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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let my sister know exactly what my DC want for Xmas?

47 replies

FiveHoursSleep · 04/12/2011 19:41

Sorry, have to give a bit of background info first; I hope this isn't too long .

I have had very little contact with my mother for the last 2 years, my choice. We've never got on, she had me when she was 17 and has always resented me, saying I ruined her life and wished she'd never had me. She prefers my sister, who was 3 years younger than me and 'wanted' as she liked to remind me. I was a pretty challenging child, so I was sent to boarding school while she kept my sister and brother at home so they could be a 'real' family etc, etc
I put up with all this believing she had 'done the best she could' until I had kids of my own, then I started to question her attitude as I couldn't understand how someone could treat their own child like that.
She didn't like this and we had our first period of no contact for 6 month just before DD3 was born, but I felt guilty that she hadn't met her new grandchild and made an effort to reconcile.
We both managed to stay on good terms for a couple more years, until she came to stay one Christmas a couple of years ago. Things are complicated as my mother lives in NZ, and I'm in the UK so when she visited, she had to stay with us, which of course made things rather intense.
She made no effort at all to help me with the kids, went out with her friends and my sister as much as possible, commented on my housekeeping, my size, the way I parented, my clothes, everything. In the end we fell out, and I told her that I never wanted to speak to her again.
She went back to NZ, and my entire family has cut all contact with me since that time. This includes my sister, who also lives in the UK, about half an hour from us.
I am sad that no one else in my family has bothered to ask for my side of the story, but I have since discovered the book 'Toxic Parents' and am pretty sure my mother falls into that category. I believe I, and my children are better off without her in our lives.

I didn't argue with my sister but she didn't contact me until about 6 months after my mother left, to say that she wanted me and my mother to make up, as she ( my sister) fund the whole situation too hard. She also gave me the 'you are my only sister 'line, but TBH we've never been close and we only really heard from her when she need something like a shoulder to cry on, money or a roof over her head. So I decided my life was actually okay without her as 'a sister'. I said she was welcome to visit the kids but she's only done this twice in two years. She's rung a couple of times too, but we go for months without hearing from her at all. The second time she visited was last July, and I had to go out to work as soon as she arrived. She complained and said she wasn't happy because I hadn't stuck around to see her.
She's now decided she can't come and see the kids if I'm not going to treat her like a sister and wants me to send her a list of present requests. I've given her some vague suggestions ( books and crafts) because I don't see why she can't at least ring them and ask them.
But she keeps emailing me and insisting I tell her what the kids are into etc, etc
AIBU to not give her a detailed list? I find it hard enough to think of what to give them, I don't want to have to do it for her too.

OP posts:

redwineformethanks · 04/12/2011 23:06

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Think it's nice she wants to give them a present. Don't see the harm in you helping to ensure your kids get something they like. Do it for their sake, not for your sister's sake

wadingthroughgourds · 04/12/2011 23:07

YANBU. Your children do not need a relationship with someone who behaves like this, if she were truely interested in them she would visit or call them. It sounds to me like she is being quite manipulative and making a 'show' of being involved without having to make the effort, or better still being able to tell herself that she tried but you made things too difficult.

nooka · 04/12/2011 23:25

I'd be inclined to think about this the other way around. You don't want contact with your sister, and that's fair enough given your family situation. I understand that you are a bit sore on the presents front if you think that your father didn't care about you but tried to buy your love with presents. However if this sister isn't going to be meeting up with your children then she'd not buying anything very meaningful is she? You don't actually want her ringing up or emailing you, so wouldn't it be easier to give her one idea for each child and leave it at that? Isn't it better if your children are going to get a present anyway for it to be something they want or need?

cricketballs · 05/12/2011 07:19

In terms of the presents, even those who spend a lot of time with my children ask what they will like as I do with my sister in order that we don't get something they don like/want/already have/someone else is getting

In terms of your family, whilst i appreciate that you have an horrible relationship with your dm and that your sister 'took her side' the fact that she makes contact when "she need something like a shoulder to cry on, money or a roof over her head" I'm afraid is part and parcel of being a sibling; I have a close relationship with my sister but have gone months without speaking (due to life!) and this is what happens to us all. It doesn't mean we love each other any less but we will always know that there is someone there for us if/when needed

SoupDragon · 05/12/2011 07:26

FGS, just tell her something to get them and be done with it.

exoticfruits · 05/12/2011 07:29

Much simpler to just give her a detailed list and be done with it.

