To hate myself right now?

[Thereistoomuchconfusion]

since 2nd dc was born a year ago I have alienated myself from my family an friends. I have found things tough with two under 3, to the point I have had some pretty dark thoughts which I have been put on anti'ds and feel better although I have stooped taking them through forgetting and then a week went by and I haven't bothered for last few weeks. The saw doctor who prescribed me some more and I never got the prescription (I'm a dickhead!).

Anyway the point of my post is since I have been feeling this way. I haven't met up with friends and if I have made plans more often than not I will cancel them for many reasons, I'm anxious about going, worrying about how my children will behave and most of all I just cannot be bothered and find it hard to believe anyone would really want to meet me and I don't want to meet people out of sympathy.

Today I found out my best friend who I have know since I was 12 got engaged at the weekend. She didn't even tell me. I text her and she text back mr best friend proposed and I said yes I'm so excited. It happened sat she didn't even think to ring! I realise I sound like I self absorbed idiot and cannot help thinking if I didn't live in this bubble of fear of what ifs maybe I would be more involved in those I care about lives.

Sorry for crappy self obsessed post, but my flakey attitude and being a let down has driven away those I care most about and I feel incredibly sad and for want of a better word so pissed off with with myself about this all.

Tbh and from experience you are not helping matters with not taking those
Meds

I know I'm not convinced they help anyway, just make me feel weird and my gp is lovely but I get myself in such a state going there, that I forget everything I want to say.

Tbh posting this probably isn't helping either, wallowing in it is not productive to
Anyone. I tried to ring my dsis but she did not answer I felt so upset I just thought I'd write it down on here. Kinda of regretting posting it now.

Give the meds a good go - a month at least - then go back to the GP's if they are still not helping.

I know how you feel. It's a vicious circle of isolating yourself, then not going out and doing things which will lift your mood, then feeling like nobody misses you, so your mood gets lower, so the cycle starts again. You aren't wallowing, what you are describing is a symptom of an illness, and if the treatment you are getting ATM is't working, or you aren't adhering to it, then you need to tackle that.

Also, it makes you a bit paranoid - your friend not telling you her news may have nothing at all to do with you.

You are not a bad person, you are "self-obsessed" because depression and anxiety are making you obsess about your feelings, at the moment. It doesn't mean you will always feel like this.

. You need to get your meds sorted first. Write down what you want to tell your gp and take the list with you.It can take ages to find the right medication, and in my experience they always made me feel strange/terrible/worse at first . They do work eventually.Dont beat yourself up - you are ill and can only do so much at the moment.

Your post struck a chord with me. I have a friend who suffers from depression and she often doesn't want to keep in touch and cancels plans at the last minute. For a while one of my friends and I wondered what we had done to upset her, but she told me that it wasn't anything we had done.

Often when you are depressed the people around you don't understand and feel shut out because you find it so difficult to communicate with them. If your best friend doesn't know you are depressed and just thinks you can't be bothered with her it isn't surprising that she didn't tell you about her engagement. Being depressed is horrible, but it is hard work for those around you because they simply don't understand. I would try and give the tablets another go. I know they usually take about a month to work so please don't give up too soon.

I hope you feel better soon

the best advice I could give you is do what you don't want to do...
if you dont feel like being with friends then aim for at least one time a week, where you "make" yourself have fun, maybe you will begin to enjoy it again, try to write down what you don't like in your life, but also write down what you do like, look at what you can change, and do it gradually, and the things you can't change accept that, and try to see tham in a new positivve way, try buying a book about cognative therapy(changing the way you think)

tell your family how you are doing, take time to talk about it, but...
remember it ok to have FUN!

try set yourself small things that you should do every day to makee YOU happy, may paint your nails, but your favourite food, whatever, but think of you in a positive way.

you know, you are a good mum, you are not a failure, and people genuinaly love you for who you are, belive in yourself. you are beautiful funny and smart, life will look better for you soon. don't give up, enjoy life, life is what you make it.

maybe try taking vitamins, if your diet is not that healthy, that can sometimes give you and extra burst of energy.

lets us know how you are doing

remembee love you and look after you, God bless

maybe she has tried in the past to contact you and got the brush off or no reply and didnt think you were interested anymore

these things happen

Sweetheart, I posted on the thread about Gary Speed. I understand how you feel, but you must give your meds a chance to work. It can take a good month for them to start working - if they don't work, go back and try some different ones. Keep going until you find the right ones for you.

