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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to looking after BF's DCs for new year's day whilst he sees friends?

44 replies

Purpleroses · 07/12/2011 20:28

We don't live together but had planned to do something together with the DCs (he has 4 and I have 2) on New Year's Day. But now he has said he has plans to go and play board games with his friends for afternoon/evening on New Year's day, and do I fancy looking after his younger two DCs

If not, he says he'll ask his DD1 (14) to do it. Feeling rather peed off as I'd though we were going to do something together. I like his DCs and they're good company for mine, (and we could feasibly do something all together on a different day) but looking after all of them with no other adults for company wasn't what I'd planned to do on New Year's Day :( Told him I'd have to see what other plans I could make with my own friends first and see if his DCs wanted to fit in. Or should I just have said no?

Am rather hoping that his DD1 has plans of her own and says no too.

OP posts:

iscream · 08/12/2011 10:08

Yanbu. You were supposed to be spending time together that day, and he ditched those plans without even discussing it with you. What is he doing getting babysitters when he is only a part time father anyways?

As far as his dd2 goes, can you say you are going to visit elderly family/friend or something she can't do? You can always say later (if it comes up) that they cancelled last minute due to flu so you did such and such instead?

No way would I bring any of his children along, because he was not nice cancelling on you. Don't do him any favours.

2rebecca · 08/12/2011 10:13

I'm fine with men having hobbies but New Year's day is quite a big day for many families and so I wouldn't be happy with a bloke saying he'd spend the day with me and his/my kids and then changing his mind for an activity he could do any day. The 2nd is a holiday up here so he could have told them he was free then (or following weekend). He should be asking the kids mum to have their kids if he doesn't want them. I find it sad he puts games over the rest of you. It doesn't bode well for your relationship.

ImperialBlether · 08/12/2011 19:12

What about the children's mum? Does she know that that he's trying to palm them off on you?

OTTMummA · 08/12/2011 19:54

Well he sounds like a treat!
why don't you treat yourself to an early xmas present and dump the twat.

confuddledDOTcom · 09/12/2011 01:33

This sounds like the early years of our relationship. There was a big fall out in his gaming group (the people who's house they met in have a totally out of control child and people got fed up) and our house gradually became a place to meet once a week (although no D&D, just WoW when we feel like it or talk, Munchkins, triva game etc) and the more he realises that the people who come to our house are real friends the more he realises how his other friends are users and doesn't bother with them.

We used to all spend the Christmas week at theirs either RPG (which I don't do, I tried once and my character ended up shaking in the corner as I had no idea what I was supposed to do and GM reacted to that) or a board game day, then stay over at theirs on NYE. When I had my own children it wasn't practical anymore. I remember one night getting drunk and dancing naked in Stormwind and totally fed up because he was supposed to be back to see the year in with me.

Nothing wrong with RPG in any form for adults, it's mostly played by adults IME but it depends how it's fitted into their normal life.

Bogeyface · 09/12/2011 01:41

Have you ever spoken to his ex about why they split up?

Might be worth a call....

aldiwhore · 09/12/2011 03:14

You're together, he's asked if you'll mind looking after his two youngest whilst he meets up with friends, whatever the reason or day if he's prepared to reciprocate the favour, I don't see the issue.

If the DAY is the bug bear, tell him you'll be happy to do it any other day but you'd really like to spend time with him on NYD.. although it doesn't sound like you've made any firm plans for that day anyway, nor does it seem like he NEEDS you (or is using you) as he's already said if its not for you he has other options.

Sorry I don't go with the masses in thinking he's a cheeky twat, he just got his request in first. YWNBU to decline, but you still wouldn't get the 'family day' you're after as you're a bit late in the day.

LoveInAColdClimate · 09/12/2011 08:08

He didn't "get his request in first", Aldi, he already had plans with the OP and the children - he's now had another offer which he fancies more. Hence being a cheeky twat!

2rebecca · 09/12/2011 08:11

Plus they don't live together, so its not as though they are seeing each other all the time and she is his kids stepmother.

Original poster

Purpleroses · 09/12/2011 09:30

Thanks all - we hadn't planned what to do on the day, just that it would be a good chance to do something with the DCs. It is this, along with the fact that it's NYD that has upset me - most people do things with their families that day I think, and I had made no other plans because we'd said we'd do something together. No, he hasn't assumed I can have the DCs, though I do agree that it's not great parenting to leave them in the care of his DD1 for so long (she's a responsible girl, but all afternoon and evening is a long time)

confuddled - nice to hear that I'm not the only person with a DP that's into the role play scene. Like you, I don't have a problem with it per se, it's with the balance in his (already presured) life between me and the role playing that seems wrong. Did you manage to get a better balance in your relationship?

