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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for thinking prehaps I'm just spoilt?

43 replies

sweetsantababy · 28/11/2011 09:39

I am a married mum of 3. Eldest is 10, youngest is 2.

DH work m-f (out 0f house 7 til 7). I am a SAHM. I do 99% housework, running round after DC, organising, budget badly etc. (generally don't mind) DH probably does more of the homework, putting DCs to bed etc than me and is a hands on Dad when he is here.

Youngest DC goes to nursery 2 days a week.

I have this niggling feeling that I should be doing more (in terms of courses, work) but don't want to I am am shattered and feel like my life is pretty full.

I did start a course recently and TBH just found it a struggle to fit it in and felt very unmotivated so have jacked it in.

Am I just spoilt?

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetsantababy · 28/11/2011 10:40

cj of course it is fine to say I am spoilt! Just didn't understand the nit picking over wether I am a SAHM or not because I use childcare.

OP posts:

notevenamousie · 28/11/2011 11:17

Not spoilt so much as really vulnerable - not just could your DH lose his job, but he could leave, or die, and you are pretty dependent on his earning. I suspect he would cope easier without you than you without him in one of those scenarios. What do you say when your DC ask why Daddy has to spend 60 hours out of the house and why you never take a turn?
It sounds like you are happy now which is great, and it sounds like he respects you, also great, but I wouldn't want to be financially dependent on another person, however much it 'cost' in terms of time or lifestyle.

TheCountessRoyalofBlood · 28/11/2011 11:23

The problem I find is that the days that ds is at nursery so I am "on my own" are the times that I am now working so I still have to do all the things that I was doing before in a shorter period of time with a more mobile ds . It is not the easiest at all and am hoping that working this hard now will make it easier in the future. And to top it all I don't really get that much financial benefit from working as it goes to pay for the childcare hey ho this too will pass!

don't be too hard on yourself, I find at weekends I am so completely exhausted and run around trying to find clean school uniform for one at 11pm on a sunday night trying to squeeze stuff in the whole time. Put him in nursery and enjoy a bit of piece and quiet for a while, this will refresh you for the new year and perhaps renew your interest in a course/work etc. I guess it could seem spoilt but I think you are at that catch up stage. I am currently wishing I didn't work but that ds was in nursery anyway!

fluffy123 · 28/11/2011 11:27

I think you have a good domestic arrangement. However one way to feel that you are contributing more to the household is to get to grips with the household budget. I did this and now spend time switching suppliers of things like insurance, broadband etc and have saved my family a lot of money.

BertieBotts · 28/11/2011 11:35

Most people who work full time have weekends!

HappyMummyOfOne · 28/11/2011 12:01

I think you are a little spoilt, the luxury of being a SAHM and having childcare paid for two days a week means you have oodles of free time. Yes there is housework and budgetting but those who work still have to do those things.

As notevenamousie has said, being financially reliant upon another adult does put you in a fragile situation should things change. It also sends the message to your children that men have to work yet the women can do as they please.

alittlebitshy · 28/11/2011 12:23

Referring to my earlier post. I know I need to go back to work next year. that scares me, and I am at the stage where, now, I find myself a little envious of those who carried on working/reduced hours/changed jobs after having the children because I find myself with this great big scary prospect of finding a job (I work on evening a week atm - the money is pretty good per hour so although it is pretty pathetic, the money is not so pathetic ). And a job that suits me in terms of childcare, meets our financial needs etc etc.
ARGH.

Proudnscary · 28/11/2011 12:26

I don't get what you're asking.

Is it, should I be doing more with my spare time? If so - err, yes if you want to. But you don't want to...

Or is it am I spoilt? Some would say so, but it's nobody else's business how you and your dh choose to run your lives so enjoy.

Proudnscary · 28/11/2011 12:26

Personally I would be bored if I were you, though.

Zimbah · 28/11/2011 12:36

I don't think you're "spoilt", but if you are, so what?? There's no reason people have to work until they drop unless they financially have to. You might find you want to start doing some voluntary work once your youngest goes to nursery for more days a week (if he will), or when he starts school. But if you can afford it, I don't see why you shouldn't just take things a bit easy (relatively) for a while. As long as you feel you are contributing equally to the household, and your DH does, then there's no problem.

Original poster

sweetsantababy · 28/11/2011 12:37

Mousie - I agree with a lot of your post, these are things I worry about. Although splitting up isn't one, yes we may but I'm not living life thinking this.

However if the DCs ask me why their Dad works a 60 hour week and I don't. I shall tell them the truth, because he wants to and would not want to reduce his hours as in his words it would be bad for his career.

fluffy you are right about the budget and is something I have recently been putting a lot of effort into. Must try harder.

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetsantababy · 28/11/2011 12:39

happymummy I don't do whatever I please Can I point out I have three children not one so obviously a lot of my times goes into them, erm but you wouldn't know that obviously. Stupid comment.

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetsantababy · 28/11/2011 12:40

zimbah Thank you. yes you are right, no point working til we drop unless have to/want to.

OP posts:

suburbandream · 28/11/2011 12:55

I don't understand this notion of the kids wondering why the man of the house works and the woman doesn't. My DH works extremely long hours and my DCs understand that I work long hours too. All the time he is out at work, I'm working - I'm responsible for looking after them, the cats, the house etc. They understand that my job is as important as his for our family even if I'm not getting paid for it

NormanTebbit · 28/11/2011 13:00

I have three children, aged 2 to 7. I work 18 hours a week, mostly night shift. I am studying for another degree. I also do another eight hours work a week for a charity.

I am very tired.

But I had a demanding stressful job before kids and I think my personality needs be under stress/busy otherwise I get depressed and neurotic. But more improtantly, we need the money

Look, if you are happy then just get on with being happy and sod everyone else.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/11/2011 13:09

I am a sahm to 4 dc. The youngest has just started school. Our children know that money has to be earned, that children need to be looked after and that different families divide those jobs up in the way that suits them best!

OP, 3 dc involves a lot of work, and there is nothing wrong with concentrating on raising them. You don't need to fill every minute of the day with things that other people deem 'worthwhile', so long as you are happy and fulfilled in yourself.

Do whatever interests you, and don't worry about the choices other people are making. Their choices are not better or worse than yours, only different.

Original poster

sweetsantababy · 28/11/2011 13:09

Norman wow you are one busy person. I was going to ask you if you sleep, but i see you do night shift.

I agree with what you said about personality. I think if I am overloaded I just buckle, I like to be busy mostly but also really feel the need for down time or I get very stressed.light weight

Before having children, I enjoyed my career, what I didn't enjoy was working full-time, never got along with that.

OP posts:

NormanTebbit · 28/11/2011 13:44

I have Dd3 in nursery two days and Mil takes them another day. So I do sleep.

It's all part of my masterplan to get a decent career going again. But also recession has affected Dp's business - if it hadn't then I can categorically say I would not be doing night shift.

You are doing an important job which is keeping the family together so your partner can work 60 hour weeks.

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