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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think this friend is being a bitch?

47 replies

KittyAnne · 04/12/2011 21:18

To cut a long story short, I am the product of a single parent family and now expecting DC1, I'm not married to my DP (but settled enough and could well end up married down the line). A friend of mine, who lives (unmarried) with her DP told me today that she would only consider having a baby if she was married as to have a baby "out of wedlock isn't right", and that they are 'very traditional'. (Note: I repeat, they already live "in sin").

I think she's a mean, insensitive person for saying this when she clearly doesn't hold said values otherwise she wouldn't live with the dude now would she. (And she's shagged half the town so it's not like she's all virtuous!)

AIBU?

OP posts:

MissMogwi · 04/12/2011 22:13

Arf at wedlock! Does she also use the expression 'living over the brush'.

Miette · 04/12/2011 22:13

Why are you still friends if she has previously tried to steal a few of your boyfriends?

Letchlady · 05/12/2011 00:42

I agree with Trois - her right to have her own views and decisions.

Some people are happy to have children 'out of wedlock' as it were, and that's theirs / your decision.

Other people prefer only to have children within the confines of marriage. I too made that decision and personally would not have chosen to have got pregnant without being married first. Its not necessarily to do with sin (I note this is your interpretation, you have not attributed this to her) but could be for a whole host of reasons (I had my reasons, not to do with sin). It is a perfectly legitimate view to hold for one's one choices.

That said, the bitchy part comes from her voicing her views to you so insensitively when you are pregnant.

Mya2403 · 05/12/2011 01:41

Just nod and ignore her. It's not a huge deal. I personally wouldn't have one out of wedlock but I wouldn't force my view on others. It could be that she's not realised how insensitive she's being.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 05/12/2011 02:04

YANBU. She's a pompous arse.

I wouldn't, and didn't, have chidren outside of marriage. But bloody hell, where does she get off saying, as you quote in your OP, 'having children out of wedlock isn't right'???!!

That is massively insensitive, and also incorrect. It's her opinion maybe, but that's it; nothing more, nothing less. It clearly IS right for millions of people and their happy children.

Ignore her and let her get on with it. I'd just feel a bit sorry for her narrow-minded ways.

TheRealTillyMinto · 05/12/2011 08:16

Can i ask the posters who wouldn't have children out of wedlock, why? If a friend told me she wanted the security, that would be different than telling her what i was doing was wrong.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/12/2011 08:41

Well it's why AIBU is such a bunfight sometimes, isn't it? If you say YOU would or wouldn't do something, it's immediately translated as a judgement on everybody around you. It's a little self-absorbed, OP, to think that people are talking about you when they clearly are talking of themselves. Either take what people say at face value or just don't listen as soon as they talk about something other than you directly and then you won't get offended.

If you think your friend is a bitch, why are you a friend? I think you give as good as you get from your posts, you don't sound like a friend either.

featherbag · 05/12/2011 08:44

I've been with my DH for 11 years, we got married 15 months ago and started TTC shortly afterwards - neither of us wanted to have a baby until we were married. I don't think it's 'wrong' to have children if not married, but it would've been wrong for us. That said, your 'friend' sounds like a bitch, so YANBU.

aldiwhore · 05/12/2011 09:22

If you have a friend who is bitchy, you shouldn't listen too hard to them. I have a lovely friend who says and does thoughtless bitchy things a lot, she's still someone I love dearly, I just don't get upset at anything she insinuates, and as I live in a small village, have made it clear to her and anyone who asks that we are not twins and I don't share her views. Its makes for an interesting life!

You have a choice OP either remain friends with her, expect her to be a bitch from time to time, pull her up on it when she does and don't sink to her level. Or you can walk away. At present you do sound as bad as her (though I accept you're probably just venting).

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 05/12/2011 11:20

I'm just curious about those posting that they categorically would not have children outside of marriage... I assume you all remained chaste virgins until your wedding night?

OP I think your friend is a complete arse and I know what you mean about it feeling like your unborn baby is being insulted. My boss is one week behind me in pregnancy and likes to take every opportunity she can to tell me that she thinks having a baby out of wedlock is wrong. Mind you, she also swans off to John Lewis on a regular basis to buy baby things and comes back itching to tell me how she wouldn't have got pregnant if she couldn't afford 'the very best' for her children so I have a sneaking suspicion that she's just a fucking bitch...

featherbag · 05/12/2011 11:29

Why would you assume that Pom? For me it was about creating a stable family unit to bring children into, emulating the best example I have - my own parents. I also want my family to all have the same surname. It's about saying to the world 'we 3 are a unit, we belong together'. My reasons have absolutely nothing to do with sex and/or morality!

