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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think people should think before giving advice on here that is potentially illegal and/or damaging?

60 replies

wannaBe · 04/12/2011 12:28

I'm sure people mean well. but...

e.g. I have just read on a thread someone telling an op to change the locks to prevent her ex from getting back into the family home. In fact this is a fairly common response on threads. Now while I'm sure wanting to change the locks is the understandable thing to do, it is, in fact, illegal. And I'm sure that if an op was posting that her ex had changed the locks the same posters would be telling her that for him to do so is illegal and to get a solicitor asap to force him to allow her access.

Or threads telling an op to withhold contact because of something the ex has said to the dc...

Or threads advising someone re health matters i.e. to ignore dr advice to not bf because of certain medications...

And so it goes..

Given that people are quick to point out that mn is some peoples' only source of support, people should surely think before giving advice which could potentially make someone's life more difficult in the long-term?

Of course the majority response is to often advise someone seek professional advice, but if someone is desperate, there's a chance they may take the advice which is based on emotional response rather than factual knowledge... which could be to their detriment...

I just think people should think first before wading in with advice that has no factual basis. After all it's still possible to offer support without giving potentially illegal advice..

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2011 13:05

It's only unreasonable if someone were to post eg 'I'm a solicitor/police officer/doctor - you should do this

I totally agree

It's quite worrying how many people seem to believe someone is a professional purely because they've said so.

Serenitysutton · 04/12/2011 13:17

Yanbu, but the problem is people aren't controllable. Yes some people are stupid; but others are just arrogent. They offer firm advice on something thy don't know about but they are too arrogent/ niave to realise they don't know much about it.

I don't know anyone Irl like this and when I first started using forums I didn't really understand they existed. I figured people only offered advice on things they knew about. It's a learning curve but you have to realise people inside the computer don't know everything and you know nothing about what type of people they really are.

However, facts are not black and White and Can be Put in a context. Ie. Common one is someone who has opened anothers post and found out something displeasing. Inevitabily someone tells them it's illegal(often their only contribution to the thread is this telling off)- whilst under certain circumstances this is factually correct, you have to weigh up what that means in reality. It doesn't mean you're going to get slung in jail: you have to weigh up the risk of getting reported to the police against the information you've gained. Many people will take the risk; I feel the same about changing locks in a marriage breakup.

Trills · 04/12/2011 13:24

YABU, because you're suggesting that if people thought about what they were posting they would post something different. Which is silly.

Thinking won't stop people from posting poor advice, because no-one thinks that the advice they are giving is bad advice. Everyone thinks that they are giving good advice. Otherwise they wouldn't give it.

exoticfruits · 04/12/2011 13:28

I'm sure that the person posting can sift for themselves and sort the helpful, the ones that are sensible but not suitable for them and the truly bonkers!

amicissima · 04/12/2011 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 04/12/2011 13:31

I'm not sure at all that the person posting can sift through, but I don't have a lot of faith in the critical thinking capabilities of the average member of the public.

exoticfruits · 04/12/2011 13:35

A member since....... probably just means a bonker's member since......!

I think that you have to have faith in the average member of the public. If they do something because some unknown person on the internet tells them to then they are bonkers!

exoticfruits · 04/12/2011 13:36

sorry-I go wild with apostrophes every time I see an 's'.

randommoment · 04/12/2011 13:37

Very often there is a consensus of opinion - which is more likely going to be correct (although not always of course!) And sometimes there are new potential solutions worth exploring. I think most of us do remember that we don't actually know the rest of us in RL, esp if it's an important issue being discussed.

belledechocchipcookie · 04/12/2011 13:39

I get a little when an op is advised to seek professional advice and someone comes along and states their dog/husband/granny had this problem and they didn't bother going to the GP, they just treated the burn with butter etc. I have fallen into the trap where I want to help but have aways advised them to seek professional help from what ever place is relevant. There is a disclaimer at the top but I doubt it's even thought of when the op is asking for help.

mrsjay · 04/12/2011 13:40

forums are for people to chat sound off and offer a bit of support or advice , and people know that , everybody has a different point of view on things and thats why you are going to get different answers to questions , and if a mum is scared her ex will barge into her home then most would advise change of locks regardless if its illegal or not for the womans safety ,

belledechocchipcookie · 04/12/2011 13:46

If a mum is scared her ex will barge into her home then she needs to be advised to seek help from women's aid.

