To send my ex teacher a message through FB

[DollyDealer]

I've namechanged.

When I was at secondary school, my (female) English teacher didn't like me at all and was very mentally abusive towards me. I was bullied at secondary school and didn't have many friends and the teacher picked up on this and basically joined in. She used to say she had never known a pupil as unpopular as me and it was obviously me that was to blame (I don't believe it was, I was/am a very quiet person and to be honest at school I wanted to learn). Not a lesson went by without her telling me, usually in front of the class, that I wasn't very nice, or with her basically joining in if others were being unkind to me. On the last lesson that she taught me for (at the end of year 11) she said again in front of the class that her biggest wish was that I would learn to grow up to be "human" and perhaps even - shock horror - make friends. What was horrible too was that she seemed to be everyone else's favourite teacher as she was "nice" to others except me. BTW I did have a few friends at school and since leaving school I've had no problems making friends.

It has now been almost 20 years since I left school. I have suffered with low self esteem for years mainly because of the bullying and her treatment contributed to that bullying I feel. She is still teaching at the same school, no doubt picking on other pupils. I've been having counselling for a couple of years and it's come to light that her comments have caused me so much harm mentally. I feel like I am making progress with my counselling now and I feel so angry towards her that I want to confront her. I've seen that she has a facebook profile which is open to receive messages and I feel like sending her a very assertive, but not aggressive, message saying how she has damaged me mentally and that she was a very mentally abusive teacher. Mainly with the intention of making her feel bad and making her think about her actions. It does concern me too that she is still teaching.

AIBU to send one or should I leave it?

I understand your anger but I am not sure a confrontation on FB is a good idea. And you need to think what you want out of contacting her - what if she turns round and says that she doesn't care what you think.

I'm so sorry this was not dealt with at the time. her behaviour seems disgraceful.

I know if it were me I would send her a message, but only privately and in an adult way inform her of all the damage her bullying caused me.
I'd also want to inform the school she was teaching at about my experiences with her so nobody else would have to suffer the same.
I was bullied throughout school and know all too well the severe harm it caused to your self esteem.
I wouldn't expect a reasonable response from her though, she sounds like an horrific person, but I would probably feel a lot better to have got it all off my chest.

I think you need to complete with this episode and put it behing you. If its made you suffer for 20 years???? time to MOVE ON, and if you cant... get help

but FB message is bad idea, BAD, as you are effectively re-opening the wound. and could be worse if she responds in a way you dont like

dont email her, but do try and put this behind you. Many people have shit bully episodes when kids, and you are not alone. But I am concerned its affected you so hugely. why is your self esteem so low???

discuss with your counsellor

Id be more inclined to write to the school TBH, a very professional letter saying XXX bullies you, and as you see she is still teaching.....it may do nothinhg but she wont like it!

I wouldn't. I think some people are so poisonous that a message like that would actually feed them.

If you feel that you need to do something, then personally I would write to the Head of the school and tell them. Make it factual, not emotive. Good luck with the counselling, I hope it continues to help, and you can find some peace.

don't do it via fb. fb works two ways, you don't want to give her a window back into your life. agree with porca, considering writing to the school.

Let it go. There are so many ways this could "backfire" and end up making you feel worse, or (worst case scenario) in trouble if she reports you for harassment/cyber stalking or something. It is just not worth it after all this time. This bitterness will eat at you unless you can let it go. Twenty years is a long long time to hate someone :(

If you must contact her, don't do it on Facebook. It means it will get all mixed up with issues about internet bullying and give her an excuse to dismiss it. It also makes it easier for you to write it in the heat of the moment and say things in a way that is not the best way, and it makes it easier for her to respond in a way that will escalate things.
If you really want to do this (and I would discuss it with the counsellor first) do it on paper. And if you don't feel you can do it on paper, don't do it at all.

I have thinking since I posted. I really think you should discuss with counciller wrting to the school.

I would write a letter to school, send her and her head of dept a copy. I think it would help if you got someone else who suffered or was a witness to write too.
How terrible for you; I'm so sorry.

I wouldnt because in your head you will make her feel bad, make her consider her actions and elicit an apology from her. This will help you heal and move on.

However, what if that doesnt happen? And lets face it, it is unlikely. More likely that she will either ignore it so you dont get closure and have, as Porcamiseria said, re-opened the wound. Or she could send you a scathing and nasty reply which will make things worse.

What sort of counselling are you having? If you have found her on FB and are considering messaging her I would say that whilst you are making progress, you aren't "there" yet. Talk to your counsellor about this obsession and whether something like CBT might help when the urge to confront her becomes overwhelming.

You only get positive responses to this kind of thing from understanding people and understanding people dont bully.

I fear you would be hurting yourself far more than you would hurt her if you do message her.

I wouldn't do it.

What would it achieve? Do you want her to know that she had so much power over you that 20 years after she last had the opportunity to say anything to you she is still making your life a misery.

The best you could hope for is that she'll think "fucking hell! what an idiot" before deleting it and then taking the piss out of you. Sorry, but I really want you to not do this!!!!

She is not going to apologise, she will not feel bad - if she were going to, then she will have done so already. This will not make any difference.

