Christmas gifts dilema

[Alexandra88]

I'd appreciate advice on the following topic. I'm new to the forum so please forgive any mistakes I might make. I was hoping for your advice or suggestions re the following problem (there's no-one else with whom I can discuss this) - I have been with my partner for nearly 8 years now. Every Christmas his parents give me really awful presents. They are really cheap and embarrassing. One year I was given a bath product that cost £3. I know this because I'd bought the same product for myself not long before. I have always tried to give them nice gifts; gift vouchers, books, DVDs, etc - all things that were on their Christmas lists. They have more money than I have so could afford more than £3 !!
I know you don't give to receive and it's the thought that counts, I know that, I know but it doesn't stop me feeling embarrassed, upset and annoyed. I invariably have to open the gift in front of my own mother and I can see her puzzlement and I'm sure she sees my embarrassment. I wish they'd just not bother giving me anything if they're going to insult me. By contrast my own parents are very good to my partner.
I have never received a birthday gift from them, even for my 30th. I gave them presents for their 'big' birthdays. I get an e-card, if I'm lucky.
I don't want to say anything to my partner as he is very good to me and I keep trying to say to myself it's his parents, I love him and so I'll give the best I can to them but it seems to be a one way street. It's not that they don't like me, they do but....
As yet another Christmas approaches what should I do?

Thanks for your input and sorry you're lost!!

Thanks everyone for your advice.

Some people are fabulous present givers. Others are shyte.

I've always tried hard to laugh off the more ludicrous offerings from the shyte present givers because actually, in the greater scheme of things, it doesn't matter.

However, I do feel some of your pain because my former PIL seemed so determined to buy me inappropriate presents that I suspected it could not be accidental. Amongst their worst examples were cheap household items - think hard boiled egg slicer or truly vile items of clothing that bore no resemblance to anything they had ever seen me wear in the 9 years I'd been with their son. The truly terrifying red nylon blouse with a bow neckline topping the List of Horrors.

I wonder if your DP's parents think that, in some perverse way, your relationship is more casual than it is? Because my PILS were very odd about this sort of thing too and did not take relationships seriously unless very public statements of commitment had been made. To them this meant engagement or living together.

PS. Just out of interest, why do you feel compelled to open their presents in front of your mother?

Im not lost at all >sarcasm< you attach monetary value to gifts. MIL buys you something you buy for your self and you are insulted. Well Me'thinks you need to grow up a bit if you equate money with liking I'll give the best I can to them but it seems to be a one way street. It's not that they don't like me, they do but....

Hang on a second though, OP - they have Christmas lists???

What's on them?

And I agree with you - it is really embarrassing if they are buying you really cheap presents when they can afford more. They've been happily accepting more expensive presents for seven years. This should be the year you change things, in my opinion.

hard boiled egg slicer

a gadget? a kitchen gadget? see I'd love that! 99p and brilliant!

Maybe they are all together at the time, Pandemonia?

It was very useful, troigarcons and rather backfired on 'em to be honest since I greeted it with genuine enthusiasm!

Yeh, we are all together at the time, which doesn't help. Can't get round that unfortunately.

Now, now Troisgarcons - you started with saying I'm shallow - you're entitled to your opinion, as am I - I asked for advice - some of it obviously more useful than others.
No further advice from you meets with my approval, thanks.
We're supposed to be civil on this forum - calling people names isn't very grown up. Away to your bed.

Do they buy rubbish gifts or just cheap ones?

We don't tend to spend a lot on Christmas presents, but try to buy something nice. For example nice handcream or fancy coffee. Rather than tat.

It sounds like they don't spend a lot on anybody, so why don't you follow their lead and spend a similar budget to them, maybe just some nice chocolates? So that way you won't feel put out if you feel you've spent more?

Agree with KD0706 - I realise that you are a more thoughtful present giver but it wouldn't be unreasonable to match the outlay, perhaps. So still give them nice stuff but not such expensively nice stuff.

You're not alone! I am looking forward to another year of opening mini Dove shower gel collections and a tinsly scarf from PIL. It's annoying when my parents go to such lengths to buy thoughtful presents for myself and DH.

BUT .. they are the same with everyone! They don't think they are being mean and they don't shop where I do. DH got a tenner Wilco voucher last year. I came to the conclusion we were being far too generous and this year PIL will be receiving Asda vouchers. This is actually their dream gift!!!

Agree with others that you can't take it personally, but I would cut your budget. If they are not into quality, they may not realise the difference between a cheap and a pricey version, so I wouldn't waste your money. I hope that doesn't sound snobby. It would be like someone buying me a 50pound bottle of wine - I am used to drinking 7pound ones and can't imagine anything nicer, so it would probably be wasted on me.

I should imagine the problem with the bubble bath was that it was standard stuff you'd chuck in the trolley at Asda. Harld thoughtful gift material.

I also use bog roll on a daily basis as part of my hygiene routine but I'd hardly be delighted if someone wrapped a pack of Andrex up and stuck it under the tree for me.....

