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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally exhausted by the miserable atmosphere in our house?

14 replies

TheFrogs · 05/12/2011 00:38

My kids moan and complain all the time, they just never seem to stop, nothing I do is right. They've been away for a rare weekend, the minute they came in, dd burst into tears, ds started shouting at the dog (he was clearly in a fouler). Ok now I understand it with dd, she's only 7 and doesn't get much time away from me, she'd had a great time playing with her friend. Ds (14) then said he didn't blame her, it was rubbish here with nothing to do. He really hurt my feelings because i'd missed them both so much and was really looking forward to them coming back.

So I suggested putting up the tree to cheer dd up and getting in pizza to cheer ds up. I made the mistake of wanting a different look to the (brand new) tree this year but the shiny new baubles weren't good enough, dd moaned about that. Then she moaned that ds wasn't helping, then moaned that I wasn't helping (was stringing all the bloody things at the time). Then she wanted a drink but i'd bought the wrong juice. Ds went out to meet a friend and came back in an even worse fouler because his friend had been an arse to him, then he burst into tears (he rarely cries so its pretty bad). To cut a long story short he doesn't have many friends, is lonely and takes it very personally when this lad messes him around (often). It isn't his fault I know but he takes it all out on me.

They never seem happy. No matter what activities I suggest, no matter what they are bought, no matter what trips I take them on...they treat me like shit, complain constantly and fight with each other. Yet they are so polite, well behaved and generally lovely with everyone else and do well at school. I can barely even get a laugh out of them. They make me feel awful every single day.

I probably am BU, should just suck it up and get on with it, but needed to get that out before I explode!

OP posts:
IV · 05/12/2011 00:41

Someone will be along with advice, I just wanted to leave you a and a very big glass of Wine

lisaro · 05/12/2011 00:49

They sound normal. Smile

Original poster
TheFrogs · 05/12/2011 00:55

They probably are, I just find it so hard to cope with!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 00:59

If it is any consolation. That sounds absolutely perfectly normal!

When my stepkids lived with us, there was never a time when someone wasnt moaning, or bickering, or sulking.. or complaining.... and even now they are adults, when they are all in the same room, it is still like that!

Dont feel awful.. you really are not alone! Grin

Original poster
TheFrogs · 05/12/2011 01:08

It upsets me to see them looking so unhappy all the time and I feel powerless...I cant solve ds's problems so I try to make it happy for him here at least but it seems to have no effect. I kind of hope it is normal and not something i've done wrong!

OP posts:
lisaro · 05/12/2011 01:09

In this house it's constantly whinge, moan, bitch. It does get you down, I know. My sympathy, TheFrogs, just try to rise above it occasionally. Or switch off. Not very useful, I know, but it's all I can suggest.

squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 01:13

You havent done anything wrong, from what you have posted.

He is a teenager. Nothing you do is usually right in a teens eyes unless it involves the handing over of cold hard cash, or not laying down any rules... anything else brings out the pure Kevin and Perry in them.. :)

Your boy is at an awkward age... and you are the person who he can take it out on, even when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

If you sympathise you will be in the wrong for it, and if you tell him to buck up, you will be in the wrong.... all you can do is not take it personally because it isnt. He loves you.. but you are his mother.. he is well on his way to being an adult and is struggling with his own challenges and emotions...

Original poster
TheFrogs · 05/12/2011 01:17

Kevin and Perry, yes i'd forgotten about them, wonderful to each other's parents, hateful to their own Grin

OP posts:
startail · 05/12/2011 01:18

Hugs, my DD2 can be a moaning negative little madam and school think she's such an angel.
There are defiantly days when I wish that school got grumpy small star and I got the "impeccably behaved" one.

squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 01:20

Exactly!!

And my stepson was (and still can be even though he is now 26, and a dad himself), just like that.

My friends, his grandparents, and his friends parents all though he was such a charming and polite boy... and yes, he can be.. but he can also be an absolute horror and we had many a stand up row and door slamming session.... all completely forgotten about an hour later.. until the next one!

But he did get a lot better as he grew up, and he went from fighting with his sisters (physically as well as verbally).. to being the very protective big brother and good friend that he is now.

Original poster
TheFrogs · 05/12/2011 01:37

Thinking about it, perhaps i'm projecting a tad. I always expect them to be thrilled at things like carving pumpkins and putting the tree up because I never got to do those things as a child and it would have made my day! I wanted them to grow up and have all these lovely childhood memories and I feel like when they start acting up, it kills a memory in the making and you cant undo that...it's really daft I know.

I get so many compliments about their behaviour, then they get home and turn into animals Grin

OP posts:
dancingmustard · 05/12/2011 04:24

My family are horrible at times.
I mean really horrible.
And I moan like a trooper about them to myself.
But in the end I live them and it's what families do best.
Moan that it :)

GColdtimer · 05/12/2011 04:43

You are obviously doing a lot right if they are so lovely with everyone else. Are you a single parent? If so then everything starts and stops with you and you are the focus for all their teenage and childhood angst. You could be right about the projecting. Mil does this all the time - she had such a lovely relationship with her grandmother and is trying to recreate it - and gets terribly hurt when she doesn't get the reaction she wants.

My best friend at school was like your DS. She was a horror to her poor mum. They have a fabulous relationship now, although her oldest is looking like she is going to follow in her mother's footsteps Grin

Seriously. They do love you and you sound like you are doing everything you can. Try not to invest so much in their reaction and try to expect them to react negatively. That way you will guard yourself against disappointment and be pleasantly surprised if you get a good reaction.

addictediam · 05/12/2011 05:13

Wrt the tree and pumpkin carving, its hard to be greatful for what you have always had (I'm not for a second suggesting you stop btw) you sound like a brilliant mum who wants to give her dc the best. Take the stroppy attitudes as a compliment. They feel happy, safe and secure knowing you love them. They know it doesnt matter what they take out on you you will. always love them and forgive them.

And Fwiw growing up my favorite memories are the ones where i (or my siblings) were mostly stroppy and arguing. Over time the arguments and stroppyness of the memory has faded and the tree putting up, tent erecting, getting lost in the woods part of the memories have stayed

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