AIBU - sorry, another Christmas-related thread

[griffikb]

We are due to go over to my IL for an early Christmas celebration (we are going to visit my family overseas for the Christmas/New Year period) My DP has one brother, who he doesn't really get along with. There are many reasons for this, but I know it upsets his mum that her two boys don't get along. His brother (and his partner, who I have never met) will be there for the celebrations.

My DP has said that he doesn't intend to get his brother a present. This message has been passed on to his mum (who in turn, I guess, will let his brother know) and he has said for his brother not to get DP anything.

I'm a bit embarrassed to turn up to his parents' house (where DP's brother also lives) with nothing for DP's brother. I would like to get at least a small 'token' for his brother and girlfriend - perhaps just a home-made hamper with some bits in it - but DP is dead-set against this. He's now threatening not to go if I won't "respect his wishes" and take nothing for his brother.

AIBU to take a present along for DP's brother? I was brought up to never go to someone's house empty-handed and would feel awful to take presents for MIL, FIL and nothing for BIL...

I would respect your dh on this one. His brother isn't going to get any for you guys so I would just leave it.

Perhaps your DH knows more about his brother than you know. I would respect his wishes if he were my husband. Take the usual contributions like wine and nibbles and perhaps some biscuits or something but that's all. Presents for theothers can be handed out in carrier bags to one person in each family in a quiet unobtrusive way perhaps when the brother goes to the loo or into the garden for a smoke.

Not even a couple of bottles of cava for 'the house'?

That's what I meant, mabel. If they all live there, then taking wine and food is for 'the house' and can be shared.

I think its fine not to get them anything

Bloody hell, take a bottle of gin and drink it yourself as it sounds like the most appalling set up. Is your H this much of a prick about life in general? Or is it just his brother that brings out the stomping playground bully in him? 'Nerrr! Muuuum, tell my brother that he's NOT GETTING ANY PRESENTS! Because he SMELLS!'

I'd want a bloody good explaination from my DP as to why he wasn't prepared to behave with basic good manners towards his brother. What has his brother actually done wrong? If your DP isn't able to answer that, then there is a possibilty your DP is just an arse. If he has done somehting so bad to justify a lack of manners, would you consider gifts for 'the house'?

Just generally don't like each other, or had a massive falling out over something and never forgave each other? Because there's a difference really. Most people have at least one person in their family somewhere that they're less keen on, but should be able to be at least civil to them.

I'd insist on taking a really nice bottle of wine and some posh chocs-you could hand them to the gf if your dh would prefer.

Thanks all - I'll probably opt with some nice things 'for the house'.

(As far as I'm aware!) There's not actually been any falling out 'per se', just a difference of outlook (DP has worked every day since he was 18, BIL is on benefits and not inclined to look for work, DP thinks that BIL has been the 'favourite' and spoilt by MIL/FIL) so perhaps I'll just leave it and hope that one day he comes around to behaving more civilly.

I'm on the other side of the world from my family, and miss them desperately, so can't imagine ever being in a situation like it. Maybe I'm projecting my feelings onto him as to what the relationship should be. :(

So he's not done anything wrong except make different life decisions than DP's? And he's refusing to give any gifts to his brother or his brother's girlfriend just because he doesn't approve of their lifestyle? Really? Not even a small token thing?

Even if your BIL lives there, he isn't hosting, so there will be no apparent disparity in treatment if you get presents for your PIL and not for your BIL.

On the other hand, if you "break the pact" of no presents, it could get rather awkward, and cause resentment (from your DH, from the BIL, even from the BIL's partner, for "showing them up" as having turned up empty handed as agreed).

Sometimes it really is quite small things that show a partner up as a complete knob. Your H says you should 'respect his wishes' ie obey him? How does that make you feel about him generally?