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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that being a WOHM is not compatable with no support?

21 replies

Wev · 28/11/2011 16:13

I work part time 9-3 5 days a week. My dh works away and I have no family support near by. All childcare I need to pay for.

But life throws some curve balls, and some things are what happens with kids.

During the summer term, my ds broke his arm at school, and had to be admitted to hospital to have it operated on. Therefore I got a call at lunchtime, had to leave work to go and take him to hospital, resulting in half a day's annual leave, and then a week's annual leave whilst he was in hospital. I've then used other annual leave to help with the school holidays, and had an hour's annual leave left to use for the nativity play (starts 2.30 in the afternoon so would have to leave at 2pm to get to it).

I got a call on Friday lunch time from the school to say that my ds had a suspected broken leg, and could I take him to hospital. My immediate line manager wasn't around so I informed someone else where I was going and went.

Today I asked if I could preferably work the 3 hours I missed on Friday after work today and tomorrow i.e. work 3-5 today and 3-4 tomorrow, or if they wanted me to I would take it as unpaid leave. The response was by allowing me to work the hours that would be preferential treatment, for all the other staff who are full time and don't have children, and as I still had leave I would have to take that and have 2 hours unpaid.

I said that I wanted that hour to go and watch my son's play, and got the response that I'd lost that opportunity, and was not able to watch him.

I understand that work is work, and will regularly stay on for meetings that are beyond 3pm to help other people, and I'm not expecting anything for free, i.e. willing to make up the hours or take it as unpaid.

Prefer of course to make up the hours rather than lose pay, but understand that may not be of choice.

But just feel so sad, that I'm now missing my ds' nativity play. Sad

Going to sit down and work out the finances, and see how we'll be if I don't work, as I want the memories of my ds' play to look back on when I'm old, not of the hours sat in an office.

OP posts:
PopcornMouse · 28/11/2011 16:35

I would post about this in legal or employment for some advice, OP? Iirc, work has to give you flexibility where it's available, if you have children - and it very much sounds like it was within their power to offer it.

DrCoconut · 28/11/2011 21:53

There is an awful virus going round. I think I'd catch it if I were you. Get yourself a couple of days off and cut yourself some slack. Unless you were caught Christmas shopping or something they'd have a hell of a job to prove anything. Normally I don't think it's a right thing to do but in the circumstances.....

MrsHarryPearce · 28/11/2011 22:04

2 broken limbs is pretty unlucky! You are entitled to emergency dependants leave or parental leave for such events, not for the nativity play though. Morally you may have to for go the timeoff for the play although I think the sickie option is good. Just another working mum trade off really.

Lucy88 · 28/11/2011 22:27

I realy wouldn't take no any notice of DrCoconut - you would only end up with more problems. Employers don't have to prove anything when it comes to being of sick. If you are not fulfilling your contract by being in work for your contracted hours, then its a capability issue. I really wouldn't go down that route - it would make the relationship in work with your boss very unpleasant.

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 28/11/2011 22:35

I think you and your dh possibly need to pay for a bit more childcare - ie. school holidays - leaving you with more free days for odd bits like the nativity.

hairylights · 28/11/2011 22:36

" Iirc, work has to give you flexibility where it's available, if you have children - and it very much sounds like it was within their power to offer it.
"

Not strictly true.

They should offer unpaid leave for emergencies (not general child care even when a child is Ill. But employers can tell you when to take your annual leave.

They do sound quite mean though :(. In this situation I'd have said "take unpaid leave for this and retain your annual leave for your sons event".

Arion · 28/11/2011 22:43

Wev, look at the DirectGov website here

Direct quote:

"In many cases you have the right to take time off work to deal with an emergency involving someone who depends on you (sometimes called compassionate leave). You can?t be penalised by your employer for taking the time off, providing your reasons for taking it are genuine."

You do have more rights to unpaid time as a parent (or carer). They cannot discriminate against you for taking unpaid leave to deal with an emergency.

I work in HR, PM me if you want more info / other sites of help.

Good luck!

Dozer · 28/11/2011 22:54

Sounds really hard. On the childcare front, maybe an au pair might be a good option?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 28/11/2011 22:54

As a single parent WOHM I totally understand how you feel, it's so hard juggling everything. I'm lucky because I have a really supportive employer but even so, I often have many balls in the air. How old is your DS? I'm asking because I believe parents of under 6's are entitled to so many days of unpaid parental leave per year so you may be able to take it this way. Will they let you have the hour off unpaid to go to the play?

