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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really angry with family

19 replies

NameChangedForThisPost · 04/12/2011 20:01

I really, really want to post the whole story on here but I'm scared that my sister will read it and put 2 and 2 together.

Lets just say...she is financially bleeding me dry!!! As is my BIL...I must have MUG written all over me!

OP posts:

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 04/12/2011 20:03

Why do you keep giving her money?

hellhasnofury · 04/12/2011 20:04

They won't change their behaviour until you do. If they are bleeding you dry say no to future requests. Difficult to do but the only way to stop them seeing you as their own personal bank.

EcoLady · 04/12/2011 20:04

Say "No".

Original poster

NameChangedForThisPost · 04/12/2011 20:10

I have said no in the past...but they use emotive langage such as - 'need food' or 'nappies' or 'heating'. There is more money going into her house than there is coming into mine...she is just crap with money!

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 04/12/2011 20:10

Okay, I'm assuming they know you've got the money, which is why it's hard to say 'No' (been there).

So 'lose' it. Lie. Say it's now tied up in some account you can't access/you lost it all in a bad share deal or something....which is why you really need them to start paying back some of what they owe you...

Oh and btw - they WILL survive without the Bank of DSis!

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 04/12/2011 20:12

Are you giving them money or buying the nappies for them?

You need to say no. They won't manage their money better if they know they always have someone who can bail them out.

tallwivglasses · 04/12/2011 20:13

x-post. That's even more disgusting. Tell her she's a cheeky cow and send her to the CAB for help with budgetting.

InOneEar · 04/12/2011 20:14

My BIL and his wife have been the recipients of our financial help for years and years. Recently they asked us to take out a credit card for them to help them start a business. My DH said no, as we have a significant amount of debt ourselves already which we desperately want to reduce. BIL leaned on him heavily, used emotional blackmail and said that they would all be f**ked if we didn't comply. DH said no to him for the first time ever, and then sent him an email telling him he was out of order to use emotional blackmail. The upshot of all this? My BIL and his wife are now not speaking to us and our children have lost their close relationship with their cousins. I am gutted. It seems people don't thank you for all the help you've given over the years, they just crucify you for the one time you can't help. Sorry to be negative, but if they're not used to hearing the word no from you, then be prepared for fireworks.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 04/12/2011 20:19

Unless they have a gun to your head, it is your choice. They can use all the emotional blackmail in the world - it is still your choice. You have the right to say no. It is your money, not theirs and up to you what you do with it.

If you give them money because you feel guilty, or because it's easier to hand it over than face their wrath if you don't hand it over - that is still your choice.

I think that the first thing you need to do is to stop being angry with them and own the choice that you are making. Take control of that. Then when you have accepted that this is your choice, you will feel more able to decide if you want to make a different choice.

thatboysmum · 04/12/2011 20:20

You need to say no and stick with it, push through the guilt you may feel because you've refused. They will just keep on relying on you if they don't NEED to do anything about their situation because you are constantly bailing them out. I'm sure you have your own responsibilites and they are not one of them.

Original poster

NameChangedForThisPost · 04/12/2011 20:20

wow...you lot are fast! Thank you. BTHAH - I don't buy the nappies, I just hand over the money. Stupid me.

TWG. I have told lies in the past and said no money left - bussiness plan gone wrong etc but it's like they don't hear/ listen.

You're right...they won't change untill I do. As for getting the money back...forget that, it just won't happen. I have decided 2012 is the year I grow a huge fucking back bone!

OP posts:

verytellytubby · 04/12/2011 20:21

Just say no and you can't afford it.

LemonDifficult · 04/12/2011 20:22

Don't say no then. Say 'yes but as this is my savings I will need assurances that you will pay me back, would you mind putting that in writing?'

zukiecat · 04/12/2011 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 04/12/2011 20:27

They'll never stop asking while you bail them out. Been there myself. It is hard to say no but really IME it's remarkable how people who are used to bleeding others dry suddenly start managing to budget

If they keep regularly "having to ask" for hand outs to feed their DC, put nappies on their bums and heat their home then frankly they aren't very responsible parents.

spiderslegs · 04/12/2011 20:37

Funnily enough OP, I was thinking of MN whilst making the DC's supper (apropos of nothing) & made up a little ditty which went (obviously can't convey the quite brilliant tune here)

There's a word you all know
It begins with an N & it ends with an O

Have been singing it all afternoon - I give it to you as a Christmas gift.

You may thank me later.

Original poster

NameChangedForThisPost · 04/12/2011 20:42

I should be more clear here. Sister is my sister, she has her own family - 2 kids working in good jobs, she has a good job...just has no clue about money.

BIL is my husbands brother. He has 3 small kids and yes SDSS, you are so right, neither he or his wife are responsible parents. The kids have the best toys on the market, 2 year old wearing designer clothes but no food or heating??

HGOTN -You're right - I have to take responsibility for the choice I make. My anger should be directed at me, not them....afterall they are takers and will never feel guilty for taking.

IOE - I feel your pain. I fully expect the fall out.

I feel like we are supporting not only our home...but my BIL's and my sisters! It can't go on. What's more...you have all confirmed...THIS IS ONLY MY PROBLEM IF I LET IT BE!

Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangedForThisPost · 04/12/2011 20:48

SL - Thank you for the Christmas gift...singing it now! May even buy them on of those singing cards and record my own voice singing just that!! Priceless!!! hehe

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 04/12/2011 20:56

she does have a clue about money, she earns it, she spends it and then you fill out the shortfall.

Say no. Decide it now, because you'll be funding their christmas if you don't. Say you have had some unexpected bills and are struggling yourself, infact, sow the seeds now, talk to your DSis and say you've had a big bill and things are going to be really tight this Christmas. Don't say you want her help, but put the idea in her head you don't have any spare. It will be easier to say no if she later asks if you've already set the ground work like that.

Same for BIL.

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