Trills · 04/12/2011 13:46

treated the burn with butter

Advice from RL people is often just as bad as advice from online people.

mrsjay · 04/12/2011 13:51

If a mum is scared her ex will barge into her home then she needs to be advised to seek help from women's aid.

of course she does and thats what i would advise somebody to do , I really think folk are just trying to help and dont mean any harm they want her to feel safe and the changing the locks advice is a reaction to somebodies story ,

Figgydragon · 04/12/2011 13:53

Narky I did report I also worked out who they were from the company they linked to and made a further more damning complaint too as they were poting on other websites under the same username

Serenitysutton · 04/12/2011 13:54

Womens aid can't help everyone!can you imagine if every abused woman thought they were the only option?

Besides, being scared that you will be seriously hurt is utterly different. Noone would say they'd rather be beaten to death than make a minor legal offence which in all likelyhood would have no legal punishment anyway.

NormaSparklerFlashBangAhhh · 04/12/2011 13:55

I have just given dishwasher advice. U am aiming to become the dishwasher guru of MN

PiousPrat · 04/12/2011 14:41

Out of interest, if changing the locks is illegal, is it ok to add a deadbolt so at least the person feels safe while they are in the house? It isn't technically blocking access to the house, it is just restricting the time of that access to when the person is out or is home but has made the decision for themselves to allow the ex in.

mayorquimby · 04/12/2011 15:03

my favourtie are the threads about using force against burglars in your own home. The amount of shite that gets posted on them is hilarious.

mayorquimby · 04/12/2011 15:04

*favourite

mayorquimby · 04/12/2011 15:06

"Out of interest, if changing the locks is illegal, is it ok to add a deadbolt so at least the person feels safe while they are in the house? It isn't technically blocking access to the house, it is just restricting the time of that access to when the person is out or is home but has made the decision for themselves to allow the ex in."

If it's a family home or they have a share in the house (assuming there's no violence/barring orders etc) then they have a legal right of access to the house. You can't deny them their lawful access to their own property because you no longer like each other.

Serenitysutton · 04/12/2011 15:10

And the consequences mayor quimby? My understanding is the partner would have to have a court hearing the result of which could well be they have to remove the locks/ provide a key to the partner who has been locked out. Potentially it would lead to the judge looking unfavourably at that partner in the divorce. What else is likely to happen?

exoticfruits · 04/12/2011 15:14

One thing that you can be absolutely sure of is that if someone says something stupid, like 'treat burns with butter', at least 10 people will pile and say it is stupid!
Anyone can give advice-no one has to take it. If there is a majority view it is generally right, or at least worth considering.

mayorquimby · 04/12/2011 15:17

as far as legally pretty much what you've said. it's going to go badly against you in any later hearings but also what if the ex-partner then decides to force the door or break a window to gain access to their property? all in all it's just going to be an aggravating factor and most likely escalate an already fractious situation.
There's no rule across the board, in situations where perhaps violence is being alleged but no charges have ever been brought or barring order sought a judge may see the actions as more understandable, and while being undesirable could be explained. In such a situation a partner forcing a door ot smashing a window while the ex was in the house may also go against him if there's already accusations of intimidation or violence.
I'm not an expert in family law (and I'm trained in a different jurisdiction), so as the purpose of this thread indicates, I can't really advise as to further specifics. Also when giving legal advice there are so many variables that giving broad statements never really work, you need to have a bit more detail for issues like this.

belledechocchipcookie · 04/12/2011 15:21

I remember a thread a few years ago where the OP's friend had heat stroke. I had an argument with one poster who insisted that the OP's friend needed to sleep it off rather then to get her medical help. It's really not worth the risk.

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