NinkyNonker · 05/12/2011 07:43

She sounds awful. You have left the door open for her and she only wants to come through on her own terms with no thought for you. Personally? I'd ignore her.

Wormshuffler · 05/12/2011 07:53

I agree with hmc, its not your sisters fault the way your mum treated you. Life is way too short to look for reasons to cut out sister too.

lisianthus · 05/12/2011 08:09

Yanbu- what Dozer said. She seems to want to be able to tell herself that she is a great aunt and sister without making any actual effort. Instead of bothering to call your DC or visit them and actually ask them what they want, she wants to receive a detailed list from you, upon which she will jump on amazon, get it all in a couple of clicks and sit back to enjoy the back-patting.

Well, if she wants a relationship, she should make it a real one with actual human contact.

I think that the lightswitch went on for me in your OP when you quoted her as saying that she wants you to make it up with your mother (i.e. re-immerse yourself in a destructive relationship with someone who has treated you very badly) because SHE finds it all a bit hard. Well, big whoop.

Not surprised you aren't keen on getting back with your sister.

Seona1973 · 05/12/2011 08:13

I am close to my sister and I still ask her what her kids want for christmas! I dont want to buy something they already have so like to have a list of things that are safe to buy

aldiwhore · 05/12/2011 08:19

If you take away all the ins and outs of your relationship over the years and look at the real issue, she's asking for you to tell her something specific. On this issue alone its not unreasonable (though its a PITA). My sister and I are on great terms, but she lives at the other end of the country so doesn't know what my kids are into all the time, her knowledge is constantly out of date! On that issue alone, there is a middle ground, which you have at least tried to achieve. You've suggested crafty items and books, that is broad enough AND specific enough I think.

After all, I've told my sister 'Lego' rather than a particular set. YANBU. BUT if you do have something in mind, a particular craft set or book, it wouldn't hurt to tell her what it is.

As for all the other stuff, it does read like your sister is piggy in the middle between you and your mum, and I can't help feel sad that as she is trying a little to make peace, you have no interest. Life would be easier without a lot of family, but is it better always? I can understand you have massive issues with your mum, but try and keep issues separate.

In other words. No back story is required here, we dont' 'need' to know to work out if you're being unreasonable and it makes it hard to give a simple answer. YAB(a little)U regarding the gifts, its very VERY hard to buy gifts for children I think, and a little help is expected.

As for all the other stuff, its very hard to comment but you obviously have your reasons for no contact, I do think you need to ask yourself if you're being fair to your sister, she couldn't help the treatment she got either, even if she was golden girl.

SoupDragon · 05/12/2011 08:28

I always ask a child's parent what they would like, not the child. That way it is a surprise. Which is the point.

antsypants · 05/12/2011 08:30

Yanbu

It sounds as though she wants to show herself as the benevolent aunt. She sounds as much a victim of your mothers toxicity as you are, however that is her issue to face up to, not yours.

She obviously has not developed the ability to self reflect, and given that you have cut out the most damaging influence in your life, on some level she is probably jealous and hurt about this, because now she will be the full focus of your mothers attention.

I have similar issues with my siblings, I leave them to it, my child is not stupid, she will know they make no effort (sister has seen her twice since she was born... Shea two and a bit) but there is no way I am giving her a list of gifts so that she can reassure herself that she is all giving.

