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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Xmas conundrum part 2 ...warning - long

21 replies

trulyscrumptious43 · 09/12/2011 20:39

Not so much an AIBU but posting here cos more traffic methinks.
This Xmas day, we (me DD, DS - 14 and 19) are going to DP's house, where he will have his 3 DS's over to stay.
The oldest DS (16yo, we will call him Fred to avoid confusion) is a 'new' member of the family - DP fathered him unknowingly, it was a one night stand and the mother didn't tell DP until she was 6 months gone. She wanted to bring Fred up on her own (has a well off family so that helped) and DP went along with her wishes, which were not for him to be involved in the child's upbringing, though no hard feelings present.
In the meantime DP got married, had 2 more DS's, (now 10 and 12yo) and got divorced a few years back. We have been together 4 yrs and live separately.

This summer the mother got in touch with DP saying Fred wanted to meet his dad, and consequently they spent some time together this summer. DP is over the moon to have Fred in his life and obvs they have had some catching up to do.

So far, so good.

During Fred's visit we all went to stay at a member of my family's holiday home, us grown ups, DPs 3 boys and my DS. The day we were leaving, my DS (Let's call him Ernie) came and told me that he had seen Fred putting items from the household into his suitcase. I quietly mentioned this to DP and he went to investigate. DP returned, assuring me that his boys had explained what was happening, they were playing a game where they pretended to steal things from the house and put them in their suitcases, meaning to return them to their places later. Ernie had misread the situation as he was not included in the game.
I myself witnessed Fred still playing this game 20 mins later, and asked him to put the item back.

The subsequent atmosphere between Fred and Ernie was not v good, but Fred's stay was almost over so we tried our best to forget it.

Now xmas looms and Ernie is not keen to spend any time with Fred, who will be spending his first xmas with his dad. In fact Ernie is quite distressed about it and would prefer to stay home alone than go there. We will have the good company of DD who knows the back story and will keep an eye on them, but ...
what do you think?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 20:45

So your son and his son don't get on due to a minor miss understanding if I've read correctly?

Well he'll have to learn to put it behind him by the sound of it.

No-one lamped anyone over the head with a frying pan did they?

Original poster

trulyscrumptious43 · 09/12/2011 20:50

No violence took place.
Don't know if I have been too subtle here, but basically Fred got caught stealing, Ernie grassed him up then he continued to do it knowing that his Dad thinks he is a gift from heaven and can't do a thing wrong.
I actually am not sure about Fred being in my house in case he is in the habit of doing this.
Urgh now I feel too blunt.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 20:52

I thought you said it was a game?

FabbyChic · 09/12/2011 20:53

So he was stealing does his dad know he was or does he think the sun shines out of his arse? Is your son scared of him has he theatened him in any way.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2011 20:54

Ernie grassed him up then he continued to do it knowing that his Dad thinks he is a gift from heaven and can't do a thing wrong

And that oozes resentment

Are you sure there's nothing more deep seated to this?

Do you and your son resent your DH's feelings for Fred?

KD0706 · 09/12/2011 20:56

Does your DD want to go to DPs house? Can you not just stay home with your DC and DP have Christmas with his boys separately?

silverfrog · 09/12/2011 20:56

I thought you were all going to DPs house?

in which case, it is no skin off your nose if he has continued with his habit.

I would not be happy with him coming to my house either - not without it all being acknowledged and out in the open (does you dp really think his 16 year old son (plus other pre-teens) would be playing a 'game' like that?)

Bogeyface · 09/12/2011 20:59

So he was caught stealing, your DP is so caught in the glare from Freds backside that he believed the frankly ridiculous story and now your DS is worried about spending time with Fred?

Are you sure Fred didnt threaten or have a go at your son? It seems a big reaction when all that happened was he told tales and the person didnt get into trouble.

I am certain there is more to this than your son is telling you. I wouldnt be going on Xmas day if he feels so strongly, he must have his reasons and I would take them seriously.

NatashaBee · 09/12/2011 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

trulyscrumptious43 · 09/12/2011 21:02

Yes I ooze resentment that my painfully honest son (he's somewhere on the spectrum so can't help himself) told the truth and it was not upheld.
My son doesn't have any issue with Fred's appearance in our lives, he is not attached to DP in that way.

