DS (lone parent). I've just heard I sold nothing yesterday, but I'd still rather be there because it's more relaxing than looking after a nearly-2-year-old. I have just refused point blank to play with his silly sodding plastic motorbike....I don't know, I found the baby phase a breeze, but now he's a toddler I feel close to screaming.....aaarrrghhhh.....

LaDiDaDi · 11/12/2011 14:10

No one likes and is good at all of it imo.

I love, love, love little tiny babies, I'm not very good at toddlers, I really enjoy dd (5) at her age and I think I will be ok until she gets a bit more tweenagery which I don't think I will be good at!! I can see the same pattern with ds (2).

Pandemoniaa · 11/12/2011 14:15

Never, ever, assume that you are supposed to enjoy 100% of motherhood. That's an impossible expectation! I brought up ds1 & 2 pretty much single-handed and certainly, there were times when it would have been much easier to have another adult around - even if this just gave me the space to walk the dog somewhere away from squabbling siblings.

I strongly agree with CailinDana though. Enjoy what you enjoy doing with your child. Don't beat yourself up when the whole motherhood business gets tiring, messy and downright boring. Oh, and at the most difficult times, always remember the MN mantra "This too will pass".

Bramshott · 11/12/2011 14:19

Baking and crafts with a 3 yr old is the work of the devil ! Now that DD1 is nearly 9 it is almost fun, although it still makes me twitch!

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 22:26

I rarely do messy play with DS1 (3.5), that is why he goes to preschool.

We read, do jigsaws, have tickle fights, pretend to be Octonauts or whoever but I would rather eat my own arm than sit and do Playdough with him!

Lots of bits of parenting are boring, DS1 still isn't completely dry during the day and I am on constant alert about him going to the loo, it is frankly exhausting and I loathe it.
Slow mealtimes are another thing that drive me nuts.

Don't beat yourself up about not enjoying it all, I don't know anyone who does.

stubbornstains · 12/12/2011 13:18

Oh yeah, slow mealtimes.....I know you're supposed to eat with them so that they get to know how to behave at mealtimes, but I'm afraid that at every meal apart from breakfast I just plonk his bowl in front of him and wander around doing stuff while he decides whether or not to eat every individual pea....

naturalbaby · 12/12/2011 13:45

Nobody can enjoy 100% of anything. She'll start school next year won't she? Then what?

I have 3 so have a few more years to go before I can think about getting a proper job (and even if it's my dream job I know I'll struggle and miss being at home) and some proper time to myself and as much as I can't wait for it, I will be desperately sad.

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