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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 'a few nights in a b&b' is rude in these circumstances

51 replies

GeorgeEliot · 05/12/2011 21:00

DH's recently divorced American cousin and her recently widowed mother are coming to stay with us for 5 nights over New Year period, DH is very close to the family and this has been planned for several months partly as something nice for them after losing their father/husband.
Cousin recently met new bloke, and asked if he could come too - we said no problem, we'd love to meet him, he'd be very welcome etc.
DH just got email from new bloke asking us to recommend a local B&B so he and cousin can spend 'at least a few nights' alone together. They are only staying with us for 5 nights altogether, and as they are travelling from the West Coast don't know when we'll see them again.
We have plenty of space, so that is not the issue (2 spare bedrooms with double beds and spare bathroom).

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 05/12/2011 21:17

I'll join the choir of not-rude. I can see where you're coming from, but spending more than a day in company makes me want to poke my own eyes out. As long as you have some sort of plan so you all know more or less when you'll be seeing each other, I don't see the problem.

blackoutthexmaslights · 05/12/2011 21:18

not rude at all!!!

would you really want to spend 5 nights with your partners family that you haven't met before?

i know i wouldn't

thisisyesterday · 05/12/2011 21:18

if he doesn't want to spend time with them then he could just not go!

it's a bit off to spoil a holiday that someone else has planned just cos you can't bear 5 days away from your new girlfriend Hmm

squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 21:19

I dont think it is at all rude. It is also very common American behaviour for houseguests who you have not yet met to contact you personally before they arrive rather than through the person you know. It is politeness on their part.

he may well be more than happy to stay with you, but would just like you not to think he is cheekily imposing, and wants to give you the opportunity to have a get out clause of a B & B for them in case you were not happy with him coming and had felt a bit forced into it..

whomovedmychocolate · 05/12/2011 21:19

Is new boyfriend religious, perhaps he feels bad about staying in the same room when unmarried. There will be a reason behind this. Make it clear he's welcome and make recommendations too - and don't take it personally. The fact he respects your home and everyone's feelings is a good thing not a bad thing.

Don't underestimate the cultural differences either, or you will indeed spend all the holiday period wrong footing each other. :)

exoticfruits · 05/12/2011 21:20

I think they are being very polite and agree with squeakytoy.

DamnBamboo · 05/12/2011 21:22

Don't see where it said he didn't want to spend time with them.

Just said 'a few nights along together' the clue in there for me is nights, so presumably they will meet during the day.

OP needs to clarify, if she even knows.

Where did it says he couldn't bear 5 days away from his new GF? You are making a lot of assumptions thisis

DamnBamboo · 05/12/2011 21:23

FWIW, I don't know how I'd feel about being a house-guest in someone's house if I'd never met them.

thisisyesterday · 05/12/2011 21:26

that was in reply to the person who said maybe he didn't want to stay with them.
if he didn't want to stay with them he could have told the cousin he didn't want to go. rather than come and then insist they spend their time elsewhere.

DamnBamboo · 05/12/2011 21:32

Why can't he meet them and spend time with them during the day?
What s wrong with this? Genuine question.

I actually don't get it and would also consider this to be acceptable so where is the rudeness by meeting them, spending time with them but just not sleeping there?

whomovedmychocolate · 05/12/2011 21:35

Also maybe he snores or is a secret superhero who wears tights at nights Grin

2rebecca · 05/12/2011 22:03

I don't think it sounds rude, I presume it's a holiday for them all as well as visiting family and if he doesn't know you and their relationship is new then some time together in the evening for them sounds fine. If the mother wasn't happy then she shouldn't have agreed to him coming. I think if you entertain mum and they are together it may make mum feel less of a gooseberry for a few days.

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 05/12/2011 22:25

I don't think this is rude. They want to swing from the chandeliers, and din't want to embarrass anyone in the process. Plus it saves them from having to make that tricky 'It's 10am, how much longer can we keePp doing filthy thing before our hostess makes a catsbumface and puts the marmalade away?' judgement call, as well as saving you from the need to make a catsbumface.

They're not turning up and then spending all their time in their room, they're not cancelling at the last minute, they're making arrangements so they can visit and combine family, social interaction with plenty of shagging and reasonable privacy. I think yabu.

rubyrubyruby · 05/12/2011 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarianneM · 05/12/2011 22:33

I'm with you OP, I wouldn't like it. They are coming to see you after all, right?, if they wanted a romantic break alone together why arrange to come to see you? They must know that you are expecting them and hoping to see much of them. If they stay in a B&B and are a new couple I doubt you will see much of them. And to dump the mother on you on her own - not good manners at all.

I think it's out of order that whenever a new person waltzes on the scene all other people (family, friends) go out of the window. Speaking from experience...

Dozer · 05/12/2011 22:37

Think this is a cultural difference, sounds like an american approach, not rude imo.

ledkr · 05/12/2011 22:42

Not rude,they have told you they want to spend some nights together,very normal id say.
I am actually very very jealous.This weekend i will have to accomodate pil and bil with no spare bedroom and a tv hogging habit.
I am spending the night at my friends because i literally cant stand it.

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2011 23:17

So, American family members have arranged to visit for 5 nights.
Cousin now invites new man.
Arrangements are now being changed because a) possibly he feels uncomfortable with people he hasn't met or b) they can't keep their hands off each other.

Either way, it's rude. The arrangements were made before he was around. A 'few nights' is a lot out of 5 and presumably the OP and husband were looking forward to the visit.
If they're that desperate to get at each other, I suggest Cousin and b/f stay at home!

HeadsRollingInTheAisles · 05/12/2011 23:24

I don't think it's rude. And if they still live on the US probably get max 10 days holiday a year, if that, so reasonable to want some alone time.

Pandemoniaa · 05/12/2011 23:31

I don't think it is rude. Quite the opposite, in fact. It sounds as if the new chap is keen not to be a burden on hosts he has never met.

I'm rather amused by the assumption that he is rude because I can only imagine the chorus of disapproval if the original post had gone along the lines of:

"We invited my cousin and her recently bereaved mother to stay. She's now bringing some bloke we have never met and expects him to stay in our house!"

Cue many emboldened WTF!!!! and "Your house, your rules" type of response, I suspect.

mercibucket · 05/12/2011 23:32

Yes, as headsrolling says, this is prob their main holiday so not at all unreasonable to want a bit of privacy of an evening. Also quite likely he is just offering a get out clause in case you feel pressured to have him stay

LinusVanPelt · 05/12/2011 23:41

I agree with most that there's nothing rude about it. Also, very good point raised by HeadsRolling that this is probably their only holiday for the year.

The fact that he is willing to spend the bulk of his time off this year getting to know his new girlfriend's far-away extended family is enough to make me think you could cut him a bit of slack, OP.

AitchTwoOHoHoHo · 05/12/2011 23:43

it's their holiday, after all, probably costing them a fortune in fares etc, they want to get the best shagging value out of it. i really don't think it's rude, i'd be relieved.

rubyrubyruby · 06/12/2011 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatmeworry · 06/12/2011 09:02

I think they are being very reasonable tbh.