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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend I won't support her if she takes her bf back?

17 replies

banana87 · 28/11/2011 19:05

Best friend has been dating her bf for a year. When they got together he was living with a "friend" who was female. Bf is a nice guy but a but shady. He can't make eye contact when speaking to anyone, is very quiet and secretive, and has jealousy issues.

The kicker is that the "friend" he was living with had confessed her love to him before he met my friend but she didn't feel the same way. My friend was never allowed at his place because of said roommate. He also would lie to said roommate about where he was, I.e. he went away with my friend for the weekend and told her that he was going to visit his sister. After much pressure from my friend, he finally moved out in August.

The other night he apparently confessed that he had been sleeping with the roommate the whole time. My friend was heartbroken.

I've just spoken to her and she's meeting up with him to talk, and she says she's not made her decision ( he wants her back, of course!) and asked me to support her either way. I've said I will of course remain her friend but I cannot support her if she takes him back. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

banana87 · 28/11/2011 19:06

Should say HE didn't feel same way about roommate!

OP posts:

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 28/11/2011 19:06

What support is she asking of you in the matter?

EssentialFattyAcid · 28/11/2011 19:08

Does she not need your support even more if she makes bad decisions?

squeakytoy · 28/11/2011 19:09

YAB a bit U. She is your friend, and while you may not agree with her decision, it is her life and it is her mistake to make. I completely agree she is a fool and is making a huge mistake if she takes him back, but you are her friend, and a friends care should be fairly unconditional unless they are doing something that hurts you personally, which this doesnt.

thisisyesterday · 28/11/2011 19:12

well you won't really remain her friend then will you?

you don't have to think what she is doing is a good idea. but seriously... if she is your friend and she goes back to him will you really refuse to talk to her if she comes running when it goes wrong again?
if she speaks about him will you just tell her to shut up?

the 2 things are kind of intertwined aren't they? and I think a good friend can/should be supportive regardless of whether your friend is making decisions you think are wrong.

ImperialBlether · 28/11/2011 19:16

I did this with a friend of mine. She'd been having an affair with a man for many, many years. He would blow hot and cold, always about to leave, then he would leave, then within minutes he'd be back.

I had to tell her not to contact me unless it was over and she intended to make a new start. It wasn't for the morality of the situation but the damage she was doing to herself. I couldn't go through her raised and dashed hopes any more. He was so bad for her and I couldn't bear to watch her do that to herself.

I really miss her and can only assume it's still ongoing.

omaoma · 28/11/2011 19:19

er... had to be friends with two people who made relationship choices i could see were going to end in tears. i figured it was better they had somebody to talk to who had an objective AND caring view so if they needed to open up about when (and it was when, not if) it all went tits up, they could. also included gritting my teeth and socialising with the arseholes in question.

they knew i was concerned about how the partners in question treated them but i was never honest about how appalled i was.

both times they really needed all the friends they could get when it ended badly.

all you can do is be honest if she asks for your honest opinion, and be caring otherwise. you can tell her you are worried about her if it seems to be affecting her badly. if you hear of something that really concerns you (eg, abusive or really bad behaviour etc) you can start offering your thoughts and help where nec, but she won't trust you enough to open up if you are too cold-hearted.

Rhubarbgarden · 28/11/2011 19:20

Being a friend is about being there to pick up the pieces. Yes it's frustrating when a friend does something you think is stupid and you've advised them against - but if you are a true friend you have to just let that go and be ready to provide a shoulder to cry on. Or you can choose to walk away; in which case you cease to be a friend and become an acquaintance. Your choice.

Original poster

banana87 · 28/11/2011 19:21

Gah. Yes, it will change our relationship if she takes him back but to be honest we haven't been as close for a while, pretty much since it became blindingly obvious to me that he was a twat. So I suppose nothing will change in that sense, other than I won't be having dinners with the two of them anymore or allowing them to take my DD out as a couple. People like him are nasty pieces of work.

OP posts:

FreudianSlipper · 28/11/2011 19:28

i support my friends whatever they are doing but i am always try to be honest with them (at times i hold back until its the right time to be honest)

that is what friendship is about being there through the good times and bad times like they have for me. its hard at times to see someone you love hurt themselves especially when you have helped them move on. a very close friend of mine came round for dinner and her soon to be ex husband who is very controlling picked her up :( she was a bag of nerves again but without her friends support she will not move on if her friends do not believe in her who will

and imperial why not contact your friend i am sure she is really missing you too, do not let him break your friendship up

omaoma · 28/11/2011 19:30

maybe good for everyone if you try to stick to one-to-ones with your mate for a while. don't keep going on about him tho, just have a good time and stay quiet - she's presumably in love, she doesn't want to hear you banging on about what a dick he is, and you won't get a chance to be the voice of reason if you alienate her completely.

Original poster

banana87 · 28/11/2011 19:36

I have never bad mouthed him to her and wouldn't because I know it would push her away. When she would talk about him I would just remain quiet and then change the subject. Of course I will be there to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart again, it just watching the self destruction . And by support I don't mean not be there for her, I mean not condone her decision to take him back, if that's what she decides. She knows how I feel now I have begged her to have more respect for herself so I feel that's all I need to say unless she asks again.

OP posts:

AngelDelightIsIndeedDelightful · 28/11/2011 19:37

I have friends who support me even though it's blindingly obvious to everyone that I should give up on my dh. They respect my choice and support me whatever I do. To me, that is the true definition of a friend. They help me through the bad times and refrain from saying I told you so.

You can't choose who you fall in love with. I would have been devastated if my friends tried to make me choose between him and them. I just couldn't do it and would have been so hurt that they had tried.

YANBU to think he's bad for her, but YABU for considering dropping her over it. If it ends badly she's going to need you.

CailinDana · 28/11/2011 19:41

You're clearly a rubbish friend. Stating that the friendship is conditional on her making the decisions you want her to make is totally U and a bit weird to be honest. She should tell you to get lost.

maypole1 · 28/11/2011 19:45

ImperialBlether same sort of thing happened to me my mate started dating a guy who didn't get on with her teenage son at all but loved her small baby to bit,

he was a nasty piece of work accused a married friend of just 6 months of ours of making a pass at him, which was found not to be true.

the kicker for me when he told her she could no longer be with him and have her son living their two weeks later she installed her son with her parents

which i found just too much she then announced she was getting married one month later i said i would come to the wedding but felt i just couldn't be a brides maid i was uninvited to the wedding having spoke since.

i have heard they have gone on to have 3 more children and yes the oldest son is still with gran parents

i just could not support that behaviour

Original poster

banana87 · 28/11/2011 20:28

Cailin- um, when exactly did I say our friendship was conditional on her not taking him back? Did you read the thread or are you just spouting off? I'm her friend regardless, that doesn't mean accepting him too.

Angel- its up to her if she takes him back, but I don't have to say "well done, I'm so happy for you!". I've said I'll be there to pick up the pieces, which is exactly what I've spent the last 4 days doing!

OP posts:

suburbophobe · 28/11/2011 21:12

Being a friend is sometimes like being a parent. You have to let them get on and make their own mistakes and then be there for them when the sh*t hits the fan.

You could have a heart-to-heart about the importance of safe sex....

Also, there's no rule in friendship that says you have to have their OH tag along when you meet up.

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