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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a massive crush on a work colleague

41 replies

BumpsNRoses · 02/12/2011 12:44

Have nc'd for this.

I am very happily married. I would NEVER cheat on my DH.

But there is a guy at work who is just swoonsome-making.

AIBU to have secret fantasies about him?

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 03/12/2011 06:53

Oh god no, I don't have an allowed list! DH is quite clear I'd be out of the door!

You're right runningwilde I have been than girl when I was younger, more naive and considerably more attractive than I am now!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 05/12/2011 10:40

The point is you both have an allowed list (ideally with a similar number of people on yours and his)

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 11:10

Nope definitely don't have an 'allowed list' I checked again last night. Sad

So I just have to keep my fantasy list - "Reginald D Hunter; teacher at DD's school; David Mitchell..."

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 05/12/2011 14:35

That's the spirit! Grin

OhdearNigel · 05/12/2011 14:41

YANBU. I do a little casual hotel work as well as my normal job and I fancy the pants off of one of the chefs. He is Italian and very hunky. In fact, every time I pass him I want to grab his bum

Would never, ever do it though.

OhdearNigel · 05/12/2011 14:43

and i previously had a gigantic crush on someone in my previous role at work, in fact I blush even now just thinking about him. All my colleagues could tell if he came in the room as I went pink and started flirting with him in the most outrageous fashion.
I actually wouldn't have touched him with a bargepole but the frisson was soooo heady

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 15:58

Actually, I think I've become a bit obsessed with RDH.

He's not even a man anymore, he's just sex. I saw him on't telly last night. Tbh it was the first time I'd seen him do stand up and not just on panel shows. Was a bit too much talk of bumsex for me, but I still would. Most definitely. He wouldn't be going there though. Not even him.

Actually, judging by the size of the rest of him, definitely not him Blush Grin Blush

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 15:59

Nigel I had a lecturer at uni like that Blush. It was made worse by the fact he had a 'fondness' for me also. Never would have touched though. DH knew about it and teased me mercilessly. Said lecturer was much older than me!

Abitwobblynow · 05/12/2011 19:08

I am a bit older than you, being an old bag in my late 40s 20 years married with 4 precious children, but I need to put a bit of a dampener on the lighthearted comments posted here.
You know, nobody, absolutely nobody goes into an affair with the intention of having one. OF COURSE they wouldn't cheat etc etc. But this is how infidelity starts: a gentle but very slippery slope that crosses one pleasant boundary after another, deepening the pleasure of the intimacy until before they know it, they have crossed a serious boundary: betrayal. And just as you can't put sh*t back into a horse, you can't un f k a person and you can't be the person you were before.
I was you once. I never ever thought this would happen to me. Please take midlife crisis, depression loneliness and infidelity seriously it CAN happen to you.
When I had fantasies of other men, it was actually because my H had put on 'baby blinkers' yes I do believe that report and he had ceased to see me as a human being.
In IMAGO theory (Harville Hendrixx, read him) these things (crushes, committees, golf etc) are known as 'exits': how you escape from the difficulties of a relationship. They POISON the relationship.
Please, please, please, take it from this saddened old bag who never thought she would be here, hurt and disillusioned: admit to yourself what and where your true unhappiness lies, and then PHONE RELATE. Phone them. Drag DH there and in the safe space of a dispassionate 3rd party, start talking.

I have stuck my neck out to talk about these things which seem to be taboo and which get swept under the carpet, but I hope and pray that if even one person reads it and takes it seriously, I will have saved one couple from being desperately hurt and disillusioned.

TroublesomeEx · 06/12/2011 13:32

Sadly, I think some of what you are saying might be right, sometimes, Abitwobblynow.

DH and I had a rocky patch a few years ago and I became quite close to a fellow mature student at university. We became quite close and spent a lot of time studying and stuff together. There was a moment, nothing more, when I realised it could go further and cut the friendship dead there and then. At that point, no line had been crossed and I never wanted it to be crossed, but I know what you mean about it creeping up on you.

However, I'm not sure about the theory of "crushes, committees and golf" as exits though. Does that mean that every time we have an interest or a hobby or an involvement in something outside of our marriage/relationship/family that we are finding an escape route?

My DH and I both have interests outside of our marriage. Mine mean I spend time with other men (and women), his mean he comes into contact with other women (and men). Maybe other women find him attractive, maybe other men find me attractive Xmas Confused I'm not sure I could identify one though Xmas Grin! But it's not because we're trying to escape the difficulties of our marriage!!!

I don't think you can compare committees and golf/hobbies and interests with adultery!

Besides the people I have crushes on are often very different to my DH. Not better, just different.

AKMD · 06/12/2011 13:36

The most handsome man in possibly the entire world just started working at Colgate. He is not at all photogenic though, unfortunately.

Abitwobblynow is right.

Whatmeworry · 06/12/2011 14:06

AIBU to have secret fantasies about him?

Watch the booze and the CCTV at the Xmas party...or else the rest of the office will be watching your BJ technique :o

Abitwobblynow · 07/12/2011 10:03

Folks it is about the loneliness and the distance between you and your H. I can hear your sadness.

Drag his ass to Relate and start talking (- and listening)! He is really the one you want to be close to and share things with, I have no doubt. I am sure he is as lonely as you feel.

Your question about exits is a good one. It is when the exits are used as substitutes/evasions to the relationship that needs to be admitted and stopped. An affair is known as a 'catastrophic exit'. As is divorce, murder and suicide. Read Harville Hendrixx he is very interesting and his theories have made him be seen as up there with Freud, Jung and Eriksson with how much he has contributed to the understanding of relationships, WHY we pick the person we do, and how they are the best chance to help us heal.

mummyandpig · 07/12/2011 10:49

YANBU. I have a big old crush on a work colleague. Oh god, he is gorgeous. Up until recently we had been working on a project that meant we spent whole days together, took journeys together and worked at each other's houses.

Sometimes I did have to stop myself from just staring longingly at him, ha. All that crap aside, he's actually a really nice guy and we have built quite a nice friendship.

At an event on Friday I did spend a bit too long telling his girlfriend (1st time I'd met her) how great he was and how much I'd loved working with him. I was very drunk. Whooooops!

ujjayi · 07/12/2011 11:06

Hmm. It is possible OP has a crush on my DH as he is the spitting image of Joshua Jackson.

Still funny and ok now?

TroublesomeEx · 07/12/2011 15:47

Sorry ujjayi, maybe I'm being a bit thick, but why wouldn't it still be ok?

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