To ask for your advice regarding ds visiting his dad

[Onemoretime33]

Have also posted in step parents but need some quick advice as will be speaking to exh later today

he has been spending the weekends with his dad since we split up when he was 1, he is now 8 nearly 9. His dad also had him for some of the school holidays, bank holidays .

Around 4 years ago exh met someone new and moved in with her and her 3 children. Everything was fine except for the usual squabbles between the children up until 2 and a half years ago when exh new partner became pg. Since then things have changed, allthough he was still having ds at w/ends bank holidays and school holidays have all but stopped.

Exh and new partner are fighting alot, mainly over the children, I know that they are having problems with 2 of the children regarding behaviour. Ds comes back most weekends upset because of the fighting. They argue about the children infront of them, exp shouts about his dp children's behaviour, dp argues that exh thinks ds is perfect when he isn't.

It is causing trouble between the children as they are being compared against each other and I'm sure it's upsetting for all of them. Ds did go to his dads for a week during the summer holidays but he came back after 3 days due to an argument where dp shouted at ds about his "perfect" behaviour and his dad had to take him out for the day to get away.

Ds has started spending some weekends with my sills which exh has admitted is to get him away from the house. We've had problems in the past with exh hitting ds when he has been told he has to by dp, there have also been times he has taken ds out of the room and pretended to hit him allthough I've put a stop to this

It's now affecting ds health, he comes back on Sunday's complaining of stomach pains, which I think is anxiety due to the constant fighting. We have also had the problem that the older children arnt fed lunch and it's got to the point where he is afraid to ask for food. A few weeks ago he went down to his dads late and they'd allready eaten and as he didn't dare ask he had no dinner

He loves his dad and wants to see him but we can't keep going on like thus, any suggestions as to how access should be changed. I don't want to stop it all together as I dont think it would be in ds interest, sorry for long post

Forgot to say, have name changed just incase

Didn't want to read & not post. I don't have any real advice I'm afraid but want to sympathise. Could you ask to have some kind of family meeting with them both with or without ds & explain the feedback from visits. Sometimes it takes someone to point out the problems for them to resolve it. Could you make sure ds has a massive breakfast with you before he goes. Feeding a child is a basic surely? No wonder he has tummy ache poor thing.

Does your ds still want to stay at his Dad's if this is what is happening?

I wouldn't let him go if it's causing him so much upset.

Does he still want to stay over? Could going for the day be an option? At least then if he was hungry at the end of the day you could feed him! Why is his da d not asking the poor kid if he's hungry?? I've been a step mum and would always ask the kids if they'd eaten/if they were hungry. I can't imagine a parent or a step parent not thinking to ask about such a basic need TBH.

As a child my dad and stepmum would argue like this, it was HORRIBLE.

The hitting at the demand of dad's partner would be the last straw for me.
Does he want to go at all?
Your poor ds.

not sure a family meeting is the way to go here as the exh dp might not take to that and feel attacked which would make the situation worse, but your ex really needs to be the one in control of this situation, how old is your son? is he old enough to say he doesnt want to go there any more and have his dad meet him out else were for there contact.
ranting at a child about its perfect behaviour is showing insecurities about her own children which it sounds like your ex isnt helping and of course there are going to be problems if the children are being compared negatively to each other openly.
i think you are probably going to have to be the strong one here for you son and possibly the bad guy talk to him really openly and honestly if he is old enough and then you need to talk to you ex about the effect it is having on your son. i would say try not to be emotional about it though i know that is hard just put the facts out there and explain it cant go on like this and you will have to take steps to protect your sons well being, if there isnt a rapid improvement.
hope this is helpful some how. i know how horrible itis to worry about your kids when they leave you.

I have only just seen the bit about pretending to hit him

Thanks for the replies
I have started feeding him on a Friday before he goes down and on a Sunday when we pick him up, awhich just leaves Saturdays. The have breakfast and then dinner later on so miss a meal mid morning.

Ds will be 9 after Christmas only wants to stay over because he doesn't want to upset his dad by not going. There have been times when he has not wanted to go on fri and has gone sat afternoon instead but his dad wasn't happy about it and ds hasn't asked for a while, which makes me think that his dad has told him he wants him there on Friday.

Me and exh are on good terms so do talk about what is happening so I know what ds tells me is true and not exaggerated in any way and exh knows that I'm unhappy with the situation and I have said access will change if things continue. My exmil spoke to his partner about the situation, which didn't go down well as she wasn't happy with ds telling his nana, which makes me weary of having a conversation with her about it.

Ds knows that if things continue we will have to change the arrangements. He would like to go down in the day and just spend time with his dad and half brother but it's not realy practical as they have no where to go and dp is not happy being left for the day at weekends.

Saturday night they were arguing, I don't know what about and ds was sent to bed. ( other children were stating at gp) he couldn't sleep because of the arguing and got up crying asking them not to fight, he was told to "shut up" as "you are only crying because your dads getting it in the neck " dp has told exh she wants him out and exh has told ds he will get a house just him and ds. I've had to explain to him that his dad has said it before so it might not happen.

This is awful. Imho if your exdp really cared about his son, he wouldn't have him stay over in that environment (never mind hitting or pretending to hit him).

I agree that DS should not go if it's affecting his health. I'd tread carefully, though, as it could cause a major argument between exdp and his dp, and DS could be the scapegoat for a split :(

No real advice, just much sympathy for your poor lad.

of course your ds does not want to upset his dad, but to let his partner talk to his son like that is just plain wrong. i am a step mum and under no circumstances would i ever treat those children like that. it is really wrong what she is doing and though your ex might not like it he is letting it happen. this is what i mean by being the bad guy. you may have to put your foot down for your sons benefit. even if he wants to go and gets upset, ultimately this is going to be hurting him more in the long run iyswim and your ex needs to sort out permanent rearrangements elsewhere, can he not see him at his mums?
i understand its hard for ex to juggle the needs of his current family and ds but its his job to do that and making half baked promises is not the way to go.

If your ex is leaving, maybe suspend the contact til he has a new place. But try and do it by working with him rather than just telling him. Maybe plant the seed so he suggests it!!

Impossible situation all round, but ds has to come first

Or yes, continue contact elsewhere

i would stop him going, leave access to ex coming to yours to see son for the day (sod the partner) until he gets his own place.