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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to support DH in taking his ex back to court

11 replies

balia · 07/12/2011 22:52

I've had a number of threads about my DSS (9) and the problems we have with his mother, who has MH issues. After a protracted court case my DH was given a contact order with the proviso that he accept a limited amount of holiday contact for 12 months to allow his ex to get used to the contact. It was made clear that whilst ex was exaggerating her condition to avoid contact as a 'weapon' to hurt/control DH, there was still enough concern about her fragile mental state (as DSS's main caregiver) to warrant some extra time for her to hopefully get some treatment.

We are now 6 years on. We have made limited progress - DSS has been allowed to spend up to 4 consecutive nights with us in holiday times, but this has been the result of DH 'trading' usual weekends to have a block of time. DH has been very anxious to avoid court in the interests of DSS, who has to cope with his mother's aggressive outburts when thwarted. DSS has become increasingly vocal about wanting to spend holiday time with his Dad, however, and increasingly upset when we go on holiday with his half-siblings.

Arrangements for this Christmas have hit a new low in surrealness, however. Christmas is a very difficult time for ex, lots of obsessive 'significant' days and ritual behaviour. DH has suggested that we have our court ordered holiday time after Christmas, so that DSS can come with us to his grandparents annual party with all his cousins. He has expressed a very strong desire to come with us. We have carefully planned it so it doesn't hit any of her special days.

Ex has agreed - provided DH gives her a photo album that belonged to his ex-wife, who left it when she moved her belongings out of DH's house 12 years ago. DH has no idea where this thing might be (he has moved house 3 times since then, and I've certainly never seen it) or why she might want such a thing.It has creeped him out quite a bit. I agree with him, we have done everything we can to avoid court, but we aren't doing DSS any favours like this.

It just seems like madness. And no, I am not the OW - just to be clear.

OP posts:

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 07/12/2011 22:59

Sorry, could you explain. In the first sentence of your final paragraph, is the Ex the same person as the ex-wife who moved out 12 years ago? And they have a 9 year old son together? Or not?

Whatever, your husband should probably have re-visited the court 5 years ago, to firm up the arrangements. This just seems like slow torture for all involved, not least a 9-year old boy.

FabbyChic · 07/12/2011 23:01

How old is DSS he may well be old enough that the court takes his feelings into consideration and what he wants.

FabbyChic · 07/12/2011 23:02

Oh nine sorry you said.

slavetofilofax · 07/12/2011 23:03

I'm confused too!

But either way, yes you should support him, but talk to dss before anything happens so he knows that his dad wants him and what it is going to take for that to happen. Obviously only the age appropriate things he needs to knwo though.

Original poster

balia · 08/12/2011 18:37

Sorry to post and run - and for the confusion!

DH's first wife left him 12 or 13 years ago. The photo album belongs to her - DH can't even remember what was in it - but she left it behind in their house when she left, along with a couple of boxes of stuff she (presumably) didn't want anymore.

DH was never married to DSS's mother, they had a brief fling a couple of years after his divorce. She didn't know DH's ex. Why she would want this photo album is beyond us. I wonder if this is just some weird distraction thought up to avoid having to admit that she just doesn't want to let DSS go to DH's parents (who she has never liked.)

I think court is now the best option to get this sorted out, but it is DSS who has to cope with the backlash and I know DH has been reluctant because of that.

OP posts:

diddl · 08/12/2011 18:42

It sounds to me as if you must go to court-surely his ex is used to the contact now & something without provisos needs putting in place properly.

It´s ridiculous that she demand such a thing & almost as ridiculous that your husband gives it any consideration.

thepeoplesprincess · 08/12/2011 18:47

YANBU. She sounds like a mentalist, and if she's so unstable as to be holding you to ransom over a photo album that belonged to someone she never met, sh;e probably shouldn't be allowed to keep the poor kid full stop.

ladydeedy · 08/12/2011 18:57

My DH's ex is like this and demanded family history docs that related to DH's distant relatives (not her family). I do think the way to deal with this is to refuse (by simply saying we dont have this anymore). if you provide any hope of stuff being found she will latch on to it. and also, if you do comply with the current demand there will be others (more extreme) to follow.

Just either ignore or say no.
Go to court or just call her bluff. in our case EXW demanded all sorts of things before she would allow access. When DH said no, she went mad and then after a few weeks of having the children without a break she DEMANDED that he take them off her hands as she couldnt cope.... see what you think might work...

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 08/12/2011 20:14

If she is so bonkers why don't you go for full residency? Do you really think she is tsking better care of DSS than you could?

prettyfly1 · 08/12/2011 20:38

Snapes it doesnt work that way. In the eyes of the law a child has rights to a fair and equal relationship with both parents and unless real abuse can be proven a court will rarely issue full residency on the grounds of mental health issues. I know this as we are going through this AGAIN with my own DSS mother who also has some very odd ideas about things.

OP your best bet is to support whatever your partner and dss need - hope it works out ok, dealing with this stuff is very tiring at times.

Original poster

balia · 08/12/2011 22:15

DH has written a letter giving a non-emotional statement about the current position and stating that all discussion must centre on DSS's needs/wishes/best interests, and politely asking her for her proposals for the court ordered contact. She has offered a day's contact on the 30th, but that is the day after DH's mum's party when we will be several hours away so it isn't a reasonable offer.

But look, there has been much worse stuff in the past, but bottom line, this is DSS's mother we are talking about, he loves her, she loves him and I'm sure does her best. I actually think she would find a further defined order less stressful than the current one, as making decisions is really stressful for her and having things very clear cut seems to work better.

And I have said MH issues so can we avoid terms like 'bonkers'?

OP posts:

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