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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my DH should understand our DD by now

6 replies

lettingitallgonow · 06/12/2011 22:02

by that I mean shouldn't he understand how she thinks, feels or reacts to certain situations a bit better?

For example, tonight she goes off to bed ok, she's a bit under the weather and has a cough, we gave her some cough medicine before she went and she went straight to sleep. A couple of hours later she's coughing really badly so we both end up in her room. I sit her up and rub her back as she's half asleep, off he goes to the bathroom to get her some water, he offers it to her but she doesn't want it, he tries again to offer it but she starts shaking her head and getting het up making her cough more, he then starts to insist she drinks it so she starts crying which makes her cough worse. I tell him to leave it, she calms down and goes back to sleep.

I know it's no big deal but this happens most mornings, ends up in an argument and he simply doesn't seem to read the situation or understand if he needs to change tact as he's aggravating the situation.

She's 4 so I get that she can't get her own way and he needs her to understand he's the adult etc, but sometimes it's a case of picking your battles and understanding that there is more than one way to do things.

We both work so it's not like I spend more time with her than she does.

Am i being picky or expecting too much from him? I'm just getting fed up of listening to the pair of them bickering all the time, I will always back him up in front of her so she doesn't get mixed messages but I sometimes find myself cringing and I don't want to appear to nag. What's the best way to approach it?

OP posts:
lettingitallgonow · 06/12/2011 22:03

Sorry I should put that the way he reacts to her is generally born out of concern and wanting to do the right thing by her.

OP posts:
LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 06/12/2011 22:04

You don't both need to be in her room?

1Catherine1 · 06/12/2011 22:29

Your DH sounds like he means well and perhaps you should pick your battles too. Avoid the confrontations by splitting jobs. Me and my OH both work full time so split the primary caregiver role 50-50. As LineRunner pointed out perhaps it was not necessary for both of you to be tending to her. One would be less stimulus for her anyway.

I don't really think it is a matter of him not knowing her but we all have different ideas of what is best. He sounds very caring and attentive to want to just be there for her when she is poorly even though you had it covered. Perhaps it would be nice to focus on his positives. Personally I think you are being a little unreasonable.

SamMiguel · 06/12/2011 22:34

I find this with dh and, in particular, ds2. He is occasionally the same with ds1 but not as much. Ds1 and dh are ver similar, personality-wise and sometimes I struggle to understand their thought processes. Ds2, on the other hand, is much more like me, I find myself able to understand exactly why he reacts the way he does to a particular situation, almost like second nature. Dh, on the other hand, just gets frustrated with him and they end up in conflict with dh escalating an (in my opinion) easy-to-diffuse situation. I don't know the solution, except to keep talking. Talk throught the situations and work out together what went wrong and maybe what could be done differently. Doesn't always work but we muddle through. (ds2, by the way, adores his Daddy and Daddy adores him)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2011 22:37

Umm... difficult.

How would YOU feel, OP if you tried to give your daughter something or do something that you thought was good for her but made her cry/get upset - and your DH dismissed you, telling you to 'leave it'?

If you'd take it on the chin then fair enough but it's painful for a parent to watch a poorly child and be helpless. I personally think that coughing is no bad thing - getting up whatever is down there is the body's way. Your back-rubbing probably did that.

Just be mindful of how you'd feel if your DH treated you in the way you treated him... most mums I know would be very upset.

Hope your daughter is better soon.

lettingitallgonow · 06/12/2011 22:39

Thanks for the responses and reading back I think IABU (well a little anyway) and maybe making something of nothing..

Maybe I need to chill out and concentrate on the fact that, at least he's trying to help, and there's nothing wrong with that.

OP posts:
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