Controlling grandparents

[Shelly32]

I am so grateful to my parents for looking after my two twins for 3 afternoons a week otherwise i couldn't afford to work. My problem is that they think this gives them the right to dictate everything that goes on in my girls' lives. They have 12 hrs input but think everything they do has contributed to their development, criticising everything my husband and i do, and if not criticising,offerring unwanted advice. I've been told by my father that i have L plates on and need to listen to the voice of experience. My girls are 2yrs old and are happy ,healthy bright little girls. Part of this is due to my parents but a bigger part is due to me and my husband and the carers at nursery. All of my friends have commented on the controlling nature of my parents and how they think they are the parenst rather than us. I feel powerless. I'm thinking of going back to work full timeto avoid this struggle and conflict but my girls will suffer . I can't stand this control my father has on me. My husband even got involved and my dad wouldn't let him even speak..It's wrong and out of control. I need advice or I feel I'm going to have to cut ties with my parents and go back to work full time. Please don't ask me to talk to my dad. He's not a reasonable man. He's Indian and used to controlling the women in his life. Unless you know Indian men, it's hard to understand...I'd still like advice though...

Difficult. I think you need to clearly stop the arrangement where your children are looked after by the GP if you cannot stop the criticism and control. Long term you and your DH being undermined will not be good for the children. Could you afford a childminder/ nursery.?

Thank you Jules..We could ask my husband's mother to look after the children for 1-2 days.. We pay for nursery for 3 morning at 520 per month for both children. Any more and it wouldn't be worth me working. I feel like we're tied...Maybe a childminder would be cheaper ..
We are being undermined and at this stage where the girls can't properly understand it's tolerable because we can't afford anything else. I would rather be poorer though than put up with this bullying. My parents really do think they are doing the best but they can't see how out of order they are being. My sister has tried to talk to them and totally sympathises with us but, like i said, my father will listen to no one. He'll end up a lonely old man and i don't want that but he refuses to step back a bit.. I'm at a loss as to what to do

No advice really just sympathy. This is the real financial downside of having twins (I have two sets!) - unless you earn megabucks, childcare costs are ridiculous. It's worth asking nurseries/childminders if they'll do you a sibling discount - I felt cheeky asking but got 15% off DT2's fees so well worth asking!

Oh, Shelly!

Firstly, I think I do understand your controlling dad problem - my family is West African and, having grown up with lots of Indian friends I have learned that there are far more similarities between the cultures in West Africa and India than Europe. Like you, I too grew up with an authoritarian father.

Unfortunately you do need to be straight with your dad. I say this from experience of doing it a long time ago. You need to be prepared that he will most likely not respond in the way you'd like, but for your own self-esteem (i.e. learning to stand up for yourself) you need to. As well as for the fact that he needs to hear what impact his actions is having on you.

And that is where you should start. Either in letter form, or in person, you need to find a way of communicating to both of your parents that while you adore them and are hugely grateful and appreciative of their role in your lives and the lives of your children, you feel that they have done more criticising and not so much supporting of you as a mother. They need to know that the unintended consequence of that is that your confidence in yourself has been crushed. Then ask them what they think they can do to help you rebuild your confidence.

How does that sound as a starter? They will of course be shocked, and perhaps angry. They might (in an ideal world) be persuaded with time to take a gentler approach - since you're asking them to come on board and help you with this problem - something which they clearly see as still their role, despite you being a grown adult with your own family!

MayaAngelCool, Thank you..I thought about a letter as this would prevent the usual flaring of tempers..He's always been like this and when i moved away to London for 2 yrs, i forgot what a control freak he was. On my return, marriage and babies, the monster has returned with a vengeance. I pity my mother but all she seems to do is perpetuate it through her lack of opinion..
I tried to talk to him tonight, as did my husband , who NEVER gets involved usually.. My father was as rude to him as he was to me. I really feel trapped as i can't afford childcare for the full 3 days and don't want to miss out on my children's childhood by working full time.

Shelly I think you need to approach this as if they were not an essential part of your day to day life.

What I mean is: My parents live at the other end of the country, there is no one to 'help' other than who lives with us (me and DH) and we make our decisions based on that.

You HAVE to approach this as if they did not exist, because only then can they exist as 'grandparents' and not a solution to childcare problems.

