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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stopping access to deatbeat dad after 8 years of letdowns.

21 replies

SweetTart · 02/12/2011 15:02

I have 2 DCs, 8 and 10. Their father has constantly let them down throughout their lives. I have allowed him to come and go so far because I didn't really know what else to do, it was either that or ban him from seeing them, which they didn't want.

Over the past 8 years since we split, he has let them down and lied to them so many times.
A few examples:
I work one weekend a month on a rota. EX had gotten into trouble with the law for a serious assault, and was lucky to get away with community service. He explained to his probation officer that he had to have the children on 1 weekend in 4, so could not do CS. Most of the time he just didn't show up, I was left to arrange emergency childcare so I could go to work because he'd been too drunk the night before. He also admitted to using the kids on other occasions to getting out of doing CS.
He joined the army 3 years ago and went to Afghanistan. He didn't contact the kids all the time he was out there. They were terrified that he was dead. I assumed he was unable to get in touch, and reassured them that this was the case. Then I found that he had been on Facebook and the phone to his girlfriend 4 or 5 times a week. When I confronted him about it, he told me he would have been in touch but he didn't have my number or address (he did, and is friends on facebook with 4 members of my immediate family, there were SO many ways he could have got in touch, I have lived at my address for 7 years)
This summer he was on leave for 3 weeks, staying at his Dad's in our home town. He came to see the kids when he arrived (a 5 min chat at the door, saying he'd take them out "when it was nice") then he came to see them the night before he was due to leave, took them to a pub for their tea for one hour. His defence for not coming to see his children (it was during the summer holidays, they were off school all the time he was on leave) he said "They knew where I was, they could have come to see me whenever they wanted"
He was home again in Sept, and promised to take DS to a charity event his friend had organised. He didn't show up. Photos on Facebook the next day showed him at the event. The next day he was supposed to take DD horse riding. He didn't show up. His excuses were: No children were allowed at the charity event, and he HADN'T promised DD to go horseriding.
Since then, I have told him he is not doing this to them anymore, and if he wishes to see them, he can go through the official channels, so that hopefully he will have to show up when agreed. He has done nothing so far.

My children tell me they "don't mind" if he lets them down. They love him, forgive him, and do still want to see him. They haven't seen him since the one hour visit in August.

SO.....AIBU to stop his access after 8 years of him messing my children about? DS has been really badly affected by it, his behaviour has been AWFUL, screaming that he doesn't love me, he only loves his Dad, and his Dad is the only one who loves HIM. Since I have stopped access, DS has been a different boy, gets ready for school without incident for the first time in his life, is loving, thoughtful, cuddles and kisses me all the time, and doesn't kick off every time he is asked to do something. I don't know if it is a coincidence. Even before I stopped access, EX told people I "wouldn't let" him see the kids, when I had NEVER prevented him from seeing them whenever he liked, no matter what he'd done. I feel like I've given him what he always wanted:me being the "bad guy", me giving him the excuse he wanted for not seeing his kids. He has been on facebook to DD and DS saying "I just want you to know it's not me, it's your mum"

OP posts:

AntiqueAnteater · 02/12/2011 15:09

your kids shouldnt be on fb at their ages, no wonder they are upset having their dirty laundry washed in public on FB.

There was a similar thing on my nephew's little friends wall, was horrendous, the mother and father (and i call them that loosely) slagging each other off on the kid's FB page

Terrible

Original poster

SweetTart · 02/12/2011 15:12

There is no public laundering. Their father sent them a private message saying he wanted to see them, but that I was stopping him.
They have restricted access facebook for the kids' games.

OP posts:

tx12noone · 02/12/2011 15:14

I'm with Antique - what are your kids doing on FB? Stop it.

Snapespeare · 02/12/2011 15:18

the issue isn't fb (but they're right - I wouldn't allow fb for younger than 13, even if it's only for games...) the issue is a dad who isn't being a great dad. I'd not tell him that you've denied access - he'll get all wounded and self-rigteous - I'd simply stop making the effort and leave the ball in his court.

