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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset FIL let slip what DP has got me for Xmas

33 replies

tardisjumper · 05/12/2011 11:10

We had DP's parents round yesterday for lunch and a present swap before Xmas, as we are going on the train and it's easier for them to take some now.

They came through the door and one of the first thing his Dad said was 'oh I see we have a delivery of xxx coming to the house for Christmas'.

I pretended that I hadn't heard but was really upset, and sad for DP as its quite an expensive present that he must have put some thought into.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable as I used to find DP's parents hard work but have worked to get on with them and thought I had suceeded. But they spent yesterday being rude, overbearing, racist and pretentious (think shaking finger at me while telling me that women should not be allowed to choose whether to wear burkhas or not). I don't know if I am letting that colour it more.

I am now worried about Xmas, as we are going to them and it will be my first Xmas away from my family. I have tried so hard to like them but I am just so cross!

OP posts:

pommedechocolat · 05/12/2011 11:12

They sound horrible! Sounds like he did it on purpose too.

I'd say to your dh that you are worried about Xmas with them because if their horrible viewpoints and aggression.

SenoritaViva · 05/12/2011 11:18

Yes, I'd be most disappointed about a lovely surprise being ruined.

On the Christmas, first away from your family thing...

You will hate it. I remember having a horribly lonely Christmas with DH's family (we lived abroad in his country) and they were lovely. It wasn't Christmas as I knew it and it felt so unfamiliar and just a bit wrong. Sorry, I'm just preparing you for it. If this is the beginnings of your marriage then I would discuss with DH BEFORE this Christmas about how you might split your time (e.g. one year his family, one year yours and one year just you - or whatever). The thing is, it is his family and once you're in a partnership and so you do have to compromise.

I'd avoid all political/religious conversations at Christmas, take some good books and have the odd headache and lie down in your bedroom.

Original poster

tardisjumper · 05/12/2011 11:19

I did mention that I was a bit upset by Fil's behaviour yesterday but he adores them and they adore him and he gets v upset.

The prob is FIL considers himself v intelligent and therefore thinks he is doing us a favour by lecturing us. DP says that my family are not opinionated and mind their ps and qs. Which if anyone knew my family is ridiculous! They are all deeply opinionated politicinas and academics who don't shy away from controversy but do listen to other people. I am not thick and I find being lectured at by an arrogent man hard work.

Any tips on how to buck up for Xmas????

OP posts:

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 05/12/2011 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 05/12/2011 11:35

It's annoying, but FIL's general behaviour would be harder to tolerate than spoiling a surprise present. I have a similar issue with PIL. In my case, DH has totally different political views but does not engage with them after many years of failing to have an intelligent conversation with them. Sometimes I do rise to it as I find the racism deeply distressing. They don't have respect for education or professionals so always think they know better than teachers, doctors etc. I could go on!

It's an ongoing battle for me, but all I can advise is steering the conversation to neutral topics, and if you disagree, pick your battles. Make it something which you have clear examples/arguments for so that you can present your side in an objective way. But ultimately you won't change their views unfortunately, so you have to accept that - and feel grateful your own family have brought you up the way they have.

Oh, I do recommend lots of lie downs and book reading. For me there are only so many episodes of 'The Cube' and 'Animals do the funniest things' I can tolerate. In my house it's acceptable to read a book/newspaper in the lounge so I don't care if they think I'm weird!

FredFredGeorge · 05/12/2011 11:39

You'll probably find out he bought from xxx for his mum and you got a pair of socks, try not to be disappoined.

StepAwayFromTheMincePies · 05/12/2011 11:45

how to survive... take your own supply of alcohol and go for a long bath, take bottle with you! smile a lot and ring your family whenever you get the chance. it will be bad but if you and DP have a future you need to learn how to tolerate them. good luck, don't rise to the bait.

redwineformethanks · 05/12/2011 11:55

I'm in the minority here, but I wouldn't assume that he deliberately spoiled the surprise. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. In a long term relationship, part of the deal is compromising, and I think spending Christmas with your in laws is part of the deal. It wouldn't be fair on your DP if he always had to spend Christmas with your side of the family. On these points, I'd say YABU and these are not big things to get stressed about. However I have more sympathy for the bigger picture ie racist comments

Original poster

tardisjumper · 05/12/2011 12:06

@redwine I haven't assumed it was deliberate, but it was an odd thing to do. Even if it was an accident, which it may well have been, he didn't apologise when DP told him to be quiet, he just laughed.

I do realise that we have to comprimise, and this is our first xmas together, even though we have been together for several years so we have put this off!

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girlywhirly · 05/12/2011 13:03

How old is FIL? I ask because some people feel that their great age gives them the right to preach and have the last word and always be right. My lovely FIL in his 80's used to come out with the most ridiculous statements and wild generalisations, prompted by what he read in a certain newspaper, and with no other sources to back up his claims. Occasionally I would engage in a mild debate, but sometimes it was just easier to accept he was being silly and not pay attention, or leave the room on some other pretext, or just change the subject.

I think that removing yourself from the room is a good thing, you could help in the kitchen or offer to make everyone a cuppa, decide you and DP could do with some fresh air, have a snooze, bath etc. How long are you going for, could you cut back the duration of the visit?

Yes I would be annoyed that FIL had spoiled the surprise, but I think that's the least of your worries. Getting through Christmas at the PIL is the main concern. I would say to DP that you found yesterday unpleasant because of the things his parents said, and hope that Christmas will not be more of the same. If he cares about you, he will try to help you cope.

