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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To suggest this or am I going to really offend?

25 replies

youtalkintome · 30/11/2011 12:08

DM who I love very dearly can be a sensitive soul and she isn't having the best time at the moment (long). She is single, we usually go to her for Christmas but i'm expecting a baby tomorrow and so have planned to go to ILs which is close by. DM is a great help with dc and will also be coming to stay with us and coming to ILs for Christmas and also when baby is born and is in fact itching to come over but I find it really stressful having anyone stay in the house and am also planning a HB so would rather not have anyone stay prior to me going into labour although could really do with both the help and the company. I'm also tired and tetchy at the min so would be a disaster having us together all of the time.

So, my friend has a couple of empty brand new rather lovely apartments close by, she has offered me one for min cost for a couple of weeks, would I BU to suggest to DM that she comes next week and stays till Christmas but in a apartment rather than with us or am I going to really offend her. She has a tendency to be very easily offended/hurt and the last thing I need is a family argument at the moment. I'd love my mum around but not 24 hours a day for 3 weeks IYSWIM. What do you think?

OP posts:

JjingleBeanplusPudalltheway · 30/11/2011 12:15

I can't see the harm.

Explain you'd love and appreciate her being close by but as your stressed and irritable you'd both be better off having the option of some space.

PopcornMouse · 30/11/2011 12:15

I would frame it as you thinking of her, doing her a favour - "you'll get woken up every hour on the hour by baby crying, but in your own apartment you can sleep through" etc

Sirzy · 30/11/2011 12:17

sounds a lovely plan

Salmotrutta · 30/11/2011 12:19

Quite hard to say without knowing your Mum but if it was me I'd maybe be a bit hurt at being sent to an apartment if there were no space issues at your house.
That's just my opinion though and you know best how she will react. She may be really looking forward to having some company too. But she also may want to go out and about on her own sometimes for a breather - I know I do when we are staying at relatives. It gives everyone a break.

lettingitallgonow · 30/11/2011 12:20

I think that's actually really thoughtful.

Original poster

youtalkintome · 30/11/2011 12:20

It's really hard on a good day she will love this idea the next i'll be the worst person in the world for suggesting it. I suppose I have already done the worst bit because she asked me should she come now and i've already said no so perhaps if I go back saying i've found a solution then she'll be pleased. Its hard because I don't think she sees herself as a guest IYSWIM and in a way she isn't but i find it stressful and so does DH a bit although he is very patient.

OP posts:

chrimblycompo · 30/11/2011 12:22

why can't she just come at xmas time

when you have a baby it's nice to have no family there for a while so that dh/dp can enjoy paternity leave with his new family

Tinselperion · 30/11/2011 12:23

I agree with popcorn and also pitch it as you requesting a favour from her, "i'd really love for you to be here, you're such a help, the DCs love you, and I'd love for you to be around so would you possibly be able to stay for three weeks in this flat so you can come over loads but can also have your own space and whisk the DCs off for a lovely time with their granny when I am tired and tetchy, I would really appreciate it".

Original poster

youtalkintome · 30/11/2011 12:23

That's the thing there isn't really space issues as such but she really makes herself at home when here, lovely that she feels so comfortable but my dc also get quite unsettled, start waking at half 5 etc and she has been known to get up in the middle of the night with them and put on cartoons and make them hot milk etc which they only do because she is a pushover it can get quite uncomfortable.

OP posts:

SinicalSal · 30/11/2011 12:24

Blame it on yourself being overemotional and grumpy

themildmanneredjanitor · 30/11/2011 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

youtalkintome · 30/11/2011 12:28

chrimbly you don't know my DM she was desperate to be there at the birth i wasn't comfortable and DH said no way we have had to repeat this 3 times with each dc. When ds was born she hopped on a plane at the same time my waters broke he was born in the night and she was at the hospital in the Am and stayed a week., god it's hard, i'd be the same with mt GC but she loves a new baby i wouldn't want her to wait either can't wait to show baby off but with her coming back at Christmas it's just akward timing, i wouldn't want her not to come for Christmas either and be on her own .

OP posts:

Original poster

youtalkintome · 30/11/2011 12:29

Apologies for my awful punctuation.

