I feel like when my MIL visits she completely takes over the household. The best analogy I can come up with is that when she walks in the door, she puts on my shoes. I, as the mother of the house, become completely redundant.
I have been married to dh for 11 years and we have 3 dc. My MIL is from a different culture than I come from and I get that there are differences but she has lived in the US (we live in the US) for over 50 years and so is both linguistically and culturally acclimated. (I am from Ireland, she is from a mediteranean country). I have always struggled with her manner and have never found a way to effectively deal with the problem. It started in earnest when my first child was born. I cannot describe how many she crossed the boundaries of what is acceptable with new parents. An example was her lack of support for breastfeeding and the constant undermining of same. Lots of comments on whether the baby was in fact getting enough to eat and whether she perhaps had an allergy to my milk (colic).
I have struggled for years with the emotions that she ignites in me and it has caused huge problems at times between dh and I. He doesn't see any problem and thinks I am unreasonable.
This past week I have been hugely upset by her again. We rarely have her to our house to visit anymore (because of how she takes over) and prefer to visit her in her own house. (This is my choice. DH would happily have her come here so she could "help".) We just had Thanksgiving at our house, an event that SIL and I were jointly hosting, or so I thought. MIL arrived the day before, early in the morning, laden down with food etc. As always, she completely took over the kitchen and started cooking for hours on end. Food that actually ends up getting wasted as she cooks too much. It seems to me like she needs to be busy all the time and I understand that. On Thanksgiving day she was up at dawn being very busy in the kitchen doing God knows what and I finally had to get dh to take her out of the house for a "walk" so I could put the turkey in the oven, my nerves were so completely shot with her interference with everything. She didn't want to go and spent a good half hour hovering until he finally got her out. I'm aware that I sound like a victim here but her personality is such that she doesn't take well put hints. Later in the day I tried to get her to leave me in the kitchen for a half hour and she came back after 5 minutes. I actually didn't get into my kitchen all day and she took over all the preparations. I was deeply upset as I felt completely obsolete and unable to deal with her. At one point I was putting tinned cranberry sauce out into dishes and she stood so close to me watching what I was doing. I was so exasperated I asked her if she wanted to do it, to which she answered yes I'll do it.
Her takeover also extends to my children and she gives them sweets and soda without my knowledge at breakfast time and makes me feel precious if I comment. She has always had her grandkids sleep with her and makes a big deal about this. I never wanted my kids to sleep in her bed (maybe that sounds cruel, but in this context for me it was just another takeover) and my youngest child slept with her over Thanksgiving. I don't have a problem with it at this stage as he seemed to really enjoy it but I heard her comment to a family member that my older 2 were the only ones of any of her grandkids that hadn't slept in her bed. WTF.
I am really concerned now about Christmas coming up and how she is probably going to do the same thing again. I thought about doing an alternative lunch (to turkey) but know that somehow she would get involved and effectively ruin the preparations etc.
I'm aware that I sound precious and that I should just be able to tell her how I feel. I struggle with this so much. She is manic and really whips the household into a frenzy when she is here. I feel like she is constantly watching me whenever I do get into the kitchen and commenting on how I do things and why aren't I doing it such and such a way. I am convinced that she is compulsive and needs to be busy all the time.
So my question is am I justified in how I feel? Or am I just precious? And what do I do about it...