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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend's partner 'doesn't like' her DS...

16 replies

VonHerrBurton · 03/12/2011 16:47

I will try to keep this as short and to the point as possible.

One of my close friends was divorced when ds were very young , they're now 12 and 9. She met someone on an internet dating website about two years ago. They don't live together and have no real plans to do so 'until the kids have left home' He has a dd 13yo who lives with his ex, but visits weekends.

DH and I have been out with them a couple of times and I have to say, he's not the most endearing man. He comes across as selfish - both with money and more importantly emotional availability to her and her ds. She is having a few problems with youngest ds at the moment, school have hinted at possible ASD (ADD or ADHD) This has, understandably, really upset my lovely friend who was in tears when she spoke to me about it. Her dp said 'oh, I've always thought that, he's a PITA'

They've never got on and this IMO is why he hasn't moved in - they live about 5 miles apart. She's told me DP doesn't like her younger ds, as he finds him annoying and irritating. I have had the conversation with her that he's the adult and he needs to try and find a way to communicate better with her ds. She gets cross and defensive, blaming her ds and saying thatshe won't have ds 'spoil' her relationship with dp.

She's really down at the moment, he's not helping as I feel it's all a bit 'me me me - when do I get attention' from dp and it's clouding what's in best interest of her ds.

Should I just butt the hell out? AIBU to care about her ds so much? He's a lovely, polite, caring and sweet boy and I feel like I'm watching Mr Selfish destroy relationships as my friend seems hell-bent on keeping him (dp) happy? BTW the kids' Dad lives in Brazil and has no contact (his choice) which makes it worse - poor kid is desperate for attention.

Thanks if you read this far - there really is lots more of the same to the story!

OP posts:

MabelLucyAttwell · 03/12/2011 16:51

If your friend was attractive enough to find this man, she will be attractive enough to find a nicer one. Her thoughts ought to be for her children as well as herself. Her two are two young for her to ignore their needs - emotional uppermost expecially as the older one is approaching teenage. It's the wrong time IMO for her to encompass this sort of man in her life. There are nicer men out there.

littlemisssarcastic · 03/12/2011 17:13

Does your friend's DP make it obvious he dislikes her DS? Does he treat the 2 boys differently? Or is he expressing his feelings away from the boys IYGWIM?

How does your friend get on with her boys? Does she treat this son any different to the other one?

Original poster

VonHerrBurton · 03/12/2011 17:25

littlemiss Yes, he makes it obvious to her DS - I know this because her DS says to me things like 'I don't like xxxx. He doesn't like me. He's always shouting at me' and 'xxxx shows off in front of Mum and they laught at me' :(

Yes, he treats the two boys very differently. They are very different personalities (the two ds) the other one is extremely clever, quiet and obedient - a lot 'easier' to get along with.

Re how she treats the boys, she's not very tactile and isn't big on praise, but she adores them and vice versa. All I know is, she is very different since she's been with this DP. This is why I'm torn - is it really none of my business how she chooses to parent her dc? Everyone's so different.

OP posts:

Dawndonnathatchristmasiscoming · 03/12/2011 17:31

I am on my second marriage, we've been together 20 years. I had a few dates before meeting dh. It was take me, take my son. In other words we came as a package deal, anyone going out with someone who doesn't like/doesn't attempt to get on with their kids is being selfish. Sorry, but he should go, he just wants all the attention, and maybe it's why his first marriage finished.

littlemisssarcastic · 03/12/2011 17:35

It sounds horrific!!! I'm not sure what you can do though. You say that when you have spoken to your friend to point out that her DP is the adult, and he needs to find a way to communicate with her DS better, she gets cross and defensive and blames the poor boy, saying she wont allow him to spoil her relationship with her DP.

That is awful!!!

What can you possibly say or do that may change the situation?

Unless you are considering reporting to SS?

Original poster

VonHerrBurton · 03/12/2011 17:39

That's what I kind of thought, Dawn, it's how I would be FOR SURE if DH wasn't around. It's also what I've tried to hint at with her, rather than talk about it to other people (says she on an anonymous forum!!)

She just doesn't seem to feel the same way as me and gets uber-defensive when I bring it up. I get the vibe she thinks I'm being a bit smug - God, I really am not. Her friendship means a lot to me, I hate seeing her like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

VonHerrBurton · 03/12/2011 17:42

God, SS?! The thought hadn't crossed my mind - really littlemiss? Does it sound that bad to an 'outsider' ? Jeez.

OP posts:

DownbytheRiverside · 03/12/2011 17:43

'She gets cross and defensive, blaming her ds and saying thatshe won't have ds 'spoil' her relationship with dp.'

She sounds vile. Any new partner I had would be out before he had a shag if he disliked my son. Poor child, blamed by the one who should love him above any subsequent relationship.

DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 03/12/2011 17:44

Oh YANBU poor DS. Are you willing to lose the friendship over this? I think I would be but then the DS risks losing someone from his life who really seems to care. I would explain to your friend that her DS will probably not forgive her for choosing a shag over him. It will really mess with his self esteem too which is probably fragile enough if he struggling with possible SN

nooka · 03/12/2011 17:46

Sounds horrible, and likely to get worse. This sort of thing is very damaging to children, and likely to lead to big issues as the boys hit their teens. I don't think I could not say anything, but it doesn't sound like it would help very much :(

Really what you want her to d is get rid of the arse of a boyfriend because no one should want to be with someone who is emotionally abusing their child.

Original poster

VonHerrBurton · 03/12/2011 18:00

dingdong and nooka you are both so right - the teacher has made reference about her ds's low self-esteem.

I would love her to ditch her partner. She just doesn't see what I'm trying to say. Or maybe she does and the defensiveness is guilt.

Losing her friendship is multi-faceted, ds in question is one of my ds's closest friends and also a neighbour. To lose her friendship, especially in these circumstances, would make a lot of things very difficult.

But I know you're right - all of you

OP posts:

DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 03/12/2011 18:03

It is a really tricky situation because while you are still friends at least you can monitor the situation, but I think I would lose respect for a friend that treated her
DC like that

DownbytheRiverside · 03/12/2011 18:04

Then don;t lose her friendship, her son will need you and your DS in his life if things turn to shit at home. For some children I've known, school and people outside the home are what have enabled them to keep going despite their parenting.

bringbacksideburns · 03/12/2011 18:11

If the teacher has already referenced her son's low self esteem why would she think her DP is helping if he finds him irritating? Poor kid.

She should be building him up.

If you are particularly close to her maybe you could try talking to her along the lines of "I've noticed X really doesn't seem to like y. Do you think it may be affecting his confidence a bit?"

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 03/12/2011 18:23

Children with ASD can be difficult - I know, I have one - but when they are having trouble making sense of the world as it is, not even having the security of home to fall back on is just awful.

Your friend is doing her son no favours and I don't think much of how she's behaving.

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 03/12/2011 18:24

Children with ASD can be difficult - I know, I have one - but when they are having trouble making sense of the world as it is, not even having the security of home to fall back on is just awful.

Your friend is doing her son no favours and I don't think much of how she's behaving.

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