to not want to apologise for being mad at the world?

[Chooqueen]

so, I'm new on here so forgive me if I've posted this in the wrong place. My MC story isn't unusual I know but I'm old (43) I got pregnant naturally last year and had to have a D&C at 8 weeks following a blighted ovum. Having opted for DE IVF this year (no joy in between times with my ever dwindling egg supply) have lurched from the joy of a positive test to the heartbreak of no heartbeat 5 weeks later. At first I felt like an utter failure that I couldn't even keep a donor's egg alive but now, I just feel utterly, utterly miserable. What's worse is that I'm having to put a brave face on things, more it seems, to save the feelings of others than because it's how I feel.

My DP, being the practical sort, has already put it behind him and is already focused on "let's try again" and can't understand that I'm not even sure I have the strength to try again, three miscarriages would be too much. What's more he's not shown much sensitivity lately which has really p*ed me off - in the throes of MC he told me, in full Disney mode, not to show that I was upset as his DD was with us and couldn't know that I was losing the baby we hadn't told her was coming... Even worse, he's ready to DTD and I can tell, is feeling rejected that I'm not - largely because the MC isn't over. The advice to go for Cytotec rather D&C has turned out be pants - I'll find out on Monday whether a D&C will be necessary after all.

I feel like I'm surrounded by people having babies or with them, not just on the TV but close to home and I can't bloody well stand it. My DP's ex is coming to host DSD's birthday party at our house tomorrow, which would, in normal circumstances, be fine save for the fact that she'll be coming with her 4 month old latched to her hip - she's the same age as me and is the living embodiment of everything I don't have. My DP thinks that calling me "mum" to his DD (who I adore) is enough but it isn't she isn't and will never be mine, I just get the part-time gig. It all feels so bloody well unfair and I can't see a time when I won't think that! Maybe I'll feel differently in time but until that happens why should I have to hide how I feel?

Oh I am so sorry you're feeling so sad....but I really think you need to put this in a diferent section...there's a very supportive area here for those who are struggling trying to concieve...this section is notoriously mean....I will link you to the best bit for you..in a mo...

You sound like you are still badly grieving for your loss and so might find this section supportive. I hope you manage to get through the party ok.

I really do feel for you, but please let your DP in a bit more about what you're going though.

You're definately not a failure in any sense of the word, and having two MCs doesn't mean you're any more likely to have another one, although I can understand if it's just having the strength to try again.

You don't say how old your DSD is, but if she's young, I would have to agree with your DH that it would be something I would probably try and shield her from.

Could he be trying to support you and actually feels much more than he's put into words yet?

Be kind to yourself and take your time to get your head round it.

And 43 isn't old

I feel for you. My wife and I both felt this way after 3 failed IVF's. We finally opted to adopt. Somewhat fortunately the process took 2 1/2 years which gave us enough time to come to grips with it and stop hating the world. During that time we also saw "everyone" having babies and barely coped.

Our 2yo boy has been with us about 7 months now. We've finally settled in to parenting and he really feels like "ours" now. Sure, we sometimes get a bit sad that it didn't work out the way we planned but our boy is wonderful and 99% of the time we don't look back.

So don't apologise for being mad at the world. Some of us understand.

Please find people who understand. It took me a long time to get over my anger over 3 miscarriages and without the support of people who I knew understood (because they'd been through it) I would still be carrying around that desire to rage into the face of God. My dh suffered too, but didn't have that searing sense of failure and loss and really, I don't think anyone other that a woman who has lost a pregnancy will properly get it. If you google something like "things not to say to a woman after a miscarriage" there are various forms of a list that it can be quite handy to give to those close to you.

choo , I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time. It is awful to be thrown into situations where you are vulnerable but need to be strong ( with your dsd, young babies, etc)

I think you need to be kinder to yourself. If your dp doesn't understand I can only echo what Gentleness said, find someone who does, and who can worry only about you . It doesn't sound like dp can be that person right now, because of his dd and because he doesn't really seem to get how you are feeling.

It Is very raw now, and perhaps you could protect yourself a little more, could you bow out of the birthday party, say you are I'll , and just be somewhere else?

I had a mmc at the beginning of November, my first experience of a miscarriage, and I was very emotional and sad for the first few weeks which is an 'acceptable' response I think... But I'm still sad now, and things set me off, and I still cry simetimes, or just get irrationally angry avout things that didnt bother me before .

But now my dh doesn't really seem to get it anymore, and is less supportive and understanding when I get upset, as sometimes im fine, and laugh and am very happy.

I have a co worker who guessed. We were never close before, but she had a similar experience and is now my sounding board. It is VERY reSsuring to speak to someone who understands and who doesn't say the wrong thing.

If there isn't anyone like that for you in real life, I really recommend the miscarriage boards. It helped me so much, to write and have people respond.

I hope you can slow down, be kind to yourself, and find someone who can support you right now.

Good luck

Dear Choo,

I'm really sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I went through a mc last year and I was heart broken.

I found the mc forum on mumsnet very very supportive, as there was people going through the same thing as me and totally understood the way I felt. Also I found the mc association supportive too: www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Look after yourself and I wish you the very best of luck. Xxx