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 05/12/2011 11:36

I wasn't questioning morality, it just seems to me that if someone is so insistent that they want to have children within a marriage, and no birth contorl is 100% effective, if that really is the aim then they should abstain until marriage to avoid any accidents.

featherbag · 05/12/2011 11:52

TBH I hadn't thought about it until I realised I'd met the man I wanted to have children with, and it just seemed blindingly obvious to both of us that we'd get married first. As I had a contraceptive implant and was on the pill it was pretty unlikely we'd have any accidents, but we discussed it and would've gotten married during the pregnancy if we'd needed to.

Disclaimer - my choices are right for me, and reflect no judgement on my part for anyone els's choices. Frankly I couldn't care less what anyone els does!

Eggrules · 05/12/2011 12:09

Lived together, got married, bought a house and then had a baby. Had we had DS first, I'm not sure I would be married at all. IMHO there are two reasons for this:

I was already sure we would stay together; having a child together strengthened the bond and makes us a family.
Spending money on a lavish wedding seems like a waste of time now. To each there own however I am a practical soul.

Gloribe · 05/12/2011 17:20

The bitchy friend didn't say it wasn't right 'for her' she said it 'wasn't right' end of story. And that is just her being a bitter, insensitive bitch, IMO.

I don't think the OP was self absorbed. If I (hypothetical example for God's sake, before you all lose your shit) say to a fat person 'I think being fat is a really bad thing and I would never get fat'. I'd expect that person to be offended. Sure, I'm saying that being fat isn't right for ME, so that makes it all right? Like fuck it is.

Anyway, being married doesn't guarantee a stable home with happy children, just as not being married doesn't guarantee your kids will end up looting JD Sports. The ideal scenario is two happy, reasonably stable parents with a decent level of financial security who love their children and want the best for them. But this isn't always the case because general life shitness can take over. Do your best OP, and don't take too much value in the opinions of others, especially when they are clearly motivated by jealousy and not in your best interests.

molly3478 · 05/12/2011 17:38

I personally would never consider having kids without being married. Different things for different people.

diddl · 05/12/2011 17:43

I also didn´t want to get pregnant before being married-doesn´t bother me if others do though & I don´t feel the need to comment on it to them either.

Of course my PFB was v prem & arrived 7months after the wedding

ilovesprouts · 05/12/2011 17:47

shes a bitch a lass i knew said i will never have kids before i get married or live in a council house ..... but she did ,its no ones beeswax take no notice

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 05/12/2011 17:48

And yet PomBears loads and loads of people manage to have a rigorous pre-marital sex life, and still plan their family and only have children within marriage.

I wonder how they do it?!

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 05/12/2011 17:54

Again - definitely not saying one way is better than the other; just responding to Pom's point.

Must say, I find it amusing when people have a couple of 'accidents' and then bam their family is complete. No more accidents...

What exactly are they suddenly doing differently that their contraception is now so effective?

Original poster

KittyAnne · 05/12/2011 21:26

Great feedback on here, I have enjoyed reading the differing opinions, even the ones I think are just snidey bollocks :o

I think it's great and all that so many of you wouldn't even consider having kids until you're married. Good for you and I'm glad/hope that all works out.

Though some of you have missed my original point, which was nothing to do with what your personal choice is. Or whether YOU want to have a baby after a ring is on your finger or fuck away with wild abandon and no contraception while unwed. I was referring to the actual act in itself of being insensitive and denigrating one person's choice/circumstance in order to exalt your own.

As for inferring I was self obsessed, I must point out that if someone effectively tells me that my life choice 'isn't right' then I'm perfectly entitled to take that as directed at me.

OP posts:

toptramp · 05/12/2011 21:36

I would rather I was married before I had dd but I wasn't and I am still single with dd. Hey ho- I'm very lucky imo. He wanted me to get an abortion but I didn't, not only because I wanted her very much but thought about all of those couples who want to concieve but couldn't.
There is a sense of shame attached to it but nowadays I am proud for going it alone.
Nature has fuck all to do with morals and culture and everything with evolution and survival of the fittest. The best sperm won! Not the best man I might hasten to add.

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