Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think a parent or guardian should attend hospital appointments - long I'm afraid

14 replies

MildlyMiserable · 10/12/2011 10:17

Introduction: joined a while ago, dipped in and out, lurked a bit, nerdy about posting, but here goes!

Background: short relationship, unplanned pregnancy, gave it a go, split, all ok, became unworkable, court battle for access, ExP told a lot of lies that were believed, agreed on access, permitted parental responsibility.

Ds attends hospital 2/3 times per year, I generally take him, though decided if it is ExP's contact day he should (I was having to take time off work), he has only done one appt in 4 years prior to this week.

Ds had appt on Weds, told ExP 3 weeks ago, emailed appt letter, forwarded reminder text, asked if all were received and arranged with school and ExP that DS would be collected at 1pm. All fine. Called ( just to make sure all ok) at 12.30 on the day in question to find ExP still at work, decided not to inform me that he was sending his Mother, (who speaks limited English) and his brother (see Ds about 3/4 times a year and has no clue of his medical history). Must say I flipped my lid, told ExP this was his responsibility, disgusted he is not prepared to lose half a days pay for his child's well being, told me IWBU, replied that he wanted PR - well this appointment was exactly what PR entails. Made him call his mother and brother and tell them to leave Ds at school. Thankfully have an understanding boss, let me take half day and dealt with appt myself, as I am part-time employ I feel the need to make up the time which is a pressure I could do without.

Sorry so long winded, still fuming 2 days on. AIBU?

OP posts:
Melindaaa · 10/12/2011 10:19

Yabu. He is the father, it's his access time, so his choice.

Might not be what you would do, but that's what co-parenting is about.

WhoopsyLa · 10/12/2011 10:21

YANBU....especially if your DS is young...

WTFlike · 10/12/2011 10:22

YANBU

So there was going to be no one with him who would understand the consultation/advice/medication? Daft.

littlemisssarcastic · 10/12/2011 10:23

YANBU.

MrsSleepy · 10/12/2011 10:24

YANBU

squeakytoy · 10/12/2011 10:27

YANBU but as the person who does the main caring, I would have thought it better if you attended the appointment and spoke to the medical professionals, as you are the one with the "history" and would know what questions to ask perhaps.

TheRepublicOfDreams · 10/12/2011 10:28

Yanbu

camilla2010 · 10/12/2011 10:29

YADNBU He should definitely take his fair share of appts and has not done any!!

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2011 10:34

YANBU

But having said that I wouldn't have felt comfortable with his Dad taking him anyway if you are the main carer.

My reason being, you may not feel comfortable with any decisions he and the medical staff make together...and I wouldn't want the medical information to come second hand my ex if we didn't particularly get on too well.

In an ideal world he should have taken your DS if he had agreed to it...but it's not an ideal world and I think you two need to remember there is a sick child in the middle of all this.

IDontDoIroning · 10/12/2011 10:36

In general if he has pr then he can delegate responsibility to other people for certain matters so if it was a general issue then it would be U.

However having had dc with minor health issues it's vital that a child (especially if they are young or may not understand issues) is accompanied by a parent or someone who knows them well and can understand the medical issues, discuss medical history with hcp, and possibly agree treatment. In this case YU definately NBU as the people he was delegating this matter to do not fulfills this criteria.

My dc recently had surgery so had to undertake a pre op assessment , i took the time off work myself as to be honest I wouldn't have sent him with his df who lives with us as he is very hands off with their illnesses etc so probably wouldn't have been able to answer the medical history stuff.
I know people will say that's infantilising fathers but when it's my child's health and wrong or missing information could have a potential impact on treatments then I couldn't care less as my child's the priority. Its crap on you of course as the vast majority of the burden for this falls on you, but he has to take some responsibility and shouldn't take on these matters if he isn't prepared to fulfill them properly.

MildlyMiserable · 10/12/2011 10:45

Although ExP has not attended appts he has been fully updated on consultation, changes and results.

Had I been informed he would be unable to attend
I would have been peed off but made arrangements to take time off, at no point did he say he would not be going, just "yep, all ok".

Thankful that I did attend as an info form for school/doctors/allergies etc needed completing, ExP mother and brother would not know this info, nor do they have my contact number to find them out.

OP posts:
MildlyMiserable · 10/12/2011 10:57

IDontDoIroning that's why I have always attended previous appts, problem is Ds also upset as ExP told HIM he would be taking him. He's 8 and was majorly disappointed when ExP's mother and brother turned up instead of Dad.
Melindaa I understand his access time so can parent as he sees fit, which is why I don't say anything when he works throughout the holidays that he has with my Ds and leaves him with his mother - his choice how much time he spends with him. My point with this matter was responsibility, if he can't do something, he should say so - I do.

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 10/12/2011 11:06

YANBU however personally I wouldn't send dh to our dc's appointments on his own because he wouldn't have a clue. It's different for us though as we are a couple and I don't work. DH took ds2 to an eye appointment once but that was one of those no change see you in 6 months things. I was in early labour so I was pacing up and down in the waiting room with the tens machine.

MildlyMiserable · 10/12/2011 11:37

Thanks all for varied opinions, will be dealing with all future appts to save any more lid flipping :)

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread