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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not be my friends 'Best Woman' at wedding?

15 replies

picalooo · 06/12/2011 23:12

One of my friends is getting married (well a civil partnership).
I have known her for a few years now (about 6)
And she asked me tonight if I would like to be her 'best woman'.
I said that i didn't know where I would be (maybe moving to states, so wont know where I will be - job, home and leave wise) so I will think about it and get back to her.

Except I HATE her partner.
She is very rude and crass and will occassionly be racist.
I have invited them to parties at mine before (i'm the person who throws them) and everyone found her the same (she is especially rude to my male friends - one of which is my best friend and has called them names to their faces in my house before)

She controls my friend - decides what they do, if they 'can' come to things, I never see my friend alone now (not even for lunch - we met through work and still work together at same company, we use to met for lunch) and they are always togther.

On top of that her partner is just not my cup of tea - we have nothing in common and just not the type of person I would chose to spend time together otherwise.

When she and my friend first got together and she did the whole 'so what do you think?' I did share some of my concerns - mainly about the racism and controlling aspect but friend just brushed it off.

I will go to the Wedding to give my friend my support, I don't think I can stand next to her and sign along side of them - that is more than giving my support.

AIBreallyU?

OP posts:

BurntToffee · 06/12/2011 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2011 23:18

YANBU to dislike her DP but imo YABU to allow your feelings to stop you supporting your friend in the way she's asking.

I was bridesmaid to my best friend when she married a total cunt muppet...but she loved him and it was their special day so I sucked it up and got on with it.

I don't regret it for a minute even though they're happily divorced now.

imightbeaspy · 06/12/2011 23:40

I wouldn't tell her why you truely cant but if you feel you cant be her best woman then dont (you do have the excuse of US to use) - i think it is more than just being a guest as well.

squeakytoy · 07/12/2011 00:06

I would be honest. I would say it as nicely as I could, but I would still say what I felt.

Kiwiinkits · 07/12/2011 00:12

If you've never told your friend what you think of her partner, try to find a way to gently bring it up. Sometimes people are so blinded by love they don't see what's right in front of them. A friend's opinion might be the difference between a just-in-time escape and a sh*tty relationship. A statement like, "so-and-so is quite forceful sometimes, isn't she?" might help...? Tricky one.
I would decline and say that while you'd love to be there for her, as there is a possibility you won't be in the country you feel like you have to decline. You don't want to mess up her planning, after all.

iscream · 07/12/2011 04:12

You care too much about your friend to be happy she is marrying a person you don't like at all.
I understand how it must make you feel.

It is a difficult situation, diplomacy is a must.
Will ask my dh, he is the most diplomatic person I know.

I think I would probably accept standing for her myself. Let this controlling person see she has people who will back her up when needed. And you will be able to be there for her if the marriage fails.

dancingmustard · 07/12/2011 04:37

Best woman?
The worlds gone mad :)
Is she always rude to males?
I'd better shut up before the gods strike me deaf and mute.

iscream · 07/12/2011 04:50

I asked dh, he thinks making excuses about not sure you will be able to fulfill any commitments due to possible conflicts with the possible move would be what he'd say.

slavetofilofax · 07/12/2011 08:23

This is a subject close to my heart, so I will just give my thoughts instead of what I think you should do because I really don't know.

At my wedding I was given away/walked down the aisle by a friend's Dad. He was a close friend too, and a bit like a surrogate dad, and my Dad is no longer with us. He didn't like me DH, and I believed, as I still do, that he was unjustified in his dislike of my DH. There were some long and complicated things going on at the time. Anyway, this friend told me that he wanted to be there for me on my wedding and didn't want to let me down, but he made it clear that he didn't really want to 'give' me to my DH, because he didn't like him. He left it up to me, and I said I still wanted him to give me away. Part of me is glad that I made that descision, a bigger part of me wished that I had only had people close to us on our wedding day that truly supported both of us and wanted the best for both of us. This man died unexpectedly less than a year after our wedding, so things never had time to get resolved by him and DH. Looking back on the wedding video, it was clear tha he was uncomfortable.

I think you need to talk to your friend, with plenty of time for her to make other arrangements before the wedding. She needs to know how you feel, and should be given the chance to decide if she wants someone supporting her who doesn't support her partner too. Then if you can bring yourself to truly support her, then do it. But only do it if you feel 100% comfortable with it, otherwise it would be unfair on both of them.

TeWiharaMeriKirihimete · 07/12/2011 08:28

I think that you should do it.

Controlling personalities can be a warning sign of much worse to come - hopefully it won't. But if it does, she will need you and your support. Refusing to be her BW might make her feel like she can't turn to you in a crisis.

(I put up with my BIL who I would happily nominate for arsehole of the year for similar reasons.)

mumofthreekids · 07/12/2011 08:39

Good post by slavetofilofax. How about if you say that you would like to support your friend but do have reservations about her partner (perhaps just the "not my cup of tea" bit rather than all the racism / controlling stuff). Say you felt you had to be honest with her. Then ask your friend to decide.

samandi · 07/12/2011 09:06

I wouldn't do it. A best woman should be fully supportive of the ceremony, and if you can't be that it's unfair to both you and your friend.

2rebecca · 07/12/2011 09:13

I wouldn't do it. I think you have to support their choice in this role. I would tell her that I'm going to be busy at that time and also that I don't like her partner and will find it hard to say anything positive about her choosing to be with this woman who is restricting her social life.
Yes this will affect the friendship as you will no longer be someone she sees as her "best woman", but it sounds as though the friendship is over if she stays with this woman anyway if they always go everywhere 2 by 2 now.

Original poster

picalooo · 07/12/2011 19:15

Thank you all for your replies - a lot to think about

dancing mustad huh?? (but yes for the rude to men - when me bestfriend and his wife anouced to everyone the other week that they are pregnant at mine - she turned around and called him a dirty-rapist - all too seriously)
kiwi i did when they started seeing each other - but maybe i should try again.

OP posts:

MountainDew · 07/12/2011 19:33

Close to my heart too.
My DH and I were asked to be best man and bridesmaid to a couple. For various reasons we didn't feel we should. Similar reasons you list OP. He is controlling. He was an old school friend of DH's. Decent enough friend, but nasty piece of work as a partner.

We backed out. Everything backfired. They were VERY upset about it, and it caused no end of problems. They needed to know exactly why. After deliberation we told them the truth. Didn't go down well, as I'm sure you can imagine!

We are no longer friends with either of them. :(

That is the likely outcome. If you are ok with that, then don't be the best woman.

DH has a mantra - honesty gets you the relationship you deserve. In this case our honesty lost us friendships, but really, with our feelings about them, it was right to end the friendships. Well, his friendship. Do we really want to be friends with someone who treats his girlfriend/wife in that way? No. We all got what we deserved in the end. *

*Except her. If he turns out to be as abusive and controlling as we suspect I just hope she remembers she can come to us for help.

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