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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex and Christmas, I think he is being U but not sure what to do?

19 replies

Milowilo · 03/12/2011 21:42

My ex lives quite a long way from us, he normally has our daughter for some time over Xmas. Over the last year he has lost interest in her and let her down so many times I've lost count, this co-incided with him getting himself a girlfriend.

He used to come to see her once a month, this has become very sporadic and he is completely unreliable, this is very distressing for DD (4), he keeps her waiting for hours, doesn't turn up when he said he is going to, and tries to drop her off early.

I work every week day (9.30-2.30), in a job where we can't take time off over Xmas. I am still waiting for him to let me know when he is having her over Christmas, he just won't commit?

I have had to book her into her old nursery for six days of the two weeks school hols, at a cost of £210, the bill has to be paid next week before she goes. So if I pay it and he decides to have her for a week, I'll have wasted £105 which I cannot afford.

I've also been waiting four months for dates when he is going to see her, and again he won't commit, he just thinks he can phone up the week before and say he's coming to see her? BUT I always say yes to him, because 'our shit relationship' is not her fault

It's got so bad I can't tell her he is coming up because she won't go anywhere ie ballet if she knows he's coming and sits by the window waiting for him, its heartbreaking. I don't have a social life at all as I can't arrange anything as I invariable have to cancel things

So do I just go ahead and pay the nursery and tell him it's tough he can't have her, or do I just let him make a last minute decision again??

My friends tell me to go to court to get more 'structured' times etc, but I can't afford a solicitor and he knows that?

OP posts:

TheNewMrsC · 03/12/2011 21:46

Have you tried to get legal aid ? If you can't afford a solicitor you may be entitled to it ?

Original poster

Milowilo · 03/12/2011 21:48

Last time I applied for it for the divorce, I earned £150 a month too much! I was gutted, so the get divorced me and I got nothing!

But I have just reduced my hours to take her to school so earn less, so maybe I will qualify, thanks for that, will check it out!

OP posts:

Miette · 03/12/2011 21:53

Really difficult. I think you are right to not tell your dd in advance when he is supposed to be coming so she doesn't get disappointed. It does sound heartbreaking to see her waiting for him. :( I hope someone comes along with some useful advice for you.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 03/12/2011 21:59

Email him and give him a deadline to reply, after which you will book the nursery place and if he changes his mind you will not change your plans. Basically he is an unreliable dick so treat him like one. Set out in writing reasonable offers of contact, give him a time limit within which he can request changes, otherwise stick to what you have stated and do not allow access at other times.
At the moment, you can keep this from your DD so if he does turn up it's a nice surprise for her. Also, keep as much evidence as you can of his unreliablity and unreasonable behaviour, so if he all of a sudden gets a new GF and decides that he wants to be a proper father so he is going to take you to court, you will be able to show that you have acted reasonably all the time and he has not.

TheNewMrsC · 03/12/2011 22:00

Even if you are not entitled to legal aid , you can use lawyers to arrange times and dates without actually going to court. What you do is a lawyer will send him a letter and tell him you both must arrange times , then when they are arranged they are finalised and signed in sort of like a mini contract and if it is broken then the courts are involved . This will be a lot cheaper than actually taking him to court .

Although I have just realised I am in Scotland and Scots law is different from English law , but you should definitely look into it anyway .

Good luck

Pumpster · 03/12/2011 22:01

Poor dd. What's wrong with these men??

Original poster

Milowilo · 03/12/2011 22:11

SolidGold - Your advice is really good, but the only thing that worries me is I have a friend of friend who is a solicitor and has given me some free advice. He is a family solicitor and he said it would look bad in court if I stopped contact?

What do you think?

OP posts:

SolidGoldVampireBat · 03/12/2011 22:56

But you are not stopping contact. You are offering contact, and you can show that you have made reasonable offers of contact and that he is being a dick. Do everything via email and keep printouts - and treat this fucknugget of a man at all times as though he is a mildly annoying toddler ie be firm but calm.

ZillionChocolate · 04/12/2011 09:13

It does look bad if contact just stops. It doesn't look bad if you are being reasonable, allowing him a choice over when contact takes place and generally acting in your child's best interests. Unless he has a job that is unpredictable and inflexible, of course he should commit to particular dates.

I'd try a stern and business like email first. Is a solicitor's letter likely to make him behave? The problem with a more formalised arrangement/court order is that it doesn't necessarily mean he will turn up.

How do you get on with his family? Does your daughter have contact with any of them? Perhaps see if you can make separate arrangements so that she knows that her paternal family love her even if her father is useless.

littlemisssarcastic · 04/12/2011 09:20

What's the chances of him sticking to any arrangements you make with him over christmas anyway?

He may agree to see your DD via email and then just not show up.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 04/12/2011 09:20

I think you need to cut him out of her life till he grows up and becomes a father instead of a twat

hairytaleofnewyork · 04/12/2011 09:43

Does he not pay anything towards nursery fees?

Bonsoir · 04/12/2011 09:51

It would be very easy for you to make your DD's father reasonable offers of contact by email, with a good choice of dates for him and a deadline by which time he must accept because you must make alternative childcare arrangements, and to keep trace of all emails and responses. Try, indeed, to conduct those conversations with your ex exclusively by email. After a year or so you will have lots of evidence that, if required, will back up your position in court.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 04/12/2011 09:54

It sounds as though this man is behaving like this because he is lazy and selfish, not so much because he is trying to jerk the OP around on purpose. Sometimes men who repeatedly fuck up arrangements want to punish their XPs for having dumped them and will immediately start threatening to 'get custody' if the XP tries to bring them into line and stops indulging them. At least this one doesn't sound like he will do that. Still, Milo, it's time to be firm with him: he either commits to a time and sticks to it, or he doesn't see his DD.

TheNewMrsC · 06/12/2011 19:43

Hi milowilo

Did you see about legal aid ? Have there been any development ? Hope all is well .

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 06/12/2011 19:50

I would book her into nursery because he's just as likely to say yes then not turn up - surely?

He's a feckless git. You don't have to allow him access as and when he chooses - that's not the same as stopping contact.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 06/12/2011 20:21

You have to offer reasonable contact arrangements. You then need to keep proof of his breaching, ignoring or refusing these.

You can't force him to a regular timetable, legally or practically (more's the pity) although he can take you to court for a contact order and even make up all sorts of shit about your supposed 'unreasonableness'. (Some men do this to impress their current partners and their relatives.) If he does this, this is your chance to put in a statement saying that you don't oppose contact, and are puzzled by his unreasonable attitude, but would cherish this opportunity for the court to assist with holding your Ex to account and in making him come up with a workable timetable in advance. When my Ex pulled this stunt they made him produce his work rota six months in advance! I didn't have a lawyer, so although it was stressful it was free for me.

Even the court couldn't get him to agree to see his own DCs more than once a month - he likes his weekends fishing - though he does at least stick to the times and dates now.

mummytowillow · 10/12/2011 22:17

Bit of an update! He is still refusing to say if he will see her over Xmas, I told him this is no good to me, so I've sorted the childcare out now and its tough luck for him!

Remarkably he's now taking me to court! Not sure why, I've told him I've kept every text since January this year and documented all the times he's let DD down, so he's going to look a fool!

He can fill his boots!

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/12/2011 23:33

What a prince. Did you find out about legal aid?

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