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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think co-parenting is not actually possible once separated.

21 replies

CrunchyFrog · 28/11/2011 08:46

I really hope someone can tell me that I am being U, because I would love to believe that not all men become pathetic as soon as their wives leave.

But.

XH has just announced that he is going away next weekend. He has the kids from 12 on a Saturday until 7 on a Sunday (I work Sundays.)

OK, fine, I can rearrange childcare, whatever.

But I just ran the opposite scenario - what if I said, well, I'm going away on Monday. Would Not Happen.

The default assumption is that I have the kids, and that he takes them as some kind of bizarre favour. That's how it feels anyway. SO SICK of people asking if he's "babysitting," of getting his bills from school (he uses the breakfast club on his weekday morning) and above all, the suggestion that I should be GRATEFUL that he has them AT ALL, and indeed, bothers to pay maintenance about one month in six!

Is it, essentially, that kids are a woman's responsibility alone, and that any tiny sliver of shared responsibility is a massive favour done for her, that she has no right to expect?

Oh. I'm ranting. I think I might have found the straw that broke the camel's back.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2011 08:52

I think it depends on which way you look at it really

I do know parents who co-parent well, but the kids stay for half a week with Mum and half with Dad.

I don't think once a week overnight stays are what I consider 'co-parenting' really...more like maintaining a relationship with the DC.

samwellsbutt · 28/11/2011 08:53

have to say that though my ex is an ass, he is good about contact it is a two way street and he pays maintenance. my dp is also very good with his contact so there are to examples and give you some hope. have you been separated long? are you just getting in to the groove or is this a terminal case as i know this exists my dad was one saw him once a year if lucky till i was 7 and then never again.
i agree with is he babysitting comments it drives me metal. NO he is looking after the children he helped create!
it like oh he changes nappies, he's a keeper.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2011 08:55

YABU. Some people manage to share the care of their children quite well but if you made the mistake of mating with an irresponsible man that doesn't pull his weight, they're not going to change behaviour just because you split up. Bad luck

Original poster

CrunchyFrog · 28/11/2011 08:56

We're just over 2 years in.

FUN.

He does a midweek as well, I thought it was important that he do a school run/ has contact with the school that doesn't depend on me. Clearly I was stupid for thinking this.

OP posts:

racingheart · 28/11/2011 08:56

I'm not in your situation, so can't speak from experience. I do know some women who have managed to get their exPs to contribute fairly to child rearing, and others who haven't.

He sounds like he's not woken up to his responsibilities. Talk to breakfast club. Give them his address and ask them to send all bills his way. Talk to him and tell him you are also away at the weekend, so he will need to arrange alternative childcare to cover his obligations. Or he'll have to cancel his weekend away.

Ignore people who ask if he's babysitting. Why waste your emotions on the profoundly ignorant? You sound lovely and YANBU. I hope for your sake, and your kids, that you can work out a fair arrangement.

Original poster

CrunchyFrog · 28/11/2011 08:58

Cogito he wasn't like this when we were together.

Well, not as much.

I am still really surprised at him, especially WRT the maintenance.

OP posts:

JaneBirkin · 28/11/2011 09:00

It's not always like this. Some people do co parent successfully, though it takes an awful lot of either laidbackness or effort.

I agree the default seems often to lie with the mother, certainly in my experience...what if I said, Oh I'm sorry, I'm not up for another child after all, you'll be caring for it, I'm off. Call me in four years of he wants to see me, you know where I am.

It just would not happen.

Original poster

CrunchyFrog · 28/11/2011 09:00

Aww, thanks racingheart

I'm really not at all lovely

OP posts:

JaneBirkin · 28/11/2011 09:00

Cogito - that's a really awful thing to say.

Original poster

CrunchyFrog · 28/11/2011 09:02

JaneBirkin I'm guessing Cogito has the gift of prescience or similar. My crystal balls were out of action when I was 25 and got married.

People change. Some of them become mothers and grow the hell up. Some become fathers, and don't.

OP posts:

Dingdongmessily · 28/11/2011 09:03

I think the every-other-weekend type of contact, that one person is seen as the main carer and the other as a lesser parent encourages this sort of attitude.

