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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say no to the money? (Long)

10 replies

Bobyan · 28/11/2011 11:33

We moved into a very run down house and over the last year we have totally renovated it. We are now at the point where there is only the ground floor to finish, unfortunately it is taking longer than DH and I expected.

My ILS have in the past undermined me to the point that I no longer go to their home and try my best to stay out of the way when they visit. Without listing everything that has happened, my MIL has amongst other things, whilst visiting them, fed my dairy intolerant DS cows milk, chocolate and yoghurt after been told not to. Consequently when DS then had a leaky poo a few hours later refused to let me put his clothes in the washing machine.
Allowed DS (then aged 2) to play on a staircase with no banister and then couldn?t understand why I tried to stop it (he promptly fell and banged his head). There are pages of other things I could list, but hopefully you get the picture...

This Christmas they have sent us a cheque for a large sum of money to finish the house, I don?t want to take it as I feel it will result in a situation that they will feel we owe them. My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and we should take the money. The situation is further complicated by the fact my DH may lose his job in the near future and I feel if he is insistent on taking the money he should save it until his job is safer...

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/11/2011 11:37

I think this should be down to your DH ultimately...they're his parents after all

myBOYSareBONKERS · 28/11/2011 11:39

Is it a gift or will you have to re-pay it?

Bobyan · 28/11/2011 11:42

I have told Dh if he wants to take the money he has to tell them that I am not in favour of it... I feel it should be a gift from his parents to him.

Interestingly they offered to lend us a smaller amount last year, but this cheque is a gift.

OP posts:
1Catherine1 · 28/11/2011 11:43

Is the money a loan or a gift? Why would waiting till his job being safer a good idea? Surely you'll need the money more if he is out of work? Or is it because you would prefer the option of replying with "here, take it back" if they try to play that card?

I would agree it is up to your DH but I would also say that you make it clear to your DH that it does not change anything between you and the MIL.

MIL sounds like a real bitch BTW... not letting you put her grandchild's clothes in the wash when in was really her fault?

ViviPru · 28/11/2011 11:45

DO they live nearby? What's the likelihood of them holding it over you becoming a massive pain?

I can picture myself in your situation OP as I have a similar dynamic with my ILs and DP and I plan to self-build. I have hypothetically wondered what I would do in the probably unlikely event that they would give us financial support toward it. I usually conclude that I'd rather live out my days in a static caravan on a building site than feel the tiniest bit beholden to them.

Your situation has made me think again though, I think it would really depend on how much of a sacrifice that money is to them, and how many opportunities they would have to remind us of their generosity...

I think in your shoes, the best thing to do would be to either accept the money and place it in savings or ask for them to sit tight with theier offer and do nothing with the house until your DHs employment situation becomes more clear, and then if when he turns out to be ok, return it to them/decline it.

QuintessentialMercury · 28/11/2011 11:47

I think sometimes you need to swallow your own pride and see past your own misgivings. They are his parents, and you would be a twat to refuse him receiving this help from them. Sorry.

Them giving him money for Christmas has nothing to do with your issues with your mil and parenting, even if she is silly.

Bobyan · 28/11/2011 11:56

1C1 - yes my Mil is a piece of work! This money is a gift, and if we did accept it I would want to save it incase we need it to cover our living cost should DH lose his job.

VP - I might be joining you in the caravan :)

QM - I think I might be more willing if DH would make it clear that the gift is for him only, but the card the cheque was in was to both of us.

OP posts:
NotaTeacherBasher · 28/11/2011 12:00

Erm, just out of interest, how much money are we talking here?

QuintessentialMercury · 28/11/2011 12:04

They are just being polite. Smile

To give you an example of when you SHOULD refuse a gift:
When my dad wanted to sponsor us 8k to build a garden office...... in exchange for us NOT going to see my husbands family for summer holidays. (His logic was, if we could afford to go and see dhs mum, then we could afford to fund our own garden office....)

Bobyan · 28/11/2011 19:22

It's £5k, which in itself is part of the issue, as if we needed to repay them it would take years...

OP posts:
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