WRGT getting into a flap at the GPs, write a letter, telling him your thoughts and feelings, how you are feeling. Take the letter in with you and give it to him to read. That way you don't have to verbalise it, which I found helps massively, and you won't forget what you need to say.

My thoughts are with you. Be kind to yourself, and help yourself. We are all here if you need to offload. Use us for that.

I have nothing helpful to say OP except I could have written your post myself :(

Same here OP I could have written your post too. Please go back to your Dr and get back on the meds - they do make a difference and will get you back on an even keel but you need to give them 4-6 weeks to start working and they can make you dip a bit before they start to work but once they do you will feel better.

I have to push myself to make the effort to meet up with friends but despite all the anxiety I do enjoy it when I make the effort and the DC's love it. If you feel anxious about going to a friends house then why not try soft play where you can worry less about them running riot.

Also make some time for you - can you go out one evening a week to an exercise class or meet a friend for a drink? Again this makes me feel better and more like the old me because I can relax more without the DC's around.

Hugs xx

Thank you all so much for your support. I cannot tell you how much it has lifted me today. I feel so embarrassed to go to gp as I literally went a month ago to ask for more and then never took the prescription to pharmacy. Does anyone know if I can still get the tablets from that prescription? I'm so embarrassed to say I didn't get the prescription. I think she might thinking wasting her time.

You should be able to get your meds but even if you can't your gp should be understanding if you go back. They see lots of people who need help, and know that sometimes its hard to accept.
I felt almost exactly how you describe. Anti depressants brought me back to myself.
Honestly, they do work. Give them a proper try. Good luck.

Pleeeease don't be embarrassed, or go, and tell her that you feel embarrassed - it's OK. As perplexed says, they are used to it

Are you on SSRI''s such as Fluoxetine? or a SNRI?

They can take at least 3 wks to kick in.

You must take your medication. You could also ask for a referral to your community mental health team for some short-medium term targeted therapy. f you have managed to already visit the doctor then why ignore or take-less-than-seriously his advice?

If the reason you 'forget' to take/renew your medication is because deep down you either do not want to take pills or feel he is not listening to you, or want a 'quicker fix' or feel they are not working, then go back and tell him!

Your friend was probably feeling sensitive to your low mood and worried being happy would be like 'rubbing your nose' in it at a bad time for you. Or maybe she feels hurt that you have withdrawn and maybe neglected her a little.

Depression and anxiety are awful and they tend to make it harder for a sufferer to see things from any perspective other than their own skewed one. So get help. And see it through.

You can ring up and ask for a new prescription because they tend to only prescribe one months supply of anti depressants now so you are due for a refill anyway.

She put me on setraline 50mgs I took them for two months and I felt awful then better. I honestly didn't believe it was the setraline improving things I just felt I was more like me again, time had passed from a semi traumatic birth and I started to feel better thinking i was naturally getting better, nit convinced tablets were contributing at all. Then we went camping I forget them for 3 nights 3 nights turned into weeks and gradually I started to get worse again. So hence return to doctors and got another prescription. I had a 'good day' after seeing the doctor and convinced myself that I'm ok I don't need them.

I don't want to give too much away for identity purposes but there is a strong family history of mental health problems and I am afraid I am slipping down that slope. I guess that's why I'm
Denying myself the tablets in some weird way I just don't want this to be happening to me

Rationally I know none of the above makes sense but I think that is my reluctance with it all.

Theristoomuch - I don't know what your family history is, but I know exactly what you mean, and it's horrible. I fear for myself, and one of my DCs, because I see a vulnerability there. But don't bury your head, take control.

You know the truth. You have written it. Take your pills. See your doctor. The only thing you are denying yourself is a recovery. This is not the time to ponder issues of self fulfilling prophecies and whatever else is motivating your procrastination, resistance and semi denial. The time to do that is after a few months on medication when you can ask for a CPN (community mental health nurse) and engage in some talking therapies.

Any mental health professional will tell you that your priority now is to stabilise your condition. To regulate your sleep and eating.

Time to face the truth now. Do you really, really want things to get any worse? It will make your recovery so much more prolonged.

Go back to the doctor. Take a friend. Or write him a letter. But go back.

I wish you well.

It's true, when you are feeling more energetic, you can implement some behavioural and talking techniques.

When I get depressed I find Prozac helps enormously. Don't stop the meds but consider some CBT when you are feeling more stable. And don't beat yourself up, you are suffering from a chemical inbalance in the brain, not your fault. We nice to yourself darling.

Be nice I mean...