I agree that you should speak with your counsellor about this. If he/she recommends that you seek 'closure' by writing, then do it properly. At least if you write it all down then you can put it in a drawer and not send it.

FB is not the forum for doing this. Please do not do it.

I really feel for you I had a teacher like this and I can still remember how she made me feel. Shes dead now but I would love to go and dance on her grave! As to the FB thing I think you should find a way to let her know how she made you feel but not sure that would be the right way.

Just read that back, and I'm sorry if it sounds harsh.

I was tidying out some old boxes the other other and found a letter I had written to a third party about my son's father and his family and the treatment I received during my pregnancy and how it had made me feel. I re-read it and there was so much in it that I had forgotten about - after all it was 13 years ago.

It did help to have written it all down. It clarified it for me, it helped me to organise and order it, and seeing it written down helped me to understand it all.

At no point did I intend to send it to anyone, but when I re-read it, I realised how important it had been to me to have written it and how it meant I have not carried the anger, hurt, bitterness, rejection, disappointment, pain and fear throughout the following 13 years, or let it affect my son.

Had I sent it, either to them, or the 3rd party, I could never have taken it back and the knowledge that I'd sent it out there into the world, would be haunting me 13 years on.

Write it down by all means, in great detail. But keep it for yourself and take care.

It was a terrible thing that she did to you and I'm not suprised that you have suffered with low self-esteem as a result. Its great that you are getting counselling and as others have said I think you should discuss this with your counsellor. I would contact the school rather than contact the teacher via FB. As others have said it may actually give her satisfaction if she knows how much her bullying affected you.

Incredibly tempting as it may be, I would resist the urge to send a message on facebook for the reasons other posters have given.

Have you considered writing a letter to her? Often, just the act of writing/typing and expressing your feelings is cathartic, whether the letter gets sent or not. I'm sorry you had to suffer at the hands of this pathetic woman, but remember she is in your past and no longer has any power over you.

Did you have another teacher who is also still at the same school? I'm just wondering if you could take a more positive approach by messaging him/her to say hello and let them know how well you're getting on 'despite Mrs XX's teasing of me, hahahah'

(BTW, I know it wasn't 'teasing' or 'hahahah', but it may get the point across in a less confrontational way)

Passive aggressive? Moi?

I had a message from an ex teacher through facebook, after I had described him as a 'horrible cadaver' on the 'ex pupils' facebook group (he was, utterly vile)
He messaged me to say that his DD had shown it to him and how funny it was, and he was a changed person, but it wasn't in a nice, open way, it had a nasty overtone. I did send him back a rather vitriolic message referencing the time he grabbed me and pulled me by my hair, and he never replied. It didn't make me feel much better to be honest, and seeing a message from him in my inbox gave me a bit of a fright. How would you feel if she wrote back?

I'm friends with a lady on FB who used to be my boss when I was a Saturday shop girl aged 16/17. She was a bit notorious for being harsh on the staff, and for a while she scared me too, but we became good friends after a while. She's nothing more than an old acquaintance now, I never see her in RL but we sometimes talk on FB. Anyway, a while back another girl that used to work there sent my 'friend' a huge long FB message telling her what a bully she'd been and made her life a misery etc. My friend forwarded it to me to ask if I'd felt the same way at the time. TBH the message sounded a bit unhinged, esp as the events were 14 years ago, it was full of 'look how well I'm doing now, so there' type stuff which as my friend said, if she's that happy why is she harping back to years ago?

I TOTALLY understand why you would want to, and I wouldn't blame you if you did, but the way you've described the teacher they aren't just going to turn around and apologise, and they may even send you back some more abuse! The best revenge is to be happy, and I bet you're happier now than she is, going stagnant in the same job for years on end. If you really need to get it out, write her a huge cathartic letter. Then just don't send it.

I'm sorry to say she may not even remember you. Secondary teachers see so many children over the years I think it becomes a bit of a blur.
We had a 20 years reunion and my old deputy head and A level maths master looked at me with out recognition (ok he's retired so might be getting a bit forgetful), but I look very little different and I was something of a character (clever, but very prone to breaking any rule I didn't like and generally being the opposite of quiet).
Also if she was that kind of bully, she may simply have chosen one pupil a year to victimise. DH says they had a teacher who controlled his classes this way.
One of biology masters did it a bit to me.
I'm a good scientist and very stubborn so by sixth form we had an armed truce, but I understand exactly that such behaviour is very wrong and hurtful.
I'd write your letter, read and refine it with your councillor, read it a final time and tear it into tiny-bits.
(It's very cathartic I've done confidence sapping things that happened as a postgrad.)
Good luck!

Don't do it. It may be a weight off you to begin with but if she doesn't respond/responds in a way you don't like you'll be fretting. What's the point? She sounds like a bitch but I'm betting she knows this. You cpuld inform the school to let them know what happened and to help prevent future children being treated this way but contacting her directly twenty years later? No.

Move on. You have no problem making friends now. You can't blame your low self esteem entirely on her, you have to take responsibility for it and own it too. If you can't move on you need help but not the kind of self help Facebook provides doors for!