I think 50-50 should be the starting point.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2011 09:06

It's not really awful, it's the truth ffs. Some women have the sheer bad luck to have children with men that are fundamentally not very nice people when they're not getting their own way. Maybe we don't find this out immediately because they usually on best behaviour in the early days. But then they get bored playing mummies and daddies, swan off with someone new or go back to the bachelor life and decide that they're not going to take any responsibility with looking after their children, paying maintenance, being perpetually unreliable and awkward just to get their own back in some childish 'can't be bothered', 'I'll show her' kind of manner.

Just saying...

JaneBirkin · 28/11/2011 09:09

Yes, but the manner in which you posted came across as heartless, dismissive and blaming the OP.

That's all.

Tryharder · 28/11/2011 09:10

I disagree that shared contact should be 50-50. I don't think children in that situation end up with 2 homes - they end up without a secure base, like on one permanent sleepover. Children need a home with one parent and then it's upto the other parent to make sure they pull their weight.

I agree with an earlier poster that you 'should' tell your XH that it's job to make alternative childcare arrangements on his weekend but I know in reality you won't do that as I wouldn't. I think you need to suck it up this time but make sure your X knows what a favour you are doing him. Can't he take the children for longer during the week?

And make sure you redirect those breakfast club bills!

Original poster

CrunchyFrog · 28/11/2011 09:11

"Bad luck" is different from "making a mistake." I think.

Anyway, don't believe in luck.

I did fuck up. I was 25, should have known better. Shouldn't have got married because I was pg. Should have stopped after one kid (because no. 2 is when the rot set in.) Should have lived somewhere cheaper so I wouldn't have had to work 60 hour weeks when my babies were tiny. Should have married someone richer. Yada yada. Didn't. Making the best of things.

Just occasionally resent the unfairness. And the fact that the unfairness is, like many things in life, gender based.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2011 09:14

@JaneBirkin. The way I see it, the OP can either spend the next 15 years furious that her ex isn't pulling his weight or she's going to adapt life so that she's not relying on him for anything.... minimising his ability to keep making her unhappy and cross. But she was being 'U' for suggesting that everyone has the same problem and that coparenting is impossible. Her story isn't uncommon - many people have rotten luck in their choice of partner - but it's not universal.

I don't do 'fluff'.

Original poster

CrunchyFrog · 28/11/2011 09:18

cogito luck?

No such thing.

Bad luck is failure to take into account all of the variables.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2011 09:21

Life is unfair CrunchyFrog, especially for women. We - more often than not - take the responsibility so we get taken for granted. Keep that top of mind, don't let yourself be steamrollered and stick up for yourself. Let me tell you, it's much easier to do all of this when your dander's up the way yours is now :) Fast forward to your next relationship and do you think you'd be put up with the same treatment again.... (answer is 'not on your life')? Or do you think you'd be able to spot a user a mile off?...

It's all experience. Use your anger positively now. Manage your ex to withini an inch of his life... don't put him or anyone else in a position to rile you or give you shit. And leave all those regrets about the past behind - because you can't change them - and take things forward. Good luck

ChristinedePizanne · 28/11/2011 09:22

I don't think that's true TryHarder - some of the most well-adjusted children I know have been brought up with an absolutely 50/50 split between dad and mum's houses. But it takes a lot of hard work on both parents' parts and a real commitment to making it work for the sake of the children.

JaneBirkin · 28/11/2011 13:36

Cogito, I agree with much of what you say but the 'I don't do 'fluff'' bit has really annoyed me because it sounds patronising. What, you think the rest of us do 'fluff'?

What you might call fluff is possibly just tact.

You don't have to be rude to be straightforward or to give sound advice. But I'm sure you realise that. And as I said, I agree with what you are saying, broadly

marmiteandjam · 28/11/2011 14:19

I'm with you OP, I HATE the phrase "babysitting" when it is used in regards to the child's father. My DS rarely sees his father anyway so it's not really a problem but when he does see him it is made out to be a big favour. I am already gearing up for the annual Christmas day argument. However, I notice that a lot of married women will say that their husband's are "babysitting" if they come on a night out which seems even more ridiculous as surely if they live together then childcare should be split 50/50.

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