OP posts:

NotnOtter · 30/11/2011 12:33

Well at the risk of her beibg offended I'd do it anyway. I can't abide house guests not ever ,so at birth time it's a big no no. She's an adult she can cope

TheRhubarb · 30/11/2011 12:35

Hard one.

Trouble is she will at yours joining in with the general family atmosphere and then at night she is packed off to stay on her own. She could feel lonely and left out, or even worse, unwanted.

Looking at it from her point of view only - she would feel you were just trying to ship her off to a convenient place. And no amount of excuses such as "well the baby will keep you up" will wash as she'd reply that this is exactly why she is coming to help, so that she can do a few night shifts too.

Yet from your point of view I can completely understand your need for space.

Look, the only thing you can do is be completely honest with her. Don't fob her off with excuses as that will only make her feel worse. Just tell her that you really want the time on your own as you will be feeling hormonal and crabby and just can't deal with visitors at that time. She's had kids herself so there is a chance she will understand if you are totally honest about how you feel.

But I would invite her to stay over at Christmas. Don't send her off to spend the Christmas period in a flat on her own. Let her stay over.

TheRhubarb · 30/11/2011 12:36

Another idea, if the flat permits, is to suggest that she take one of the children off your hands for a while too - they'd love a sleepover with granny I'm sure. That would be doing you a huge favour and she might like the time with one of her grandchildren by herself.

Honesty is your best policy here. Or you risk making her feel really really bad.

TheOldestCat · 30/11/2011 12:42

Agree with TheRhubarb - I needed DD out of the house when having a homebirth. I know not everyone is the same, but my contractions slowed down and stopped when she was in the room. Once my SIL picked her up, DS was born quickly.

So, in my longwinded way, I'm seconding the suggestion that your DM takes some or all of your older DC off to the apartment, if practical.

That way she'll feel she's helping.

Original poster

youtalkintome · 30/11/2011 12:46

I think honesty is best too and I think she will be offended but I suppose what I hope she would see is that this is the compromise between her coming and not coming. She will be staying at MILs house with me over Christmas so that isn't a problem. She can also have my car so as she can come and go as she pleases. I think she feels bad already and this may go some way to rectifying it or not.

From my POV I am feeling pretty awful at the min very oversensitive and sort of just want to be left alone by everyone Dh is avoiding me I can see that as lovely as It would be to have my mum around we would probably clash about something. I also hate feeling like a watched pot with everyone waiting for you to go into labour but it would be nice to have some company say meet for lunch etc. Arrrggh i'm no good at this. I hate being the child of Divorced parents tis a nightmare makes me feel 12 again

OP posts:

Original poster

youtalkintome · 30/11/2011 12:47

Actually Rhubarb the helping with dc during the birth is quite a good angle.

OP posts:

TheRhubarb · 30/11/2011 13:07

Ok so you are totally honest and say this arrangement gives you both the space you need. Gently explain that you just want time to enjoy your new baby and not have the family routine so disrupted (as kids will be doubly excited having new baby AND granny). This ensures that you and your dh can stick to a routine for the children's sake and she gets a good nights sleep so that she's better able to help you out during the day.

Plus it's much more of a treat for the kids to each take turns in staying with granny and she would enjoy that time with them too.

It's a good compromise all round. Hope she sees it that way too

cocoachannel · 30/11/2011 13:11

I just asked my Mum how she'd feel. She said it would be fine, but with a face that looked liked she was chewing a bee, so clearly she would actually be upset.

Adversecamber · 30/11/2011 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

youtalkintome · 30/11/2011 13:28

Thanks, I feel better about asking her. I think what will probably happen is she'll be upset but will logically know it's the best thing, if she really isn't happy I may suggest she stays here with DH and the kids and I move to the flat it's lovely and shiny and new.

OP posts:

Original poster

youtalkintome · 30/11/2011 13:28

and quiet.

OP posts:

shakemyhead · 30/11/2011 13:35

Be honest, discuss the flat but make it clear she will not HAVE to stay there all the time. Otherwise if she is doing your head in leave her at your house with dc and you go to the flat for a few hours.

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