Original poster

tardisjumper · 05/12/2011 16:47

He is 60. It's not sweeping statements just generally being domineering.

DP's brother and girlfriend, who I haven't met before will be there. It will be interesting to see the dynamic with them...

OP posts:

ViviPrudolf · 05/12/2011 17:15

Without wanting to sound like a patronising old goat (which I invariably will do) I had precisely your attitude to DPs parents when we were 2-3 years in. I really wanted to get along with them as family is important to me and I've always enjoyed good relationships with the parents of the 2 long-term boyfriends I'd had before. I also thought it would be nice to get to know and be part of a new family.

I tried to rise above their irritating ways, rudeness and lack of inter-personal skills, i.e. 'buck up' as you've said. But by year 5/6 I acknowledged that being in their presence simply made me thoroughly miserable and simultaneously agitated and while I can bear being miserable and agitated once or twice a year to maintain a cordial relationship, I REFUSE to be miserable at Christmas. And now, 8 years on, I'm not going to be.

God sorry to have written such a negative post, that's really not like me, but I don't actually think there's anything you can do, and you shouldn't give yourself too much of a hard time taking it upon yourself to make it work.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 05/12/2011 17:23

I'd prepare myself in advance. If you're anything like me you will hate it. I thought I'd cope but ended up crying in the bathroom the first time I did it. It didn't feel like Christmas at all.

I would make sure you've arranged that your family will have a Christmas meal when you see them after Christmas. If possible, save their presents until you visit so that you can give and open gifts. Then you can treat Christmas with your ILs as a rehearsal.

Make sure you have an mp3 player and headphones and a book. Even if you're not listening to anything/reading you can use them to get a little peace. Ask your DH about how they spend Christmas day. What time do they eat? Do the men go off to the pub? If there's a dog, offer to walk it if you need to get out for a while. If they play board games pick up a new one to take. Throw yourself into their way of doing Christmas.

Original poster

tardisjumper · 05/12/2011 17:27

@vivi Not patronising at all! The reason I am asking iibU is because I don't think this is malicious or sepcifically aimed at me. He was being rude to MIL to and she is generally ok and when they are not being buggers they are v generous towards us. I just find it so hard to not get cross!

OP posts:

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 05/12/2011 17:30

Oi, ViviPrudolf, please tell me of your Christmas monkfish plans.

I asked on the other thread.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 05/12/2011 17:31

With my FIL it's about getting just the right amount of alcohol into him so he falls asleep.

diddl · 05/12/2011 17:38

I think I´d just walk away when FIL started going on about something & find something else to do.

Or ignore him & focus on MIL if you get on OK with her.

otisreading · 05/12/2011 18:16

Oh just tell him he is being a racist domineering etc., old codger. He probably won't even notice if you say it with a firm voice and a smile. Don't spend your life fearing what he is going to say next. Your husband cannot be upset with you for speaking your truth. A differing viewpoint isn't gonna kill him. Tell him to use his breath for cooling his soup.

spatchcock · 05/12/2011 20:23

I feel for you, my first Christmas with DP's family was difficult (my family are abroad) and they were lovely people.

The racist remarks would really make my blood boil. I have an uncle that likes to say things like this and I say really smug, passive-aggressive things back (because I am immature). To views on immigration/burkhas/whatever I say something in a sympathetic way like 'yes a lot of people of your generation feel that way, I think a lot of people are scared of change and that's why they have these views'. Or 'yes, a lot of people in this country have trouble understanding other cultures or other points of view'.

Original poster

tardisjumper · 05/12/2011 20:27

Thanks for help people. This has turned into a how to deal with arrogent old buggers thread!

I will be seeing my family for new year/my bday (on Jan 2!) and that will be nice.

I am going to go and pick up a bottle of rum tomorrow to take with me to propose cocktail hour should the going get too tough! I just have to remember that DP adores and respects his father immensly, and it would be greatly unfair of me to challenge that.

OP posts:

AKMD · 05/12/2011 20:30

YANBU my FIL does the whole 'lecture the little woman' thing too and it used to drive me nuts but now I just switch off, nod at intervals and shake it off.

Original poster

tardisjumper · 05/12/2011 20:51

@AKMD he does it to all of us.

The prob dp has is that he gets on really well with my family and feels I should do the same. Hell, he gets on better with my sisters than I do!

OP posts:

ViviPrudolf · 05/12/2011 21:18

Sorry, Nark, I clearly swanned off from that thread before my work there was done.

DP did a dry run of the monkfish dish of JOY on Saturday. Pan-fried (urgh cheffy term but that's what it was) in butter with capers and garlic, then roasted along with baby carrots and whole shallots and served with celeriac puree. Yes we have been watching too much masterchef lately and yes I am smug grateful to have bagged such a great cook. No turkey in this house.

OP, you have a great attitude. And at least you won't feel like you're in this freakish PIL situation that no one could ever understand which is how I felt at first, until I found MN and realised there are DiLs up and down the country enduring insufferable baby boomers.

discobeaver · 05/12/2011 21:24

Spike their egg nog with laxatives.

Original poster

tardisjumper · 05/12/2011 21:24

I hate to be ageist but it is sooo true. They are insufferable baby boombers. They seem to think that being rude and arrogent is radical and maverick. It drives me crazy!!!!

OP posts:

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