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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my mum to grow up - long, sorry!

24 replies

TheKurgan · 07/12/2011 10:08

Background: My mum hates my MIL and has done since she first met her. I can understand why she might dislike her - their personalities clash dreadfully (they're quite similar in many ways!) and I find my MIL very irritating myself sometimes, but her heart's in the right place and she's always been good to me. The absolute hatred is irrational and unfair and puts me (and DH) in a very awkward position. I wish she didn't feel that way and, failing that, I wish that she would rise above it and find it in herself to be polite and fake in the English way! I've given up on that, though, so I just make sure they never see each other.

MIL looks after my DD one day a week at our house, which I know my mum hates, but, as I've said to her, it's nothing to do with her. Mum sees DD much less often as they have lots of livestock and it's very hard for them to get away, but she adores DD.

Anyway - the point of this post - yesterday MIL was here, and mum phoned to ask after DD. MIL started speaking to DD quite loudly (probably so my mum knew she was there - she's not entirely guileless), at which point my mum started saying: 'Oh God she's there, I can hear that awful voice, oh why won't she just shut up, etc.' As I was in the room with MIL and wasn't sure whether she could hear my mum's voice, I was mortified and didn't know what to do. I cut the conversation short and tried to act normally, but I was absolutely seething with my mum. I don't think MIL heard anything but I don't know for sure.

What I want to do is confront my mum for being childish and rude and for putting me in such a difficult position, and tell her I'm sick of her attitude and she needs to get over it. I know from experience that this won't go down well. What would you do? AIBU to expect my mum to act like an adult?

OP posts:
pictish · 07/12/2011 10:10

Oh nightmare! Has she form for being disagreeable in this way?

Skintandselfish · 07/12/2011 10:17

I feel your pain OP. It is not easy when one of your own parents behaves like a child.

Your own final paragraph says exactly what you need to do. I know from experience that confronting your own mother is difficult though, even when you are definitely in the right.

You can't make your mum like your MIL but she should have the good grace to keep her feelings to herself and not be so unkind.

Your mums behaviour is not on and I think you should tell her this. I would suggest practising exactly what you are going to say. Stick to your script. Your mum may try to twist your words, turn the blame on you or your MIL- stick to your simple message and don't get railroaded. No need for a huge argument, you just need to tell her that her actions are unkind and not ok with you.

Now, I just need to take my own advice and confront my own mother Blush.

Original poster
TheKurgan · 07/12/2011 10:48

Thanks for the advice, Skintandselfish. And, Pictish, I would say she has form - she is worse on the topic of MIL than anything else, but there's no denying she's a difficult woman.

OP posts:
pictish · 07/12/2011 10:51

Urgh. I think you have to camly but firmly tell her the mil bashing stops there. Tell her you dislike hearing it, and that it upsets you. Ask her to respect your feelings on the matter.

See what happens then?

diddl · 07/12/2011 10:55

No help as the situation sounds terrible, but I would have put the phone down.

Pretty poor form from your MIL though if she did speak loudly so that your mum knew she was there.

pictish · 07/12/2011 11:02

"Pretty poor form from your MIL though if she did speak loudly so that your mum knew she was there."

Eh?? Confused

diddl · 07/12/2011 11:04

What´s so confusing?

pictish · 07/12/2011 11:05

Why shouldn't the mil speak up?

diddl · 07/12/2011 11:07

Because she was trying to rub it in that she was there with her GC & OPs mother wasn´t?

That´s what OP seems to be inferring-apologies if misunderstood though.

Original poster
TheKurgan · 07/12/2011 11:10

Yes, diddl, that's what I was inferring. It's a competitive granny thing - like I said she's not totally whiter than white - but my mum's behaviour is the bigger issue.

OP posts:
pictish · 07/12/2011 11:10

Oh yes...I see! Uh huh. So it's one sided, but mil is not entirely innocent either?

Original poster
TheKurgan · 07/12/2011 11:12

Exactly!

OP posts:
pictish · 07/12/2011 11:14

Oh golly - what a pair of scrapping hens they are!

Well...tell your mum to stop because it upsets you and ask her to respect your feelings on that, and give mil the unmistakable 'look'.

LetmethinkNO · 07/12/2011 11:15

Poor you.

FWIW it sounds as if you have a very clear reading of the situation and all you can now do is set the paprameters of your relationship with your Mum- do what you did and refuse to engage with her when she rants. Change the subject and/ or cut the conversation short.

diddl · 07/12/2011 11:32

It´s sad for your mum that MIL sees your daughter more, but she´s not really going about it in a way that would make you want to do much about it, is she?

The other thing is-does she really want to see more of her GD, or just doesn´t want to see less of her than MIL?

Original poster
TheKurgan · 07/12/2011 11:42

She does want to see more of DD, it really is hard for her to get away though, and, to be honest, I think the isolation of the place she and my dad live is sending her slightly loopy! I'm quite sure that she would like MIL to see MUCH less of DD as well though!

OP posts:
diddl · 07/12/2011 11:49

How often does she see her GD?

Do you go to them very often?

Original poster
TheKurgan · 07/12/2011 12:05

Every few months. We used to go up and see them a fair bit but it is too far to go without an overnight stay and we got a kitten recently who I feel (my husband thinks I am soft) is too young to be left for long periods right now - in a few months it will be OK. I can't take DD without DH as I can't drive! Shame on me! Anyway, I'm sure you can do without hearing about all that!

OP posts:
Woofsaidtheladybird · 07/12/2011 12:17

Oh God. I could have written this post down to the last detail. My mum is just like yours. She ruined my Dd's christening earlier this year by deliberately going out of her way to ignore my ILs at our house afterwards. I had it out with her. Ended up us not speaking for 3 months, which hasn't helped me much as I'm having dc2 in 2 weeks......

My sympathies. If your mum is anything like mine, she is set in her ways, won't grow up and will carry on being rude. I do what letmethink and I always change the conversation quickly if my ILs ever come up.....

Sigh.....

diddl · 07/12/2011 12:18

So it´s quite a big difference in the two mothers.

I´m not sure that many GMs would be happy with only seeing their GC every few months, but sometimes distance means that that´s it.

Well a kitten can´t really be left overnight, can they?

I won´t condemn you for not driving-I don´t either!

cantgetfestivelylaidingermany · 07/12/2011 13:32

They both sound a bit daft.....I feel for you having to put up with it.

diddl · 07/12/2011 13:38

I think I would have to tell her that she sounds ridiculous/childish/nasty even when she talks like that & you don´t want to continue the conversation.

It´s not about your daughter, is it?

She hates your MIL & can´t/won´t hide it for your or your husband´s sakes-not much thought for you going on there!

kitsmummy · 07/12/2011 13:56

You can't really blame your MIL for talking loudly - if I was her and knew that your mum hated me and made it really really obvious, then I'd let her know that I was visiting. Poor lady. You should really have it out with your mum, you're right, she's acting like a child.

NatashaBee · 07/12/2011 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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