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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this remark? I expect an unanimous yanbu to this please!

32 replies

GypsyMoth · 10/12/2011 14:59

conversation with my dad about dd uni plans.... All a bit up in the air as she has to complete her A levels to gain correct grades for her course, then there's a bit of worry cos the uni isn't the best and again as there are no halls. All small niggles which can be overcome... I was just explaining..... His comment?

'' so she has no plans to marry?'' no.she has no boyfriend! He knows this. She wants a career.

He did this to me 25 years ago. I wanted to stay at 6th form, then perhaps uni. My brother was encouraged, I actively wasn't!

I'm Sad for dd that be still holds this opinion. Aibu to have it out with him and tell him he is wrong to assume girls should just marry?

OP posts:
SanTEEClaus · 10/12/2011 15:01

YANBU. And should have said 'And what does that have to do with going to Uni? Are they mutually exclusive? Does she have to get married? What if she's gay?'

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 10/12/2011 15:02

YABU to even bother asking when you know the answer...

valiumredhead · 10/12/2011 15:03

Can't she have a career and be married/in a relationship? Just ignore him - if he was doing this 25 years ago he's unlikely to change now tbh. Smile and nod, smile and nod...

Sirzy · 10/12/2011 15:04

If he has had the views for so long I doubt you will change his opinions no matter what you say. No harm trying if it has really upset you but then again if its likely to cause an argument may be easier to just nod and smile.

Its very much a generational thing - that thankfully seems to be dying out - that woman should stay at home and raise the family while the men have the careers. The best way to show him as wrong is to give your DD all the help and support she needs to reach her goal and show him how happy she is!

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2011 15:04

I think you're making too much of it.

He's your DD's Grandfather. If he were her Dad I'd say yes, drum it home to him.

But under the circumstances, you should have raised it with him at the time.

He had control over your life 25 years ago but he has no control over your DD's.

Therefore, trying to change the way he thinks may be futile and simply cause bad feelings.

ItsSnowDarling · 10/12/2011 15:04

YANBU - plenty of time to get married later if she wants to.

BluddyMoFo · 10/12/2011 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GypsyMoth · 10/12/2011 15:05

Oh yes I know the answer!! In my world.... But MN being MN ... Well, this place does have odd views sometimes!!

OP posts:
MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 10/12/2011 15:06

Then live in your world, not the MN world... Confused

Original poster
GypsyMoth · 10/12/2011 15:07

So I would be unreasonable to try and re educate? 25 years ago I left home then did my education again my own way.

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 10/12/2011 15:08

Its such a cartoonishly outdated opinion to have its hard to feel anything but mild amusement. Understand it must be harder when its your father talking about your daughter.

He clearly has no frigging clue about the world as it is now. Young women have many, many hurdles ahead of them - but the old Marriage Vs Career decision isnt one of them!

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2011 15:09

Well he's your Dad...we don't know him. If you think it's worth trying to re-educate him then give it a bash.

If not leave it, safe in the knowledge that it's not going to affect your DD

Original poster
GypsyMoth · 10/12/2011 15:12

Dd has no dad so I guess he is. , from a distance, a role model. I actually thought he had dragged himself into this century . This remark was a bit if a shock, and I don't want him repeating it here when he visits in 2 weeks. He doesn't live local.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 10/12/2011 15:16

Blimey, you should hear the crap that comes out of my PIL's mouths - I wouldn't waste my breath trying to re educate them. They are lovely people and I love them dearly though - I just accept them for what they are - very out dated in their views.

Dozer · 10/12/2011 15:22

Yanbu, obviously, but your own "niggles" sound pretty major to me, why go to a "not the best" uni and get into a load of debt?

chocablock · 10/12/2011 15:24

YANBU in disagreeing with him but YABU in your overreaction to his remark. So what if he mentions it when he visits in 2 weeks? Many men of his generation have the same ideas - who knows maybe life was easier for women when we could just get married and not worry about a career!! But you and dd know that she can go to uni and still get married and have kids in the future. So just smile and nod, it's not worth arguing about.

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2011 15:26

Dd has no dad so I guess he is. , from a distance, a role model. I actually thought he had dragged himself into this century . This remark was a bit if a shock, and I don't want him repeating it here when he visits in 2 weeks. He doesn't live local

But she's not 5yrs old is she?

Surely you cant bubble wrap her from other people's opinions.

Part of growing up is learning everyone thinks differently and making your own mind up about that.

valiumredhead · 10/12/2011 15:28

That's exactly what I tell ds when we visit the GP's worra - people are different and have different views.

HecklerNotKoch · 10/12/2011 15:29

he is entitled to hold a view about anything

whether you get aeriated about it is entirely down to you. You will lose out if you do cos he wont be the one fretting

gallicgirl · 10/12/2011 15:35

Did you laugh out loud because I would have? Once I'd got over the confusion of trying to work out what he meant, that is.

So what if he repeats it? I'm sure your DD is intelligent enough to tell him what's what and it might have more impact coming from her.

QueenOfMuppets · 10/12/2011 15:37

YAdefinitelyNBU to fully support your daughter in her aims to go to uni and have a career but YAB a bit U to talk about 'having it out with him'. Continue to stick up for your daughter but he probably won't change, is it really worth the risk of creating a rift??

my nan was just like this; never understood why education was more important to my younger self than boys and babies... I was even asked if I had a girlfriend one year on the basis of my continued negative responses to "have you got a boyfriend YET?"! My mum and dad were just told off for encouraging me when they suggested that they were happy for me to be studying and not just chasing boys!! My Nan never changed, and was never going to change. Even when I had a boyfriend the pestering just switched to marriage and/or babies...

However, it did become a family joke, and something we still laugh about now that she has gone. I learned to brush it off, make a joke of it (used to take bets on how I long I had between walking through the door and being asked about my love life!) and not let it bother me. I also grew up with a good understanding that different people have different priorities in life and that there's no changing all of them!!

I now have an established career, the most wonderfully supportive DH I could possibly have asked for, and am expecting 1st DC.... so you can have it both ways- it just takes a little bit longer!! and my nan didn't manage to put me off either :)

Original poster
GypsyMoth · 10/12/2011 15:39

The uni.... Have taken advice from education board that tho it's near bottom of league tables, it means little in terms of degree she will come out with. It ticks the boxes in many other ways.

Glad to hear others have similiar! So many threads ATM with people refusing to visit in laws over Xmas due to their views, good to know many just smile through it and ignore

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 10/12/2011 15:42

Oooh he would have loved me! As a teenager I wanted to "marry a rich man" Grin

Thankfully my ideas have changed... (not least because dp is anything but rich)

YANBU of course

JeremyVile · 10/12/2011 15:43

I do think you should pull him up on it if
A) you would feel better for it and/or B) He says it in front of dd. I'm sure she would shrug off the comment as Old Man Nonsense, but cant hurt for her to hear another person tell him that he's being ridiculous to think this is how the world still works.

Feminine · 10/12/2011 15:44

Don't worry.

even if he tells her his opinion ...how much notice do you think your DD will take of him?

I have relatives that take a peculiar stance on things ...I just laugh (in my head) Wink

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