SugarPasteChristmasCake · 02/12/2011 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NatashaBee · 02/12/2011 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleWhiteWolf · 02/12/2011 15:36

FB aside, your ex sounds like my FIL. He spent all of DHs life letting him down and its greatly affected DH. Personally I think you've done the right thing.

Let him be a prickyou can't stop itand let him tell the world how you're keeping him from his kids. Keep your chin up and take solace from the truth. If he wanted to see them, he would make it happen. But you must do something about him being able to contact them on fb. Block him if thats what it takes.

rubyzelle · 02/12/2011 16:03

totally with snapespeare- just leave the ball in his court. Really feel for you as he's Obvs a twat, however, it'll blow up in your face if you let yourself become the bad guy and stop access. Everyone will end up blaming you. However painful it might be, you have to just be a model of diplomacy until such time as your kids start to decide they can't be bothered with him. It's completely unfair but as the parent they live with, it's just much easier for them to blame you. When they're just a little older they'll be able to see the situation for what it is and they'll appreciate you for letting them come to a decision by themselves.

hairytaleofnewyork · 02/12/2011 17:11

He sounds like a knob.

But you don't get to ban it stop contact. Your children have a right to a relationship with him, even if he is a knob and
a let down.

GypsyMoth · 02/12/2011 17:18

It says at the end of the op that he contacts them on Facebook! Get them off fb! He sends them private messages? How? Do they have their own accounts then?

Sirzy · 02/12/2011 17:21

What do the children want? I would sit down with them and talk about it. If they see you as the reason they don't see him they may well grow to resent you. If they would rather not see him then stopping the contact is right.

GypsyMoth · 02/12/2011 17:27

It's not your call to stop contact. It's the children's right.

But I would tell your ex where he stands... He needs to approach you with notice. Arrange for YOU to drop off and him to return them. This way the dc are not left waiting around for him to turn up!

Tmesis · 02/12/2011 17:29

Sugarpaste, the OP says He has been on facebook to DD and DS saying "I just want you to know it's not me, it's your mum". Perhaps read the OP next time before hoisting your bosom and ticking off other posters?

And, OP, I think that's very relevant -- if you do intend to cut off contact unless/until your ex gets his arse in gear and is prepared to treat them properly then you ought to get rid of their FB accounts because otherwise that's a way for your ex to contact them behind your back.

GypsyMoth · 03/12/2011 00:22

Yes, and say god knows what to them!

dancingmustard · 03/12/2011 00:24

He sounds like a nob but stopping contact isn't your call unless abuse is present and going off your post it isn't.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

LineRunnerCranberrySauce · 03/12/2011 00:34

It's a classic, isn't it? My DCs' father does this - tells everyone that I 'stop him' seeing the children that he can't be arsed to see.

OP, My kids are teens now and know that he's a twat.

They still love him, though - and there's the dilemma.

difficulttimes · 03/12/2011 00:49

Its sad that some people are more interested that her kids are onm facebook than the fact shes basically raised her kids singlehandedly with a deadbeat.

I'm Sorry you're DS is being so difficult, you may have to come down on him like a ton of bricks and read him the riot act.

Meglet · 03/12/2011 00:52

Yanbu.

He's a 5 star twat and has proved time and time again he isn't capable of being a parent.

Speak to the children and see what they want. But I'd be tempted to get him to mediation and get someone to talk some sense into him, which won't work but at least you've tried.

Just because he's their father is doesn't give him the right to see them and mess them about in the process. He needs to grow up.

The children have a right to see their father as long as they're not being hurt or fucked about by him.

Tmesis · 03/12/2011 10:20

People are interested in the fact that her kids are on Facebook because the father is using Facebook to contact them and tell them that he is doing everything in his power to see them more often but the OP is the one stopping him.

SugarPasteChristmasCake · 03/12/2011 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joanofarchitrave · 03/12/2011 20:15

I wouldn't stop access, no. Must be a complete nightmare though. Is it possible that DS now behaving in the hope of seeing his Dad?

Could you establish a regular routine of your children going to your PILs and your ex picking them up from there? That way they get to be in regular contact with your ex's side of the family whatever he does, and he has to explain himself to them if he doesn't turn up?

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