Much Needed Advice Please

[missstripeysocks]

Need some advice on this please.my son has just dropped the bombshell that he has got a girl pregnant he is only 18 and had only been seeing her for weeks! Needless to say I am devastated by this as I brought him up to know better,the problem I have is that she was seeing someone else at the same time who spent the night there..it then transpires this boy said he saw her a few times not realising she was seeing my son I know this because he is a friend of my daughters..concerned she told me this because perhaps this baby might not be my sons..After dropping the bombshell my son didnt bother coming back to explain anymore so I sent him a private message asking if he was sure that the baby was his as she had been seeing someone else at the same time..not bothered by me asking he said yes it is...however a few weeks later she snooped into his private mail and read what I asked what has followed was awful she is demanding I apologise and told my son he was to come up to my house while he shouted at me and his sister whilst she watched..she says I am horriblle and am never allowed to see this baby..I feel so upset because I am sorry that she read this message but I dont think I should have to be made to feel so bad for asking out of geniune concern for my son I am not a horriblle mum just a concerned mum because he has told me he doesnt even love her and that he can grow to love her in 9 months..it all feels so out of control ..I guess I am asking should I just apologise to keep the peace ...It worrys me that the poor child is being used as a pawn before it is even born and I can see 9 months of them kicking off! Am I being totally unreasonable...?

He doesnt need to love her, he doesnt need to be with her.. .but if that child is his, he needs to financially support it.

YANBU, if she has been sleeping with two men, she needs to get a paternity test done when the child is born. Your son can offer to pay for it.

None of this is the fault of the baby, and it will be your grandchild if it is your sons baby, so try not to burn too many bridges until you find out for sure, or you could end up never seeing the baby.

YANBU to ask him. Would she have preferred you ask her or her mother?

Are you able to perhaps speak to her mother, the daughter may legally be an adult but she isn't displaying a great deal of maturity.

I totally agree however my son says he wont be doing a test because he says it is his..And I know it would be my grandchild ..I just dont know how I am ever going to know for sure..the problem is she is demanding that I apologise or I will never see the child...and the problem I have with that is that she read a private message between me and my son I only asked because I care as a mum....I just dont know what to do? Ive told my son the door is always open and he could bring her up and I will explain my fears but this is still not good enough..

Thaks honeydragon also forgot to mention this is the third child by a differant father which really shouldnt matter because if its his its his...the girl is 23..and her mother is a bit scary to ask..

Personally, I really think UhaveNBU asking about the rumours. They are going to have to face much harder questions a long the line than that. They are going to need a huge amount of support, they are foolish to start burning bridges like this.

Also what will she do if the other boy or hid family demand a paternity test?

The other boy doesnt know she is pregnant yet and has moved away...such a mess..

Xpost. On the latter info she needs to grow the fuck up, concentrate on supporting your son he needs to you. Do not be blackmailed about your grandchild yet. At 23 she knows exactly what she is doing to you.

And ((hugs)), hopefully lots of clever people who know more about these situations will have some good advice for you

Is there a reason why your son is so certain it's his? Because it at least seems possible that it might not be based on what you've said.

Regardless, she wouldn't be getting an apology from me! She was in the wrong by snooping, I've done it myself in the past - snooped and then read something about myself that I wished I hadn't. I certainly didn't go demanding an apology for it though!

I will always support my son no matter what but because she is going off her head after reading the message i sent him he now is agreeing with her and saying its my fault for asking...even though he wasnt bothered when i asked him weeks ago...

momnipotent he is very immature for his age and is saying he is taking her for her word because she said she didnt sleep with the other boy...

I am always surprised these days by the number of people these days who go ahead with unplanned pregnancies. Is there any way she could terminate as it still seems to be very early days? If not, a DNA test is definitely required.

richlinn I totally agree but she is determined to go ahead and neither agree to a dna test...

Ok, so he's having a go because she has told him too? Seriously, just remind him you are there to support them, particularly him. Not be blackmailed.

I agree Honeydragon...I did say this but he walked off and he hasnt been back in touch because he is pissed off I wont apologise to her..

He is pissed at you because she is making his life a misery over it perhaps? If he's going to be a father he can't rely on mum to fix everything. 'specially when you are not in the wrong she was

I'd keep your distance from her for now, but support your son as he gets involved to whatever extent he can be. You don't need to have anything to do with her. Supporting your son will help him make good choices (and not angry choices or anxious choices if that makes sense).

My brother was 16 when his 18 year old girlfriend got pregnant and my beautiful niece is now 10 and has a good relationship with both parents, even - though they're not together - and the extended family, it has been bumpy at times for them but it is a long game. Hope things get better for you all.