Long term, even if you can't leave work for financial reasons, maybe look for a different job. Either that, or could your DH leave his work to go to pick the kids up if they're sick or injured, so you aren't in this situation again?

ssd · 28/11/2011 23:08

sorry, as someone else with no support at all, I'd say you just have to miss it

its crap, but you need the job and the money and thats about the bottom line

sucks tho'

Original poster
Wev · 29/11/2011 08:12

Yes I will be missing this one, and feel very sad that my ds won't have anyone in the audience to watch him.

At the start of the year, I did have holiday left over from school holidays allocated for sports day, christmas show, fair, etc, but having to lose 5.5 days of leave for his broken arm used that up. Which I appreciate isn't my works fault.

Nor is it my work's fault that I had to go out for 3 hours on Friday to take him to A&E.

However, when working in a back end office environment, with no customer contact etc, that a bit of flexibility of me doing 1 extra hour on a different day (offered to do it on any day of this or next week that helped), or not paying me for 1 hour, taking my half hour break at 2pm and having half an hour unpaid or any other conatation of that, has been declined.

Just feel anti-work at the moment. But I will wait with great excitement for the school's dvd to come out.

BTW he's 6.

OP posts:
hairylights · 29/11/2011 08:16

the more I think about this, the more mean I think they are Angry

ChitChattingElf · 29/11/2011 08:19

I completely understand and agree. My DH works ridiculously long hours, and finds it very difficult to take time off work for anything. I have no family in ths country, I have friends, but none that have the ability to help out as they work full time. I've had to make the decision to not work and do 1 day of voluntary work to keep my sanity.

It's so bloody hard!!!!

When DS2 starts nursery I'll have a bit more free time, but not enough to do any work in unless I do something for myself.

ssd · 29/11/2011 08:32

yes, this indeed is rubbish Sad

I suppose the only solution is to try to get a boss who has been in your/our situation and is understanding and flexible

in real life this is mostly impossible

I can remember asking 2 female bosses of mine for more flexibility at work when ds1 started school., I couldnt afford after school care and all day care for the hours I was asked to do and I asked for something that was easily doable where I worked. All I wanted was not to pay all my wages in childcare. Both my female bosses actually gasped and laughed at me Shock, they both said "I cant pick up my dd from school", (which I asked for 1 day a week to save some cm money), when I asked how they managed they both said their mums provided free, full time flexible childcare for them and they seen no reason for me to ask for a small change in hours which would mean I wouldnt pay everything in childcare, they both totally couldnt get it and was amazed I would even ask.

I had to eventually leave that job and now 10 yrs later I earn half of what I did then

it is just total crap op

mich54321 · 29/11/2011 19:27

I work 3 days a week and I'm lucky as my boss will let me swap days for events like this. So, he gets 100% effort when I am there, I don't pull sickies because I know he's accommodating and if they are short staffed on days I don't work, I flip my days to help them (school club have always managed to let me change days with enough notice). A flexible working environment would mean that the company get far more from their employees than a stressed parent trying to juggle everything I really can't see what the problem was in OP making up the time - they still got the same amount of work done just a different time scale. If you work 21 hours a week, does it matter how it's done for a one off

northerngirl41 · 29/11/2011 19:36

I don't think they are being unreasonable - they are applying one policy across the board for all workers. If one of your childfree colleagues had had a drama at home necessitating time off and then wanted to still take holiday time, they'd have the same arrangement - unpaid leave.

callmemrs · 29/11/2011 21:04

I think if you are a working parent you just have to accept that you pay for as much childcare as you need. Life throws curve balls and you just deal with that as it crops up. Having support networks around such as extended family might be a bonus, but you shouldn't rely on that.

ssd · 30/11/2011 09:37

but thats just it callmemers, most people who have extended family always seem able to rely on it, whilst it seems if you have none you are stuffed

mich54321, your boss sounds great!

porcamiseria · 30/11/2011 09:47

I think the issue s that your DH is away, so when the shit hits the fan you have no support.

I dont think work are BU to be honest, shit happens. I am missing natvity cos I have a meeting. Not ideal but c'est la vie

But I dont think ts helpful to demonise your office. the issue is that your DH works away so you are picking up ALL of the slack. I am sympathethic, it cant be easy

and yes your work could be more flex, but in parallel you have lost alot of time recently due to illnesses etc

Its hard, but it seems unfair that your DH is not helping, almost unworkable to be honest?

Yama · 30/11/2011 10:08

Agree with Porcamiseria. The issue is that your dh does not share the parenting resposibility.

Dh and I both work full time. We have two dc. We have both taken unpaid leave to look after ill children.

We are both the dc's parents and our jobs are of equal importantance.

Yama · 30/11/2011 10:08

importance Don't know what happened there.

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