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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not invite needy friend over after work tomorrow?

17 replies

knitpicker · 08/12/2011 16:33

I have a very good friend who is having a hard time lately - his dad is in a home, slowly dying from various ailments plus old age and friend has fallen out with the rest of the family. He was accidently copied to some email his siblings were sending to each other with some very homophobic comments about him (he is gay) - he sort of laughed this off but was obviously and understandably upset. Relations have continued to deteriorate and we have done a lot of helping/ hand-holding and generally being a support for the last year. He has just emailed asking if he can come over after work tomorrow - wants to see kids he said and ask them what they want for xmas, it is so kind of him he is always so generous and they like him a lot.
Thing is - friend has been driving DH crazy. Every conversation is about him and his family problems. TBH I can see that friend has not helped the situation (too long to go into) and to an extent I am not surprised they have ganged up and excluded him (not in any way to condon their homophobia of course). We have tried to help him mend relations etc etc, tried to help him see sense when we feel he is being unreasonable but he just gets angry with us. DH is exhausted by him. DH is tired and grumpy after long hard week working, as am I. He also has health issues which don't help matters. Friday evening is a sacrosanct quiet evening in with the kids and special dinner. Friend has often been invited but I know DH will moan and complain if I ask him tomorrow as he has been trying to avoid friend lately.
WHat would you do - invite moany friend which will piss off DH or deflect friend to another evening.
I'm going to have to invite him, aren't I?

OP posts:

blondie80 · 08/12/2011 16:36

You said it, he is a needy friend - he needs you, perhaps one day it will be the other way around.

Perhaps tell him you're busy tomorrow after work, but see him sometime at the weekend?

Crosshair · 08/12/2011 16:36

Go out with said friend? or arrange a date that suits you better?

JaneFonda · 08/12/2011 16:36

Could you not invite him over on another day? Does it definitely have to be Friday?

Family time is incredibly important, but so too is caring for friends, and even acquaintances. I know it's a cliché, but it's particularly important at this time of year to be kind and generous to friends who are having a tough time.

I'm certainly not trying to guilt trip you - far from it, you deserve to spend time alone with your family - but perhaps inviting him for another day would be nice, so that he doesn't feel so alone.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 08/12/2011 16:37

no, you don't have to. It's ok to tell him that tomorrow isn't convenient and offer another day instead. You can be there for your friends and still have time for yourself and consider your partner's wishes too. You have to balance.

you can chat to him over the phone, email him, arrange to go for a coffee with him... you can still be a good and supportive friend without putting his needs first all the time

DoesNotGiveAFig · 08/12/2011 16:37

Deflect to another time, and perhaps a time where your DH is out. He should understand if you explain that it's the end of a long tiring week and 'not tonight'.

Flyonthewindscreen · 08/12/2011 16:38

Tell your DH that needy friend wanted to come over Friday night but you have put him off until X (date quite soon) because you know he (DH) needs that chilling time as tired and not well. Hopefully DH will appreciate you not spoiling his quiet evening and will put up with needy friend graciously when he does come.

TestAnswers · 08/12/2011 16:38

YANBU

Simply tell him that you and your DH are exhausted so Friday after work is not good for you, but suggest a different time instead - maybe a time when your DH won't be there?

If he has talked about his problems so much already then I think it would be ok to gently steer him off the topic when he starts up. If he doesn't take the hint then maybe you need to be blunt?

Original poster

knitpicker · 08/12/2011 16:53

Really appreciate input, thank you all. I'm here with DH now and will delicately broach subject and see how he feels about it. Gulp

OP posts:

Ragwort · 08/12/2011 16:58

I'm not sure its really fair to expect your DH to make the choice - if you know that he finds this friend particularly demanding - wouldn't it be better for you to suggest an alternative date for the friend?

I had a 'friend' like this and for years I put myself out for them at the cost of other friendships and my family to some extent; when their life suddenly got a lot better I was quickly dumped in favour of more 'fashionable' friends - so now I am quite wary of this sort of situation.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/12/2011 16:58

Do both of you need to be around to support 'needy friend'? If it's your friend, he could call round for you to see the kids - half an hour and you're both out of there, on to a restaurant or pub or whatever, leaving DH home for some peace.

NinkyNonker · 08/12/2011 17:00

I can't see that just saying no to tomorrow and suggesting a different night would be an issue. I wouldn't necessarily broach it with DH either.

Original poster

knitpicker · 08/12/2011 17:01

DH remembered it's the school xmas fair - so I'll invite him along to that - chaos should take his mind off everything. Feel guilty now - have already met friend for lunch twice this week. Also, this is 'my' weekend to care for elderly Dad so my mum can have some free time so can't have him over then.
Friend is also coming to us for xmas day and will definitely be changing subject after reasonable amount of time hearing about latest clash with siblings. Thanks all!

OP posts:

Dunrovin · 08/12/2011 17:03

Have a walk in the park and a coffee out with him on Saturday Morning - with kids in tow.

overmydeadbody · 08/12/2011 17:04

Just suggest another time to him, when he can pop in to see your kids, maybe at the weekend?

Or arrange to go out to the pub with him without your DH, and let him pop in quickly to see the kids before wisking him out to drink his sorrows away?

WhoopsyLa · 08/12/2011 17:10

DH, DH, DH...that's all I can hear.

I would never ask my DH to not see a friend in need. Your DH should not ask this of you. Take your mate out for a pint after he's seen the kids. I wish I had a colleague who felt they could ask for my friendship.

squeakytoy · 08/12/2011 17:31

Why not suggest your husband goes out for an evening with his mates. Most men would jump at that opportunity!

Sidge · 08/12/2011 17:40

Glad you got it sorted.

FWIW I totally see where you're coming from - I have a dear friend who I love very much but she's emotionally draining. My heart sinks occasionally when I see a text from her saying she'd like to pop round on a Friday evening - DH and I are shattered after a week of work/kids etc and just want to flop and chill.

I try and organise meeting up with her at any other time, or where there's something going on so the emotional neediness is diluted!

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