DH's horrid ex at beloved FIL's funeral

[griefstricken]

first of all, everyone please be gentle i am feeling extremely fragile.

beloved FIL passed away recently. i was very close to him, my own father left when i was young, FIL was a truly wonderful man. his death is a great loss for the whole family. my DH has flown back home for funeral (we live overseas). for a variety of reasons, mostly financial, it was impossible for me go too. i mean truly impossible, i am devastated about not being there, crying my eyes out.

bit of back story - DH has an ex who he dated while at university. they were quite serious but split up when she had an affair. he then got together with me which she hated as she was begging for him back. she caused a lot of trouble between us and she really is a horrible, manipulative person. she spread a lot of rumours about me amongst their group of university friends, tried to isolate me from everyone, called me a whore, made racist remarks. finally DH and i got engaged and moved away but i have never spoken to her since and still can't forgive her.

anyway i've just today found out that she has showed up at FIL's funeral. she also stayed a night in the village and i've just found that they all (DH and uni friends) went out for a drink and catch up after the funeral and she also visited my MIL (not invited, just dropped in unannounced). i am really upset. she has not kept in touch with DH's parents over the years although she has continued to make spiteful remarks about me and DCs to our friends.

aaargh i know i am probably BU and she has every right to pay her last respects but i am just so devatstaed that as DIL i am not there and she is. i miss my FIL so much and i know my grief is probably making me blow the whole thing out of proportion but i am so upset! AIBU in thinking she should not have come, but if she felt she had to, she should've just slipped in and out without hanging around, visiting my MIL and going for drinks with DH? sigh, reading this back, i know i sound selfish and jealous, but i can't help it.

YANBU

YANBU

YANBU in being upset about this - that is understandable.

But YABu, sorry about expecting her not to go there and not to visit/go out for a drink with people. I fully believe that funerals should be open to everyone and that no one has a right to dictate who should or shouldn't go. None of us know how much somebody means to another person, even if they hadn't seen them for years.

Similarly it is up to her if she wants to visit the MIl and if MIl isn't happy with this, then she or a close relative needed to say this. Many people would think it is rude to turn up at a funeral and just go without talking to or visiting those affected. So she may have thought this was the polite thing to do. You may not agree, but just trying to point out that some would see her actions here as perfectly reasonable.

In terms of going out for a drink with uni friends, they are her friends too and she is perfectly entitled to go out with them. If your DH had asked her not to join them, then she may be BU to still go. But as you don't mention it I presume he didn't.

I know she behaved really badly, but she and your DH are not together any more. It is in the past.

I think your understandable grief at your FIL's death and not being able to be there at the funeral are magnifying the understandably negative feelings you have about this woman.
I am sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss.
It sounds like your family has lost a really wonderful man.
I am also sorry that you couldn't get home for his funeral. I'm sure he would have understood and that he is sitting on a cloud touched by how you are grieving for him.

With regards to your DH's ex, well, you are very sensitive at the moment and it is a shame that her appearance is making you feel worse that you already did.
However, she really isn't worth getting so upset about.
You are upset and jealous that she has been able to go where you wanted to but couldn't.
You wanted to be at the funeral, with your DH, with his family and in the pub with them all. Unfortunataly that wasn't possible and less fortunately she was there.
It's easy to say, but don't worry about it. She's not worth it and nobody will believe anything she says about you or your DCs. Your DH is there too and he will correct anything she says that's out of line.

Have a good cry, punch a cushion or two, open a nice bottle of wine and watch some comedy to cheer yourself up.
You'll feel better when DH gets home to you. :)

I agree with everything that Lesley said. And I'd just like to add something. You've described your FIL as wonderful. It's because of his loveliness that your DH's ex wanted to say her good-byes.

Best wishes.

I am sorry for your loss but you are being unreasonable. It is understandable that you are cheesed off about this but it is not to do with you who attends a funeral.

Please get a grip on what is important here - she has not had the benefit of the relationship you have had with your FIL - being part of a family whilst someone is alive is of far greater significance than turning up at a funeral. You have that and she cannot take that away so chill and concentrate on looking after yourself and your husband.