Bogey - In a way I would love to know his ex's view on things, but there's no way I'd ever ring her up to ask her. We see each other in passing when his DCs are dropped off but no more. She's not particularly friendly. I know the games are something he's got back into since his divorce, and he feels it's important to maintain the friendships he's built back up. But you can't fill your life with things, and then expect a new relationship to fit in on top of that with no compromises can you?

OP posts:

LoveInAColdClimate · 09/12/2011 12:29

I bet he wouldn't do this to a friend - make plans to do something, albeit unspecified, then turn round and say "oh, I've made other plans now but that's ok because we hadn't actually decided what we were doing, had we." Good luck getting it sorted, OP.

Elderberries · 09/12/2011 13:59

I think you have to be honest with him. Calmly tell him what you have told us. Don't think he should be leaving his kids either. He doesn't sound like partner material from this. Anyway you don't want accept being walked over.

confuddledDOTcom · 09/12/2011 22:52

You really do sound like me a few years ago, I'm laughing (in a "I know that one" way, not to be mean) reading your posts. He thought he could fit a relationship in and everything else he did. I got angry eventually. Saturday he met them at lunch time to play dopplekopf, then he'd game until quite late then they'd play dopplekopf until sometimes early hours (3, 4am not unusual!) then Sunday he'd be golfing all morning. One Sunday morning I stayed over at his house (his parents house actually) and we'd agreed he wouldn't go. I woke up late because all was quiet and realised it was late morning and I was on my own, his parents downstairs. He comes strolling in not long after having been golfing! Monday he was gaming again, the other nights he'd be on his laptop gaming. Then the following weekend he spent with his other children. So I wasn't getting any time at all with him, to me that was the worst part of it. I don't care whatever hobby he gets as long as I'm not the hobby!

Original poster

Purpleroses · 09/12/2011 23:37

confuddled - but you're still with him . So is he still doing it? Or did you manage to get him to change? If so how?!!
Have exchanged a few emails, and planning to have a proper talk with him tomorrow about it, though not quite sure how as we both have DCs this weekend, maybe we'll put them all in front of a DVD for a bit.

OP posts:

Dozer · 10/12/2011 06:58

How long have you been together? I think the shorter the time the cheekier he's being.

Agree with others that it's not good parenting to leave his DCs on new year's day, whether with you or alone, especially as it's part of a visit and he doesn't have them full-time.

He's being selfish imo.

confuddledDOTcom · 10/12/2011 22:27

Partly because there was a split in the gaming group, he tried (still does to an extent) to be on both sides and is realising that the new group are actually his real friends and the others use him, the new group meet at our house now so I get him on a Monday now. The golf is because we've etiher not had the weather for awhile or because of the children.

Mostly it's realisations he's made for himself, that he's not giving me enough time and that he's giving his time to users. Partly that he wants to be with his children and was realising he was giving more time to the children who live in another part of the country than the ours who he sees everyday.

I wish I could give you definitive answers but I've spent 7 years nagging him! Although thinking about it, I'd forgotten this one, I came up with a deal. He could have one weekend a month (airsoft) and one night a week (gaming at ours). I keep asking if I could have the same deal but he's not going to "babysit" as much as he goes out!

Original poster

Purpleroses · 11/12/2011 21:54

Dozer - best part of two years now. I do do stuff with his DCs quite a bit, and he does ocassionally have mine, though less so because he's not so often free.

Anyway discussed it today. He is protesting that he had forgotton/misunderstood the arrangement for NYD. Not great really (as he is quite definitely wrong!) but somewhat better than having remembered and just decided that it didn't matter. He has now suggested that he will see friends in the evening only (his role-play character can apparently lurk in the background for the first few hours... !) His DD1 will babysit as I'll be at home with my own DCs, and we will do stuff together in the day, which seems fair enough.

After a fairly harsh email from me and further discussions, he has been more organised about making other plans for other days together, so I don't feel so much pushed to the bottom of the list. Tried to get some more definite deals about how much time it was reasonable to role-play (eg one night a week and a few Sundays a year) but he seems to tell me that he can't entirely choose when his friends choose to play games that he is in (and if he's in it, he'd be killing off some character by not playing... - very strange hobby But I think we made some progress :)

Thanks for the advice, think I did need a bit of reassurance that I was right not to let it go unchallenged :)

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 12/12/2011 00:24

I was married to a role player and they did one week night a week (at our house so I could go out when they were here), and then they started a "junior club" on a Sunday as the sons got older and got interested in it.

They still meet, 15 years-ish later, and since the word Go, they have only met once a week. The junior club are now old enough to meet on their own.

flyingspaghettimonster · 12/12/2011 03:16

What on earth is the problem? Is there something special about New Year's Day that I am not getting? Not exactly New Year's eve is it? What do most folks do on New Year's... lie in, nurse a hang over, start their diet... He's probably thinking he'll have had 4 kids to watch all week and would be nice to get out and see his friends. I would 'let' my husband go out on New Year's Day... or expect him to 'let' me if I had plans... and why does it come down to rather seeing them than his own kids?

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