giving to receive...? feeling a little guilty

[BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability]

Hmm, need some opinions on this...

DHs brother normally gets presents from us, as does his child, for both birthdays and christmases. Said child lives with his mum btw, they arent together.

We have a DS too, younger than their DS, so theirs has had presents and cards for a good few years before ours was born. Not once, in all the time I have known DH have either of us had a christmas present from his brother. Or even a card. Nor for our wedding, nor DSs birth, nor his first birthday. I remember having a birthday card once, when he was with a girl at the time who got it for him. ExGF hasnt gotten anything either, obviously I dont really expect it from her, but thought a card for her DSs only cousin would have been nice.

So this year I am now a SAHM, having not returned from mat leave when it finished. Money is bearable, but tight. I think we shouldnt get DBIL a present for christmas this year, as he clearly doesnt care (there are many many many other issues with DBIL, including him throwing birthday cards in the bin straight after getting them and taking out the money!). I think not getting DN a present would be mean though, as he is only a child. DH agrees re his brother, but doesnt want to get DN anything either. He says if his brother cant be arsed for our child, why should we do anything for his?
Which is a fair point I guess, especially as his mum doesnt even thank us for whatever we get him...

WWYD? I know it would BU to not give something because we dont receive, so why am I thinking its what we should do......

Don't buy for DBIL but buy for DN. Why punish a child just because his parents are ungrateful and rude.

Buy for DN.

It doesn't have to be much , but let DN know you are thinking of him. Accept it will never get acknowledged but that's the parents not him.

Sounds like a plan, I'll get him a little something. MIL will be passing it on anyway, so she would very much notice if he didnt have anything (I'll use that excuse to DH if he moans)
Forgot to say, there will probably be a lot of moaning from inlaws if we dont get BIL something, which will possibly influence DH into changing his mind. Do you think we are 100% right to not get him anything, so at least we dont feel guilty about that...?

Buy for DN. it's not fair to punish him.

My DB has 5 kids (18, 13, 9, 5 and 4). I've been buying for them for a lot of years. My DD (18 mos) has never received a thing. It hurts a bit, but those are my feelings to deal with and I'd never punish his children because of it.

I don't see why you need to get BIL something. If you really cannot get over the guilts see if you can get a good offer on a tin of biccies or chocs and send those as a pressie. But I'd not waste time or money on BIL . He's a big boy now. A miserable grumpy big boy from the sounds of it!

Definitely don't buy for BIL, he's an adult.
And if your inlaws moan, ignore.
Get something for dn though, for children it's best to rise above petty family squabbles.
And get something he/she'd like too. Not just a token present.

I think you can have a clear conscience about not buying for DBIL.

I've found a nice book that I wanted to get him, less than a tenner, but it was what started the discussion earlier

Yes we've had this
I spent years buying birthday presents, sending money to my sisters two kids
When mine came she hasn't bothered
I've carried on buying for hers because it feels like it's not their fault
But it rankles, especially now they're 16&18 - surely they'd think to get my kids something
Nowt so odd as folk

What does bug me most, is how I'll explain to DS that everyone except his uncle gets him presents (or even cards, its not just about the presents) when he is old enough to notice :(
Twat.

Say to bil in front of mil 'let's just buy for each other's kids from now on. We adults don't need so much stuff do we?'
May even shame him into buying for your ds

Chrimbly - you need a new Christmas rule , not buying for your nieces once they are 18 ( unless they buy for you of course .

Beyond - I wouldn't even bother trying to explain why your BIL doesn't buy a present. Just shrug and say "I really don't know why son, I really don't know."

shopping unfortunately he has no shame
although buying for the kids only is a very convenient excuse as to why we have nothing for him... especially as hes likely to have more in the future, hes not the most, ahem, careful with these things

My brother is the same. I haven't had a card or present from him since he left home (many years ago!), ds and dd have had one present in 5 years and that was because he was here at Christmas so it would have been a bit obvious if he hadn't.

I have stopped sending him anything. I just couldn't be arsed any more as clearly he couldn't either. He doesn't have dcs but if he did I would send them cards and small presents as it's not their fault and I would want them to know I was thinking of them as they got older.

I have had the problem of ds asking where his card from uncle X is - I didn't really know what to say but went for uncle X doesn't think birthdays are important, which is why we don't send him a card either. Which is the truth really.

I don't think you need to feel bad at all about not buying for your BIL he sounds really rude.

DH is now saying "but what if DB gets us presents this year". Wuss.
I said I'd probably die of shock!

Yanbu. My brother is 21 and my mum
still buys ds a present 'from' him :s ( not even using his money). I don't get him anything funnily enough!

Why would your mil mind if you dont buy something for brother if he never buys you anything?

Btw I wouldn't get him anything. And if he does get you something so what. If he comments say I didnt realize we were doing anything as you have forgotten the past ten years r so.

that's easy - have a spare wrapped present under the tree with no tag on (we normally have biscuits or nice chocs). If he manages to get you a present, you can bring out the spare. If he doesn't you get to eat the spare when you take the tree down - win win situation