You all open gifts together ! YES!
Get her crotchless knickers and him a nice set of nipple clamps
Then buy other gifts and mix the "Special" presents in (unlabelled)
mwahahahahahahahah!

Honestly... you shouldn't be winding yourself up about this. As far as the housewarming gift goes - a lot of people don't bother with this. I have never had a housewarming gift and I have never given one. So don't judge them on this.

Them not bothering with your birthday can be perfectly normal to them. Do not judge them by your family's traditions. It is very difficult when 2 families come together but it sounds like a major breakdown in communication.

My DP is the most wonderful and considerate man I have ever met but he has yet to buy me a birthday or Christmas present. In his family these pass with no thought given to them. New Year however is a massive family event for them and to me it would be better if it was just me and him.

If they just feel Christmas should be done with token gifts all round then you have no reason to be insulted. If it is token gifts only to those that aren't related by blood then again you have no right to be insulted - smile and thank them. If they get other ILs decent presents and you token gifts then perhaps you have a reason to be insulted but YAstillBU to pull them on it. Smile and thank them but leave the gift buying for his family to him! That is what I have done. That is why all my family have a present and his family don't have any. They probably won't bother either as they haven't in the past but I hope they do remember my DD as it is her first Christmas.

Thanks KD0706 (and some others). The gifts are tacky and cheap. Bath products you'd buy for yourself, i.e. the kind you buy with the weekly shop, not the fancy kind you get/give as gifts. I'd appreciate the nice handcream, coffee, tights even, something useful yet still appropriate as a gift. It's not all down to the money as some folk seem to think. They know me well enough by now, or should do to know that I'd appreciate something like that. If they don't they could ask my partner.

Our first Christmas together I gave them an M&S voucher as I didn't know what to get them, nor did I know what the boundaries, expectations were. I should perhaps have 'downsized' the gift the next year but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. My fault I didn't 'downsize' and I've let this fester for way too long.

Xmasbaby11
thepeoplesprincess
SarahLundsredJumper
1Catherine1

Thanks guys that's much appreciated advice. You're right. I do need to think again re the budget, let it go and just accept that's the way they are.

I have never done that BTW but hope it made you laugh !

I would either buy them a small token gift or not bother and leave it to DP.

Alexandra, I have known my MIl for nearly 35 years and have been married to Dh=H for almost 30 years. She still 'never knows what to buy me'. It would never occur to her to ask DH for ideas ( and he could give her many, not expensive - from around £5 up to £10). Nowadays, she buys me the same perfume every year because, as she says, it's cheap! Ironically, it costs more than any of the ideas that DH could pass on! As for my birthday, well, she always manages to forget that. Even though it's the same day as another IL who she does manage to remember!

I used to be very hurt when we were at a family gathering over Christmas and we would be opening gifts together. So many times I saw other DILs given really expensive and thoughtful gifts. I would open mine and find a cheap mascara or a lipstick that had been given away free with a women's magazine. It's not the cost, it's the lack of thought and the fact that it is so public that hurts. Or used to. These days DH and I laugh about it. And for the last couple of years he has asked her not to buy us gifts, but has said that we are saving up for a new household appliance or a few days away and has asked her to give us what she would have spent towards those instead. She is happy with that as it means she doesn't have to waste any time thinking about what to get us! And we appreciate the cash towards our weekend away, especially as we haven't been able to afford to have a proper holiday for the past few years.

The only year I ever gave her anything from me, was the first Christmas I knew DH. After that, because we were saving for a house and our wedding, we used to 'pool' our money and buy all family gifts, his and mine, from the both of us. They got better gifts than if we had bought something from him and something from me but it didn't cost us quite as much.

There is another thread where someone is really upset because her ILs buy them very nice gifts that she thinks they are too expensive!

One person's shite gift can be anothe person's Very Merry Christmas. I would love the Dove mini sets and tinsely scarf someone was complaining about. For all you know they are grumbling about you wasting money on over extravagant presents. Token gift and a big smiley thanks very much this year.

I used to have this from the ex ILs. Ex would be opening five or six parcels, I would have a small bottle of handcream from their present drawer ( I know this because MIL used to bulk buy all the same and told me all about it). I couldn't have given two hoots about the presents but it was a very pointed way of putting me in my place. I also once had the free gift from the Boots no7 offer, with the samples half used .

Rise above. Thank them gushingly for being so generous and thoughtful. It'll kill them.

Thanks for all your advice re my dilema. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I appreciate (some more than others!!) you all taking the time to post.
Decision has been made and decisive action has been taken. I'm just back from M&S - they're getting an M&S voucher between them (they'll be able to get a nice Dine In meal with it) and a box of biscuits (on special). Sorted!!
I don't need to spend any more time thinking re this or letting it annoy or upset me. They may not be up to my standards when it comes to gifts (and I'm not being snobby about that, my opinion) but they did produce a wonderful son that I love very much. He's good to me (in all ways) and I'm good to him and that's all that matters in the end.
P.S. SarahLundsredJumper - yes, your suggestion did make me laugh. Can just imagine her face - oo-er!!