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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want my toddler in my bed?

14 replies

ditziness · 07/12/2011 13:27

I have no problem atall with co sleeping, infact the few times it's happened with DS I think it's been a magical experience. But in the main in his 2 and a half years he's always slept in his own bed. When he was a baby I found I couldn't sleep with him in the bed, and he's always slept better too in his own space. I also feel I really need my own space, and space with my husband at night time.

He's always slept well too, with occassional blips. Usually when he hits a patch of bad sleeping we'll take it in turns to go into him and give him a cuddle, tuck him back in and leave him to it, until he settles. Have always found being consistent, loving and firm has worked eventually.

But this is different. Maybe because he's talking now rather than crying. Or maybe because he's never shown any interest in sleeping with us before. But these last couple of months he's waking at 3am, 4am , 5am for no apparent reason that I can fathom, but shouting, screaming hysterically for "Mummy and Daddy's bed" . I find it heartbreaking because he's so certain that that is what he wants, and if I'm giving him a cuddle he'll struggle free and run through.

I feel awful denying him what he wants, because I can't think of any reason other than I don't want him there. And that feels a horrible thing for a mother to say to her son. But I don't want him there :-( , I want my space and my sleep. It wouldn't be so bad but he doesn't sleep in our bed, he just pokes me and pulls my hair, kicks me, etc.

But I don't know how to help him understand, what to say, than than NO. I'm wondering whether he wants a proper bed of his own maybe? as he's still in is cot (still can't climb out so never bothered to change it) Or maybe giving him his own bed would make the problem worse? Am I being unfair to him?

soo tired.

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pastahat · 07/12/2011 13:44

Yanbu... DD1 did exactly the same when she was 2.5, as she both snores and wriggles incessantly i would not get any sleep. We set a rule that she could come in for a cuddle but then after a few mins she had to go back to her own bed, and after a couple of weeks it worked. I would get him a big boys bed as the excitement of choosing this/ getting it ready may help.. We also had a reward chart which she seemed to understand and like. Is there any underlying reason you can think of? I think in our case it was me being pregnant with DD2 that unsettled her.
Good luck.. Everyone will be happy with more sleep!

ditziness · 07/12/2011 13:51

oh interesting, i'm pregnant. He's seems very happy and fine with it, but maybe he's unsettled? I'm just about to move house too so maybe he's worried about that too.

I'm unsure about whether changing to a new bed at the same time as moving too will be too much change. My plan was to move house, keep him in his cot for a couple of months and then let him choose a new bed for his new room a month or so before the baby comes.

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TeWiharaMeriKirihimete · 07/12/2011 13:58

DD has just gone through a phase of this as well, am heavily PG too - so tried to be reassuring, gave her a cuddle etc but always put her back to bed. We can't sleep together as neither of us sleep well that way (she wants to wake up and play and I can't get comfortable!)

She does have her own bed and I do think it helps her feel more in control and therefore confident about sleeping on her own.

ditziness · 07/12/2011 14:13

To be honest I'm a bit scared about getting him a bed. Won't he just get out of it constantly?

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TeWiharaMeriKirihimete · 07/12/2011 14:19

I thought DD would. But no - she didn't! She loves her bed and is happy to sleep there.

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 07/12/2011 14:20

My DS started this wanting to be in my bed thing at about that age too. I stuck firmly to 'no' and he stopped it after a days/weeks (is it awful that I can't remember? It was only earlier this year!!) Anyway, He doesn't need any other reason apart from 'because mummy said so'.

There are many poor parents about that allowed this to continue and now have 5-7 year olds sleeping in their bed!! (I know one family that allows all three children to arrive in their bed most nights...)

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 07/12/2011 14:21

and yes my DS did keep getting back out, but got shoved back in each time! He got bored of it quickly!

nativitywreck · 07/12/2011 14:27

It's time to get him a bed. Just get him a normal single and if he wakes wanting cuddles etc, get in with him.
I have never been able to co-sleep with a toddler, and if ds wakes I get in with him until he fall back asleep, then I go back to my own bed.
These phases usually pass, and it wont cause him to want you in his bed every night. It doesn't hurt to show that you are not entirely happy about doing it, so that it's only in extremis.
Last time this happened in my house ds said to me "you're always grumpy when you are in your pyjamas" and I said "yes because I don't like being woken up in the night. Now go to sleep!"

ditziness · 07/12/2011 15:34

The new room he'll be moving into has a single bed in it already. Doyou think he should just move beds at the same time as house. My instinct says that'll be terribly unsettling.

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PenguinArmy · 07/12/2011 15:37

Is there room for both cot and bed? Then you can give him a choice each time he goes to bed and take it from there.

It's what we did with DD but admittedly she is younger so we might have getting up and out more later.

mumofthreekids · 07/12/2011 15:47

I think the arrival of the new baby will probably be more unsettling for him than moving house. My DS1 barely seemed to notice our house move (he was only 18m though), whereas I have heard that some toddlers hate giving up 'their' cot for the new baby. So personally I would move him into a bed now.

Either way it is a lot of changes for him in a short space of time, so be kind to him. But that doesn't mean you have to let him sleep in your bed if you don't want to.

ditziness · 07/12/2011 17:48

ok so i move in 2 weeks
baby due in 6 months

i reckon move house
move to bed in 2 months
then baby comes

?

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pastahat · 07/12/2011 20:17

That would make sense, I can see why you don't want to move him into a bed quite yet! No wonder you're feeling knackered with a toddler in your bed and being 3 months pregnant.. Hope the move goes ok

ditziness · 07/12/2011 21:39

Thank you! I am totally knackered, can't be doing with this move and the sleepless nights on top of the morning sickness and complete exhaustion.

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