It's not that hard, vouchers or art things are always going to hit the right note.

Here's hoping you have some peace this Christmas

diddl · 05/12/2011 08:30

"She's now decided she can't come and see the kids if I'm not going to treat her like a sister"

TBH I´d be tempted to have nothing to do with her.

She´s not (imo) worth bothering with if she´s trying to use your children to force you to behave how she wants.

EightiesChick · 05/12/2011 08:42

Your family have been pretty unpleasant to you all round, but I'm not sure how it helps or makes things better or evens the score to not tell your sister what your kids would like, specifically. She may still be a crap sister and aunt but at least that way they get decent presents! I think in this particular instance you are getting caught up in not wanting to be a people pleaser all the time and actually making it harder/more painful for you and the kids than it would be if you just sent a list/. As long as you keep the kids' expectations' from getting inflated re their aunt, and as long as you protect yourself (ie answer her request but then don't get sucked into long discussions of her life problems etc) I think this should not be a major issue. The other aspects of your family relationships, that's different, but just email her some things on this point and have done with it.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 05/12/2011 08:44

YANBU and sorry for your crap childhood

You are right to suspect her motives but for the sake of DCs potentially being able to have some sort of relationship with her, give her the benefit of the doubt.

I would say - "they really would like time with you rather than presents, would you take them to ....panto/ show/ pictures on this date "

ihatecbeebies · 05/12/2011 09:30

Yanbu, reading your post I thought we might have the same 'sister' and extended 'family' - I also have a toxic mother! Do what you think is best, if you think she should put more effort into getting to know your dc then fair enough .

PludolphTheRedNosedReindeer · 05/12/2011 10:35

Why shouldn't you be awkward with her? Ha she even given you a budget, or is she putting all the effort onto your plate?

Anyway, she sounds as though she's being a bit awkward, too, and that's not a great sign.

So what if she is the DCs' aunt? I think the OP is quite sensible to sense that the effort won't end at thinking of suitable Christmas presents, but will go on to mediating the relationship in such a way as to allow the aunt to hide her lack of interest.

Lest anyone think I am projecting: Dh is useless at thinking of presents, so I have to think of family presents from me, from him, for my family, for his family, etc. However, he is here and now, and is not trying to conceal his lack of interest in the family.

Original poster

FiveHoursSleep · 05/12/2011 10:36

Thanks to everyone who replied but I think perhaps I should have asked for replies from other Stately Home people.
I'm glad a few of you understand where I'm coming from, it's really helped me get my thoughts together on this. Those of you who suggested my sister is not very self reflective and manipulative, have just about summed her up, I think.
She doesn't want to spend time with the kids unless it's on her terms and she wants all the glory of getting the 'right' present without having to do any work for it.
Actually despite being a nanny, I don't think she likes kids very much at all. I've had to speak to her a few times about the way she has talked about or spoken to mine, and that sort of thing will have more impact now they are older. I won't be unhappy if she ends up fading out of our lives.
I am going to ignore her last email, and if she pushes it, I will repeat the 'they don't need things, they need time' email I sent a while ago.
To those of you who think I should do what I can to keep some sort of relationship going with her 'because she's family', I can see where you are coming from. I thought exactly the same way for years. But I think this is one of those things that you just can't understand unless you've been through the toxic relative mill, and have realised what a relief it is to just stand up to these people and say 'enough'.

OP posts:

diddl · 05/12/2011 10:58

I get on with my sister, but I can´t help thinking that if we fell out, she wouldn´t be seeing my children.

I know a lot of people will disagree with that, but I don´t see why people who wouldn´t want a relationship with me should have the pleasure of one with my children.

PludolphTheRedNosedReindeer · 05/12/2011 12:33

She's a nanny? Oh, dear...

Good luck with your very reasonable and correctly strict-sounding "they don't need things, they need time" response.

ihatecbeebies · 05/12/2011 15:01

Tell her they all want an iPad each

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