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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say thank you but no

18 replies

Cazm2 · 05/12/2011 12:07

i am 6 months pregnant with my first child, MIL is a pain the rectum.

My mum over the weekend gave me some money so we could buy a small tumble dryer as we havent got one and is useful with baby on the way. MIL piped up yesterday despite knowing for the past however many weeks that we are goign to get one. oh i have one in the spare room that i dont use its been there for 3 years WTF? she kept on and on in front of my mum about going to get it from hers. i said why did you say before when you knew we were wanting one? to which i had no response.

i feel in an awkward position as we have the money from my mum and we have seen the one we want its small and £100 and brand new. i dont know what my MIL's is like working etc also how does she dry her clothes? i know you shouldnt look a gift horse in the mouth but i feel this is more about getting one over on my mum with stuff for the baby as she hasnt mentioned it before. she also has a lovely way of making you feel very beholden when she gives you anything.

she has gone ahead and bought baby bath etc when we all had a chat during dinner one day and say we didnt want one she just doesnt listen to anything we say.

my DH never likes to say no to his mum. and i am slightly pissed off that she hasnt mentioned this before despite having had it apparently in her spare room for 3 years!!!

OP posts:

bigbadbarry · 05/12/2011 12:09

YANBU - don't get het up just say thank you but we don't need it.

AKMD · 05/12/2011 12:09

YANBU. Presents with strings attached are awful.

Original poster

Cazm2 · 05/12/2011 12:11

i guess i just pissed off as DH doesnt back me up and say thank you but no we now have one and he wont listen to me! long culmination of things with MIL but actually i just feel that generally if we give in as it were on this it will be the start of many things!

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 05/12/2011 12:13

Go with brand new but thank MIL for her offer.

I'm not in the slightest bit paranoid about second hand electrical goods but having had two elderly tumble dryers die on me - both expiring with last gasps of nasty, acrid, burny smoke - if I had the option of the new dryer, that's the one I'd accept.

You can always say that the model you've chosen fits the space for it or is more economical to run or some other perfectly valid reason.

MyRealName · 05/12/2011 12:13

What does your mum think?

Original poster

Cazm2 · 05/12/2011 12:16

my mum said thats fine go and have a look at it and put the money towards something esle. thing is i have already had money from my mum for our pram and i would rather it went on tumble dryer as she has always said she would buy us one, she bought my sister one too. i just feel a bit stuck with it all. i said to my mum i would give her the money back if we had the other one i just feel embarassed that it was brought up in front of my mum and MIL knows that we have been looking at one.

OP posts:

StrictlySazz · 05/12/2011 12:20

If a free tumble drier works, then i'm afraid i would have to go with that. It seems a bit mad to spend money just to prove a point. You Mum sounds very sensible BTW and a lovely lady.

You can then say 'thanks MIL, lovely gesture. We have bought X with the money which (as you know) Mum had given to us for one.' Smile sweetly from your moral high ground.

TheSecondComing · 05/12/2011 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldGreyWassailTest · 05/12/2011 12:24

I would get the new one, honestly. If MIL has known for ages that you want one and hasn't offered until your Mum gave you the money, then I would ignore her offer.

Original poster

Cazm2 · 05/12/2011 12:29

no my mum gave us some money towards a pram of our choice no stipulations like with my sister, she was goign to do this before i lost our first baby too. she didnt fully pay for it all.

i am not unhappy with a babybath i am unhappy with the fact that our wishes get ignored and she goes ahead and does what she wants anyway despite myself and DH already saying things we had bought etc

i dont know how long the tumble dryer has been sitting around etc? what we if we have it and it packs up after a month. i am not keeping more money from my mum so i wouldnt go back to her and say actually mum can we have that money now as the tumble dryer has packed up!

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 05/12/2011 12:33

Don't allow yourself to be drawn into this competitive stuff. You want a new tumble dryer, you buy one using the money your mother has kindly offered. End of story. MIL can, with respect, do one - and as a MIL myself I don't say this lightly! Opting out of the nonsense is the only way you'll keep your self respect.

ArtVandelay · 05/12/2011 12:34

Go with what makes YOU happy. Set a precedent of saying thanks but no thanks and things will be easier in the future.

My MIL asked me what I wanted for a wedding present and I told her I wanted WMF pans which she ignored. She then didn't buy us anything until 6 weeks after the wedding when she phoned DH and offered him a deep-fat fryer or a sandwich toaster. We said thanks but not to bother as we would never use those things. She had a few more stabs at selling the deep fat fryer idea and then we heard nothing for another month when she transferred some money to DH's bank account.

It was strange because it was quite a lot and much more than a deep-fat fryer! I went out and bought the pans (in the sale by this time!) and we called her and thanked her. All she could say was - "you didn't need those pans, there was nothing wrong with your old ones" and took the huff. It blew over.

Anyway, the purpose of my rambling tale was just to demonstrate that some MILs and Mums try to control your house as an extension of their own - its very annoying but you don't have to take any notice of them :) I get an extra buzz out of using my 'naughty' pans and I'm sure you'll love your 'naughty' new dryer.

MyRealName · 05/12/2011 12:35

I've had situations like this, and it is infuriating and embarrassing.

But- since your MIL mentioned it in front of your mum, you don't have the awkwardness of deciding whether/how to tell your mum about the situation, she already knows. If she is happy with it, I would have a look at MIL's tumble dryer. If it is anything other than in tip top condition (old and busted electricals not worth the hassle), I would politely decline her offer. Use an excuse, like not fitting the gap you have, if you need to make it easier on yourself, but probably best to be honest and say you would prefer a new one. Then don't be made to feel bad/guilty, try not to mention the sodding dryer again! If it is pristine, ask her one last time if she is sure she is happy for you to have it and accept. And try not mention the sodding dryer again! Then give your mum the money back, or if it makes her feel better, keep it and save it for the next big purchase- there will be plenty.. carseat/bouncer/pushchair/highchair?

This is what I would do. But you know your MIL. If you don't get on that well, or she is trying to really wind your mum/you up, just tell her straight that all your tumble dryer needs are fulfilled, thank you.

Here's the important bit, regardless of what you do: in future, don't mention plans to your MIL until they are finalised (or you are genuinely droppng hints. Good luck.

octopusinabox · 05/12/2011 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 05/12/2011 12:41

Go with the new one that comes with a warranty. If MIL's breaks down in a few weeks or months how would you feel asking your Mum for the £100 back?

Original poster

Cazm2 · 05/12/2011 12:49

i did say yesterday that mum had already give us the money and we would probably go with the new one, but she went on and on at DH and he just caves in! i just know we will end up having MIL one cos Dh wont upset her. it will just be a constant arguement which is another state of affairs.

OP posts:

ArtVandelay · 05/12/2011 15:50

Then you need to make your DH dread YOUR disapproval more than he dreads his mother's

whoneedssleepanyway · 05/12/2011 16:43

having had a tumble drier catch fire on my I would go with the new one....

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