You DO have a choice. It may not be one you like, but if you want their help you give a little control to them. So live like you're on your own with your DH in the world.

Its scary but my goodness, although it may save you money, the relief from the stress is priceless.

If you had no parents, how would you cope? Answer THAT question, and you'll have your solution.

My folks are thankfully, lovely. But they are neither use not ornament as far as our day to day life is concerned. They are loved by my children (and me) but have no input. DH and I sort ourselves out. Its tough. We are happy.

The balance between what you think you need and the stress you're experiencing is completely out of whack.

Good luck.

I think aldis advice is spot on.
Imagine you didn't have any family around. Thats the situation many parents are in, with 2 or more young children and no possibility of family childcare. You WOULD find a solution. Either you would give up work for a while, cut back on expenses, take a mortgage holiday. Or - the solution many people come to- is to accept that childcare is an investment. It may wipe out all of your earnings for a while, but you do it for the longer term. Once your dcs are 3, you'll get 15 hours free a week each. A little later and they'll be in school- that'll cut down costs a lot. You might also want to investigate a cm rather than nursery.

The one thing i would definitely do is stop using the grandparents as free childminders - because actually it's not free is it? You're paying a high price- being belittled and made to feel they call the shots about caring for YOUR children. That's the downside of expecting someone to do a job- looking after someone elses children- for free. Get out of the situation and get back control.

The only way is to stop using them for childcare.

Aldi is soooo right. Op your post has struck a chord with me too, my mum is hypercritical about my parenting, always has been. She like maya's is west african. Never a good word to say, just mean for means sake. She is now too ill to offer childcare and its like a weight off my shoulders. Dh and I have organised our working pattern so that we need childcare for 2 days per week. We use breakfast club and afterschool club for our boys. But baby DD will go to my sister one day and mil the other day. But if either of them behaved like my mum I would happily be skint to pay for nursery. You have your own little family now and need to assert ypurself as a mother. The model that your dts are seeing from your dad isn't good

Another supporter of Aldi's advice here. And I certainly wouldn't hesitate in telling them why I was no longer using them for childcare.

I always look at it that people often invest huge amounts of money in their house, and often in travel or holidays or nights out or other life enhancing experiences. It seems odd that some people have a different approach to childcare and seem to begrudge paying a reasonable daily rate to have their children cared for in the way you want, without criticism. Ok, it would have been nice to have a few quid left over when mine were in nursery, but frankly their well being and the fact that my parental choices were respected were the most important things

If you have trouble standing up to him, do you think your DH could talk to him in language he understands, as in, "This is my family now, my wife and children, and I am in charge"? Perhaps your Dad in part doesn't think your DH is assertive enough and is trying to fill that gap, so maybe letting him think your DH is the boss could help?

These messages have been really helpful. Thank you everyone for the advice. I will definitely look into the childcare vouchers. We do get tax credits but the lowest amount so it would be worth losing them to use the vouchers. I just feel really sad that I can't have a healthier relationship with my parents!

Zonked out, my husband has stayed out of most of the drama as two men 'butting heads' doesn't usually solve much. He did try and talk to him last night but my dad just totally talked over him. My husband is assertive but isn't keen on confrontation. My dad still sees me as 'his child' and i don't think that's going to change. He's stubborn, stuck in his ways and just frustrating..

Could I just say that it is not just ethnic minority men who behave in this way. I deliberately chose to marry into a culture known as being more liberal than our own. However, my callous in-laws basically hammered the nail into the coffin of a thirteen year marriage - it only took them a few days to completely spook DH and he no longer cared for me or the DCs; he just became intent upon destroying us in all ways possible because of their callous judgement. You should be glad that it is not your DH's parents who are causing the problem.

I know it's not just ethnic minority men and I'm sure many aren't controlling. It was a bit of a sweeping statement but one that's been true in my case. I sympathis with you but I'd really rather no such issues from either side of the family. Because it's my parents, I cannot distance myself from it where as i think it wouldn't hurt so much to think of my DH's parents being critical as i wouldn't really care so much.

Could you just ignore him and just go 'yeah, yeah, yeah,' and do what you want to do or does he do things when he looks after the girls that you feel undermine the way you bring them up. Or could you just say I really need to go and try not to get into a conversation with him about it if he is rude.

I think all parents can be a bit like it. My mum has done it to me at times.