Fred's dad couldn't/wouldn't believe that Fred would anything bad, and I can understand that, at this stage of the relationship it just can't be countenanced. I'm happy to shut up and smile but am thinking of Ernie's distress over spending xmas day with him (he's quite a lot bigger, more streetwise and mature).

OP posts:

Original poster

trulyscrumptious43 · 09/12/2011 21:09

All of DP's boys may be coming over to my house in the holidays, that's also why I'm a little concerned.

(make sure Fred doesn't bring a suitcase or a bag labelled 'swag') made me laugh at this rotten situation, thank you.

OP posts:

olgaga · 09/12/2011 21:15

My son doesn't have any issue with Fred's appearance in our lives, he is not attached to DP in that way.
Poor Ernie. Are you sure you want to force Fred's dad on your son, let alone the awful Fred?

IDontDoIroning · 09/12/2011 21:21

What kind of items were included in the game, ? And are they the type of thing you can put away / hide etc before Fred's visit?
Is it possible to be a very solicitous host and not leave him unsupervised without company during his visit.
It was his fathers possessions that were included in this game so it was his fathers choice to turn a blind eye to it, it's something else if it's your possessions that might be pilfered included in this game, and you would be quite within your rights to confront him about it.

Original poster

trulyscrumptious43 · 09/12/2011 22:55

It would be really difficult to keep Fred supervised as they will stay the night if they come.
The items in the game were household ornaments, and a puzzle/game/sculpture thing. Not anything Fred needed, a bit random really, it had the look of kleptomania IYAM.

olgaga just because Ernie isn't attached to DP doesn't mean DP is forced upon him...DP is my long term boyfriend who has a house of his own. Ernie is a bit on the spectrum and is very attached to me, his big sister and his dog, and doesn't like going anywhere without us for long. He can do a few hours visit to his friend in the village but that's it. Sorry, I am digressing here.

OP posts:

ViviPrudolf · 09/12/2011 23:13

What, specifically, do you think is the main element distressing your son about the thought of having to spend time with Fred? I.e. does he feel physically threatened, or is it fear of reprisal over the incident, or concern it will happen again? If you can get to the bottom of his concerns then you stand a chance of reassuring him and moving forward with this situation.

You have to want to move forward with it yourself though, it sounds as though Fred is going to play a permanent role in DPs life, so if you see a future with him, you're going to have to try and find a way to help Ernie feel more at ease around him.

ViviPrudolf · 09/12/2011 23:15

More at ease around Fred, I should say

olgaga · 09/12/2011 23:55

DP is my long term boyfriend who has a house of his own
Well, great - but a long term boyfriend is just that. A child is a bit more permanent. I think your son's reluctance is understandable. At 16, Fred is not "playing games" however much your BF wants to delude himself. It may just be attention-seeking behaviour, but doesn't your son deserve more consideration for his instincts and feelings? His discomfort is pretty understandable - he obviously knows right from wrong.

Ernie is quite distressed about it and would prefer to stay home alone than go there
So why go there? Why not do something different for Christmas? That way your son will be happy and you'll also give your boyfriend time to get to know his son better without forcing your own son into a situation he'd rather not have to deal with.

Original poster

trulyscrumptious43 · 11/12/2011 18:51

olgaga, because DP would be really upset if I didn't go to his on xmas day.
Also not sure what you mean by long term boyfriend being just that. We have been together a long time and are committed to one another, just because we are not married or cohabiting doesn't lessen our commitment.

OP posts:

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 11/12/2011 19:05

In a very blunt nutshell - bollocks to your DP, your son comes first. He is still dependent on you, and needs you to be there for him and "on his side" (regardless of any watch me put my foot in my mouth here but I'm not sure of the right word autism affects on him) because he is a child. Your DP can fend for himself. If you want to make a plausible excuse and would prefer not to tell your DP the truth, then just say that you feel it would be best for Fred and his other sons to have some time just them, to bond as brothers or something. If you put your DP and his sons ahead of your son, your son may never ever forgive you, and he will never ever forget it...

Bogeyface · 11/12/2011 19:08

Who would you rather have upset? You BF or your DS?

Simple really, who's feelings mean more to you?

ballstoit · 11/12/2011 19:20

Sorry, another one here who can't contemplate why you are still planning to go to DPs for christmas when your own DS clearly doesn't want to. Don't get me wrong, I don't think DC should always be in control, but in this case DS has valid concerns which both you and DP seem happy to ignore.

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